Chapter 125 - Long Way To Go

The next day I visited my mother in the early morning, with the excuse to chat and bring her a coffee. 

She welcomed me in and then squeezed me in a warm hug that I felt deep inside my bones. It had been a long time since she hadn't hugged me that way and whenever her reasons were truthfully or not, my heart still appreciated it and I embraced her back with a hug of sincere joy.

I handed her the coffee and smiled, "I brought you this I hope you hadn't had your coffee yet."

She took it and rested a trail of handmade biscuits on the table then sat in front of me.

"I talked to Evelyn and despite she is still hesitant whether to talk to you or not, due to your strong heavy words, she said she is happy to hear you're sorry and will eventually give you a second chance." I took a few sips of my coffee maintaining the main focus on my mother's facial expression so that I could decipher what she thought through her body language.

A smile grew on her lips and her eyes followed the smile, she held her breath as she covered her mouth. Her other hand pressed on her chest, "I am glad." 

I smiled too, then my gaze immediately fell on the table waiting for my heart to cool down. I processed what I wanted to say and then cleared my voice.

"I am seeing someone," I announced, contrary to how it sounded in my mind, my voice grew less confidently than I expected. 

I could feel the tremble of my voice climbing up from the back of my throat to my lips and my voice creaked as it was released. 

Her eyes widened, yet she didn't say anything, she just patiently waited for me to satisfy her curiosity with more information.

"For a few months now, he loves me more than Carl ever did in those years." I continued, my gaze flickering for approval and my heart skipped a beat in the waiting for her answer.

"If he treats you well, I am glad." Her saying and the shy smile didn't match her words. 

I couldn't stop myself to wonder if she will ever accept me leaving Carl.

"What job does he do?" She asked as a deep sigh escaped from her lips.

I appreciated her effort to camouflage her sadness for realizing I gave up on Carl.

"He works as a boss of a big company..."

She raised her eyebrows and nodded, "well, then you found each other. Two big workers." She hinted at a joke so I didn't lose the advantage of giggling as a way to climb over her heart and seek approval.

"True," I whispered as she shared a light chuckle and then stood up to put some water on the table.

"I am glad you told me." She sat back to the chair setting her foot x on the floor.

"If I learned something from Evelyn is that confessions are underestimated. I have to begin appreciating those more." 

"Yes, mom. But I am sure you will over time." 

She remained quiet for a few seconds, "when did you grow up so fastly? I still remember when we watched cartoons altogether." 

I smiled at her, "when life became a little tougher."

She took a long breath and then pulled the chair she was sitting on closer to me.

"I had never asked you how you felt about dad leaving us. How you were after grandpa's death. I just assumed that since you two grew then I didn't feel like asking those things."

"Nobody taught you how to be a mother, you did your best and grew us amazingly. There is always time to make sure we are fine and fix our mistakes." 

Since she moved her chair closer to me I was near enough to cover her hand with my hand and then held it.

"Yes. Agree. You can tell me now. How was it to grow up without a father?" Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears but she purposely refused their way out.

"It wasn't easy. I often wondered why he left, if I could have possibly prevented it, and even felt guilty for missing him and loving him when he left you and us." 

I whispered, speaking for the side of my heart that had always been shut. It felt great taking that burden out of my chest and finally opening up.

"Do you miss him?" I asked. She immediately opened her mouth. "No."

Then she took a brief pause and a deep breath escaped from her mouth almost as if she reconsidered her statement.

"Yes." She replied more sincerely.

"Yes." She said it again, "I did and I still do. And I wonder why he left too." 

"I am sorry I never made sure you were fine too," I told her with a whisper.

"I am sorry I always expected you to do the right thing forgetting that you were human as well and that you could make mistakes." 

I remembered all the times I got angry too often, I got easily irritated and I expected her to behave as if she knew the answers forgetting that she was just like me, testing the water and that she could afford to get lost and making mistakes.

"It must have been hard to grow up a family on your own." I got a sore throat due to the lump forming in my throat.

"You had been and still are an amazing mom, whenever you lack I am here to help you." and I meant it; families should help each other, I will do it from now on. I will communicate more and tell her whenever she did something I disapproved of. Maybe suggesting her what to do with Evelyn and trying to open her eyes to help her to see how the world evolved in an extended approving that love couldn't be addressed nor conditioned bug just accepted.. She still had a long way to go, but maybe, with me by her side, she will find the right way to reach Evelyn and Carol's hearts.