Chapter 0 - Prologue

From time to time I imagine things like that.

The early evening when the rain was pouring, and the back of your pale hand.

In the end, we never could understand each other.

I thought I could hear an old song, a very old one. Without any accompanying instruments, it was a song that someone was humming and it felt like I listened to that song for a very long time. Everything I had was already destroyed forever and beyond repair, and I knew that. Even so, there was an unstoppable feeling in my heart. An emotion that never faded away.

The good memories were so little and trivial that I can count them on only one of my hands.

Sometimes our time together was like hell. No matter how much I open my heart to you, the sheets that were damp with tears because of you are now dry. The feelings that I only realise now, at the end are so miserable that I want to chew my own tongue. You never made eye contact with me when I looked into your eyes. My innocence was beaten hundreds of times and trampled under your feet like garbage. Even though I knew it, I tried so hard to close my eyes. It was a horrible time, when I couldn’t see the exit and everything was dark.

I struggled to open his eyes. My hair, which seemed to be burnt, was blowing wildly in the wind, damp and wet. His left leg was numb and upon inspection twisted in a bizarre angle, the white bone was stuck firmly in the space between the driver’s seat and the door, and except for the rustling mechanical sound, the surroundings were as quiet as a dead rat.

Is this how I die?

Then it suddenly came to my mind.

I was in a hurry to a late night event. I took the car keys from my manager who shook his head saying I should give up on it; he said it would be impossible to arrive on time, so I stubbornly climbed to the driver’s seat alone. The highway was quiet, and as the scheduled time was rapidly approaching, I stepped on the accelerator to speed up. I didn’t drink or take drugs but my right foot which was supposed to be on the brake was pressing down on the gas.

On an empty road, a luxurious foreign car was speeding alone in the distance. The road entered a sharp turn, and the navigation warning message was heard from the car that did not slow down. The orange glow of the guardrails flashed dizzyingly and passed in front of my eyes. The car, which was still accelerating despite the warning messages, crashed into a different vehicle in front of it and drove through the guardrail.

What do you even live for? It was a question that I was once asked in contempt. I couldn’t pretend to not know the other meaning behind those words, so I smiled awkwardly, unable to say anything. I didn’t hate your words, but they always hurt. There were many times when I had to work hard to forget them and I would choke up as if I’m swallowing a needle.

The car that crashed and steered off the road rolled several times. I could hear the sound of my head being thrown around and my legs twisting due to the impact. I couldn’t think of anything. The pain in my body was too much. Even through the blurred vision, I smiled, but before even a small laugh could escape, I got startled as if I woke up from a dream, because of someone else’s appearance in my head.

Oppa, a sweet voice that calls out, with a sickly face wearing a hospital gown.

Huh

Frozen in shock, waking up from the daydream and facing reality, the image of a young girl flowing through my brain, as if only waiting for this moment. She was smiling and her wrists were way too thin. This moment was deplorable because she wanted to cry from the pain, but felt bad for not being able to hold back while biting her lips. ‘I hope you are popular’.I knew that she was happy for me, even if it seemed like she was jealous.

Uh… Uh…

‘Before you get married.

I need to pay all of my debts, get rid of your illness, and buy you a pretty wedding dress.’

‘I want to buy that for you’. Her face turned red from my words, and she shouted back. ‘How old do you think I am right now? And you are already talking about marriage!’ I liked the way she pulled at her blanket, as if embarrassed. Brushing her dishevelled hair, it was as if we were finally at peace.

The hellish times are already behind us.

How did I forget you? There was no hope for a person that had already been completely destroyed. Through the blurry vision, someone could be seen through the shattered window. It was evident that the cars had crashed into each other. ‘I’m sorry’. The words I couldn’t say melted in my tongue. A hot liquid kept wetting my face.

‘I am so weak that I have no confidence to live any longer, but still someone,

someone please protect this child.

Despite how strong she acts, she’s still very vulnerable,

and doesn’t know the world in which she must now live alone.’

In the midst of the intensely piercing pain, I prayed and prayed for a wish that could not even be said out loud. As my continued prayers filled the quiet space, my consciousness grew further and further away. Meaningless moments that I can’t let go of flashed before my eyes blurring together until my vision flickered and cleared up again.

There are promises that have not been kept.

There’s someone waiting.

‘When are you the happiest?’ One day, darkness suddenly came to witness the last of your voice, which had been pointlessly asking all your life.

The lights went out.