77 THE CRAZY HAIRED VIGILANTE

"What is this?" Ben stared at the dishes on their table with reproach.

"Dinner," Xiao Maiguo said.

"You've never cared for food when we were together before. Why now?"

"Just eat."

Ben covered Xiao Maiguo's hands with his. "...

Xiao Maiguo sighed. "Look Ben, I'm not a good person. I'm a selfish person who only cares about their desires and needs. But for what may be the first time, I feel guilty about leading you on."

"Guilt. Honestly, that's a lot more emotion than I expected from you."

Xiao Maiguo sighed. "Are you going to listen to me or not?"

"I'm not."

"If you want to talk to me, I don't want to do it over food. I want to do it in our room."

"Ben—"

"What? Are you scared you want me?"

"Yun Peng—"

"I told you I don't want to hear that name from you when you're with me."

"We made up. And I'm not going to cheat on him. Not again. I just wanted to meet you to make that clear."

"In that case, you're scared that if you're with alone with me, your resolve would melt away."

"I'm not scared of anything. Whatever I feel for you cannot hold a candle to what I feel for him."

"You are a cruel, cruel man, Xiao Maiguo."

"I just want a clear conscience."

"Then how can I help you with that, for the love of God? You want me to tell you it's okay for you to just leave me? It's not."

"Fifteen minutes.."

"What?"

"Fifteen minutes together. And it's over between us forever."

Ben hurt at the heartlessness of it. The heartlessness of pity-sex. No, this was goodbye molded into pity-sex. Then squeezed into fifteen minutes. There was nothing beautiful about this image, but as pity was eons away from what Ben had expected from Xiao Maiguo, this ugly image had seemed like a gold statue to him. In spite of himself, he agreed.

However, the minute Ben touched Xiao Maiguo, he realized one thing. Xiao Maiguo had melted into his touch like butter into a pan. It could only mean that despite the fact that they've made up, Yun Peng still hadn't touched him, or Xiao Maiguo had actually fallen for him. Knowing Xiao Maiguo asked well as he did, the second reason seemed improbable. This could only mean that Yun Peng was a damned fool.

Fifteen minutes. They came and left. No, they metamorphosized into thirty minutes, then an hour, then two. And after that two hours, it was clear to both Ben and Xiao Maiguo that the act wasn't goodbye. It was only a rekindling of their affair. It was so evident that when both men finally grew exhausted from the act, they stayed in each other's arms like real lovers.

"He knows," Xiao Maiguo said the moment his breath became steady.

"What?"

"Yun Peng—"

Ben sighed.

"I know you don't want to hear his name, but you will. Get used to that."

Ben was so sad, the promise of hope in that statement almost made him smile.

"Yun Peng knows about us," Xiao Maiguo said.

'Us.' Another beacon of hope.

"Did you tell him?"

Xiao Maiguo shook his head. "I didn't. But somehow, he knows."

"Did he ask you? Accuse you?"

Xiao Maiguo shook his head. "Nothing. He said nothing about it."

"You're probably just paranoid and it's nothing."

Xiao Maiguo shook his head. "I'm not paranoid. He's calm and he's giving me so much space. He's not talking to me unless I talk to him first. If he knew, this was exactly how he'd behave."

"Has this happened before?" Ben asked. Curious to know if he was special enough to be the only reason Xiao Maiguo had ever cheated.

"Not exactly," Xiao Maiguo said. "But similar."

"How?" Ben persisted.

Xiao Maiguo sighed. "It wasn't my proudest moment. Actually, what I did was so despicable that it irritates me to even think about it."

"The fact that you feel irritated about it may mean you're not as bad as you think you are."

Xiao Maiguo chuckled. "I'm as bad as I think I am. I just have... Little moments of goodness."

Ben couldn't argue with that.

"Anyway, when I came home, Yun Peng knew what I did. A friend of his who was aware of it had already told him. Still, he stayed calm and took care of me as if he didn't know. He only asked me about it when I was okay. He was disgusted and angry with me, I could see it in his eyes. Still, he remained calm."

"What exactly had you done?"

"I don't want to mention it. I just wish I could someday get a chance to apologize for it."

"Did you rape somebody?"

Yun Peng sighed. "I want to say no. But the real answer is that I almost did. And I really don't know if I could've gone through with it. I was intoxicated and wasn't thinking clearly."

"If you almost forced yourself on someone, then why were the one being taken care of?"

Xiao Maiguo remembered it clearly. Su Yang knocking sense into him with a kick to his face. He remembered it so clearly, he could almost feel the kick. "Long story," he said. That night was a secret between him, Yun Peng and that crazy-haired vigilante.

Ben mumbled something. Obviously dismayed that Xiao Maiguo and Yun Peng had more history than the both of them.

"Did you say something?" Xiao Maiguo asked.

Ben shook his head. "I said you shouldn't worry about it. This time, he doesn't know."

