Chapter 165 - One Hundred And Sixty-five

I have never talked to a therapist before. So, it might not make sense at times and excuse me for that.

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"So when happened, what did the feeling of revenge make you feel?" Asked Dr Peterson. "What was going on or what were you thinking about?"Alexis shrugged at that. They were talking about her history with the bullies and the recent encounter with them.

"Nothing, go be honest." She admitted. "Nothing was going on. I just liked that I had something superior on them." She explained and admitted. "It just felt nice."

Peterson nodded and added. "Like they did to you."

Alexis blinked a bit and then asked, "what?"

"You like having to be superior to them like they did to you." The doctor repeated and explained. "you are telling me that nothing was going on and you just liked being superior to them. Now is that what exactly those bullies thought about you. For them, you were a source of entertainment and a subject that they could mock about without having to feel the inferiority of any kind or some kind of rebellion from you, which as you told me, you never showed-"

"Wait," Alexis held up a finger and a frown creased her forehead. She didn't like what she was hearing and more so, she hated what she understood from it.

"I agree that I never did anything but that should not have given them the go, to do anything they wanted, to humiliate me. Because I never dared to speak up then didn't mean that if I didn't feel.. what..." Alexis tried to bring up emotions into words that she could convey to the doctor but she could just feel those emotions inside her and did not know how how to explain them. 

it was difficult for her from the very beginning to the very end but she lived through and that was all that mattered to her. 

Nodding at her loss of words the doctor came to her rescue, "I understand what you are trying to say." But then placed her point on the table, "But your courage to speak up would have caused a difference." 

"I know it would have! But I couldn't, I felt as if they were superior to me. People laughed at me because they make jokes and I'm sure they would not have stood up with me if I stood up to them." 

The doctor smiled and shook her head gently, "You can always take history as evidence, for that, when you start rebellion not many support you in the beginning because they do not see the reason to break the chain as you do. Your courage to stand up to them for something you want to do and you did not need anyone else for that." 

So all in all what the doctor said was understood by her. So she nodded, telling her that she understood the message. 

"Well then, moving forward I would come back to my point." They chuckled a bit at the sentence and the doctor winced at how nonsense it sounded. 

"Anyway," she cleared her throat. "When your bullies were trying to mock you, they did it because they felt superior. Now what I am trying to point out to you is that you did the same when you went out with them." 

That was not true. "But I did not insult them." 

"Was that not what you were there for then ? You did tell me you are you had gone there for the intention of insulting them." 

"And I had." Alexis agreed to her. "But I never really insulted them. They had realised the fact that what place I was in and where they were." 

"Now you see when you say that, you do tell me that you were feeling superior to them." 

She was appalled by the statement made by the doctor may be baffled at how true it was but she was not going to agree to it. 

"I was more successful than any of them it was a given that I was!" She defended. "and as it was all for revenge then I could have easily taken it but I did not. I never called any of them back." 

She smiled at the points Alexis was making. Somehow, they were being added to the file that the doctor was presenting as evidence. "I never said anything about revenge. I was never really talking about superiority." 

Falling silent at the moment, she realised what had happened. She had once more, not agreed to what was happening and rather chosen her own set of reality. The reality in which whatever she wanted was happening and nothing else was seen in another's point of view. 

"It is no harm in admitting that you did want revenge. I do not know what changes came to your mind and you did not continue it, rather you left it which was good but my point is that, you never wanted revenge and when you had the chance of taking it you left it like it was nothing. Like it did not matter to you." 

"It did not." She agreed. That deduction was right. 

"Right," the Doctor nodded. "Then here comes my question, why did you decide to contact them when you did not want to have any kind of revenge or communication with them?" 

she has reflected her thoughts at the question and leaned back onto the couch that she was sitting on. That was true and she had never given it a second thought or maybe she had and she did not remember it now.

But none of it made any sense. 

She knew that when she did not want to do something no one could make her do anything. That was her power, something that every human being was blessed with. then coming back to the doctors question why did she? 

The answer was on the tip of her tongue and it slipped out to reach doctors ears. 

"Because he said so," she did not like where it went and her expressions were the evidence of that. "And it just made sense when he did."

Doctor Bailey Peterson continued, "and to the main question then, does it make any sense to you now?" 

A feeling of dread settled inside her as she answered it.. "No, it does not."