Xiao Maiguo sighed.

"What is this?" Ben stared at the dishes on their table with reproach.

"Dinner," Xiao Maiguo said.

"You've never cared for food when we were together before. Why now?"

"Just eat."

Ben covered Xiao Maiguo's hands with his. "...

Xiao Maiguo sighed. "Look Ben, I'm not a good person. I'm a selfish person who only cares about their desires and needs. But for what may be the first time, I feel guilty about leading you on."

"Guilt. Honestly, that's a lot more emotion than I expected from you."

Xiao Maiguo sighed. "Are you going to listen to me or not?"

"I'm not."

"If you want to talk to me, I don't want to do it over food. I want to do it in our room."

"Ben—"

"What? Are you scared you want me?"

"Yun Peng—"

"I told you I don't want to hear that name from you when you're with me."

"We made up. And I'm not going to cheat on him. Not again. I just wanted to meet you to make that clear."

"In that case, you're scared that if you're with alone with me, your resolve would melt away."

"I'm not scared of anything. Whatever I feel for you cannot hold a candle to what I feel for him."

"You are a cruel, cruel man, Xiao Maiguo."

"I just want a clear conscience."

"Then how can I help you with that, for the love of God? You want me to tell you it's okay for you to just leave me? It's not."

"Fifteen minutes.."

"What?"

"Fifteen minutes together. And it's over between us forever."

Ben hurt at the heartlessness of it. The heartlessness of pity-sex. No, this was goodbye molded into pity-sex. Then squeezed into fifteen minutes. There was nothing beautiful about this image, but as pity was eons away from what Ben had expected from Xiao Maiguo, this ugly image had seemed like a gold statue to him. In spite of himself, he agreed.

However, the minute Ben touched Xiao Maiguo, he realized one thing. Xiao Maiguo had melted into his touch like butter into a pan. It could only mean that despite the fact that they've made up, Yun Peng still hadn't touched him, or Xiao Maiguo had actually fallen for him. Knowing Xiao Maiguo asked well as he did, the second reason seemed improbable. This could only mean that Yun Peng was a damned fool.

Fifteen minutes. They came and left. No, they metamorphosized into thirty minutes, then an hour, then two. And after that two hours, it was clear to both Ben and Xiao Maiguo that the act wasn't goodbye. It was only a rekindling of their affair. It was so evident that when both men finally grew exhausted from the act, they stayed in each other's arms like real lovers.

"He knows," Xiao Maiguo said the moment his breath became steady.

"What?"

"Yun Peng—"

Ben sighed.

"I know you don't want to hear his name, but you will. Get used to that."

Ben was so sad, the promise of hope in that statement almost made him smile.

"Yun Peng knows about us," Xiao Maiguo said.

'Us.' Another beacon of hope.

"Did you tell him?"

Xiao Maiguo shook his head. "I didn't. But somehow, he knows."

"Did he ask you? Accuse you?"

Xiao Maiguo shook his head. "Nothing. He said nothing about it."

"You're probably just paranoid and it's nothing."

Xiao Maiguo shook his head. "I'm not paranoid. He's calm and he's giving me so much space. He's not talking to me unless I talk to him first. If he knew, this was exactly how he'd behave."

"Has this happened before?" Ben asked. Curious to know if he was special enough to be the only reason Xiao Maiguo had ever cheated.

"Not exactly," Xiao Maiguo said. "But similar."

"How?" Ben persisted.

Xiao Maiguo sighed. "It wasn't my proudest moment. Actually, what I did was so despicable that it irritates me to even think about it."

"The fact that you feel irritated about it may mean you're not as bad as you think you are."

Xiao Maiguo chuckled. "I'm as bad as I think I am. I just have... Little moments of goodness."

Ben couldn't argue with that.

"Anyway, when I came home, Yun Peng knew what I did. A friend of his who was aware of it had already told him. Still, he stayed calm and took care of me as if he didn't know. He only asked me about it when I was okay. He was disgusted and angry with me, I could see it in his eyes. Still, he remained calm."

"What exactly had you done?"

"I don't want to mention it. I just wish I could someday get a chance to apologize for it."

"Did you rape somebody?"

Yun Peng sighed. "I want to say no. But the real answer is that I almost did. And I really don't know if I could've gone through with it. I was intoxicated and wasn't thinking clearly."

"If you almost forced yourself on someone, then why were the one being taken care of?"

Xiao Maiguo remembered it clearly. Su Yang knocking sense into him with a kick to his face. He remembered it so clearly, he could almost feel the kick. "Long story," he said. That night was a secret between him, Yun Peng and that crazy-haired vigilante.

Ben mumbled something. Obviously dismayed that Xiao Maiguo and Yun Peng had more history than the both of them.

"Did you say something?" Xiao Maiguo asked.

Ben shook his head. "I said you shouldn't worry about it. This time, he doesn't know."

Xiao Maiguo sighed.