102 Closing the Distance

"Hi, sorry for taking so much time. How much is it?" I asked. I heard Sebastian's footsteps approaching me and looked over my shoulder. "What?" I asked, perplexed. 

"I am paying," he informed me. "How much is it?" he asked again with a smile on his face. The boy looked up and said the amount. Sebastian pulled out his wallet and paid for the food. I took the packet from the man and smiled.

"Thanks for the tip, man. Have a great time with your girl!" he cheered and giddily walked away. I turned to glare at Sebastian. 

"Why didn't you let me pay?" I asked him seriously. 

"I make more money than you. I mooch off your groceries all the time, so it is only right that I pay back somehow. I have used my body and intelligence so far, but that isn't sufficient. You are taking the brunt of our financial burden." He took the packet of food from me and scurried away into the kitchen.

"Are you rubbing it in?" I called after him. He looked completely embarrassed by our conversation, so I didn't want to tease him too much.

"For your age, you get a very good salary. As you slowly grow older, your salary will increase. Don't worry about it," he replied from the kitchen. He was already transferring the food onto the plates. I peered over his shoulder and saw that he was delicately decorating the plate to maximize how nice it looked. 

"What are you doing?" I asked, trying to bite back my laugh. 

"We rarely eat outside and it is hard for you to dine at a restaurant, so I want to give you the firsthand experience without having to go out and be around people." I rolled my eye. 

"Don't treat me like an invalid. I traveled far and wide for my translation gigs. I am okay with eating food outside. It is you who freaks out over cleanliness and service." I patted his back. "Bring the food in. I'll clear the table." 

I put away the papers and waited for him to slowly place everything on the desk. I was looking at a message from a student and remembered what Sebastian had told me. Apparently, this student had a crush on me. I smirked and looked back at the other messages. Indeed, he did message me a lot, but nothing untoward to show me what Sebastian was claiming was true.

The last of the plates were placed and Sebastian huffed as he sat beside me. 

"What do you want to watch?" I asked, pointing towards the laptop. 

"I mostly watch documentaries," he said, shrugging. I tossed him a smile. 

"Let me show you some crime thrillers, then." I giggled as I pulled up the website and searched for some foreign crime thrillers to look at. "Promise to not nitpick at the story." I wagged my finger at him and he grimaced. 

"I can't promise to do that," he said frankly. 

"Try," I urged. 

He was going to be so tired after watching this. I slowly munched on the vegetable wrap and watched his face. He was very confused in the beginning and then horrified. 

"They are not wearing gloves in the crime scene!" he yelled, appalled. 

"Yes, they aren't wearing biohazard gear for all the bodily fluids that you see in the room either," I fuelled the fire. He nodded vigorously and stared, his food forgotten. Feeling sorry for him, I pushed a piece of wrap in front of his mouth. His eyes flickered to it and then he opened his mouth, beckoning me to put it in. 

I took upon myself the role of the personal feeder and let him nibble at the wrap and move his face away when he wanted to watch the screen intently. 

As I watched him, I wondered if the stuttering of my heartbeat or the comfort and warmth I felt around him meant I liked him. For someone who claimed to be good at communicating and helping Sebastian connect to other humans, I felt like I was the one lacking in skills. 

I hated mulling over things and not knowing. The hunger to know the answer made me ache. So, I wondered how I would find out. Not that I could do anything apart from acknowledging his emotions and mine. I couldn't be in a relationship. 

Someone like me... someone so broken didn't deserve to be beside someone who is sacrificing not only their time but also their emotions to make me feel better. I couldn't promise him happiness. Instead, I could promise him misery and misfortune. In this case, how could I have the right to answer my own question? 

I was being selfish when I said I wanted to find out if I liked him. My next move to prove or disprove my hypothesis would give him false hope. I didn't want to see that in his eyes. 

Such a brilliant man whose eyes glittered with intelligence and self-confidence shouldn't be confused and misled. But he was also an intelligent man. He would know... Surely he would know I was just trying to get my answers. 

He had already told me that I could do with him as I wished. He had known what I could do and he had left himself vulnerable to my explorations.

I felt wretched. As he sat elbow to elbow, I peered at him. His food was forgotten and it was growing cold. He had barely eaten and I had already finished my portion of the food. I took the plates and placed them on a single plate before heating. I placed the food back in front of him and shook his shoulder. 

"Finish your food first. You can watch it any time you want." He was actually grumbling under his breath about how unprofessional everything was. "Don't watch it if you are bothered," I commented. He gave me a fleeting look and smiled. 

"Well, it's a train wreck. I can't look away." I placed myself beside him and searched on my phone. The more I read, the more confident I became. 

I was going to be selfish. I was going to be selfish. I deserved it. 

I tried to tell myself this over and over again. I went to bed earlier than Sebastian. He watched a couple of more episodes before washing up and settling beside me. I had earphones in and pretended not to notice when the bed dipped beside me. 

For the next ten minutes, we laid in silence, not saying a word. Finally, I did what I wanted to do. Dr. Knight had mentioned that being close to someone when I slept could help ward off the demons, so I inched my fingers towards his. My head was turned towards him, my ears filled with loud music so that I wouldn't feel embarrassed about what I was doing. 

He raised his head and glanced towards my hand. He dropped it immediately and looked away. Possibly, he wanted to show that he was not seeing and that I could grab his hand as I wished. I took the leap of faith and grabbed his hand, pulling him closer. 

"Just sleep," I said and nothing more. I didn't hear the response but the next time I looked over, his eyes were closed and his breathing even. I slid my hand out of his and propped myself on my elbows to watch his face. As I watched his slightly parted lips and the curve of his brow, I wondered. 

I wondered if it would be possible for me to live away from this man. If it ever came to that and I never saw this man again, I would miss him terribly. I would think about him too often and all the time. I would feel a little empty when I would see others on the street and wonder if I would be able to connect to anyone like I did this man. 

It seemed, that even if he were happy away from me. Even if I were happy away from him, I would have to choose to stay by his side. At least, if we were miserable, we could be together. Would it be best to leave his side and never turn back, especially now that I knew how he felt? Yes. 

But he had also been the man who had pulled me out of the darkness that threatened to engulf me. He had been the one to stand behind me, not letting the wind and pressure from swaying me. We were not miserable. No, we were not together. No, I didn't know if I liked him. But if I did. Would anything really change? 

I crawled closed to him, my face hovering over his and my eyes planted on his lips. Should I dare? Should I? 

"Are you sure?" I heard his voice suddenly. I startled but remained in my place.

"I don't know," I responded in a whisper. 

"What's holding you back?"

"I don't want to be selfish and make you miserable." Please, let him not be miserable. "I want to know..." I trailed off, unable to tell him that I only wanted to confirm my feelings but wasn't ready to commit to it.

"Be selfish, Evie. If you don't think only about yourself. No one will." His eyes remained closed. I appreciated the gesture too much. 

"And you?" I asked, pain crawling into my voice. 

"We've lived our lives logically, never taking a step out of our calculations. Sometimes I wonder if I should just do something out of instinct. If it didn't work out, we could just forget and go back to our conclusion. Or we could try another approach to get the same result." He explained. 

"During experiments, when you have an intended answer you want and you don't get it, you don't change your thesis, you just change the method by which you are carrying out your experiment. I don't see why this method is any less effective than another. If this helps us reach the intended result, I am willing to try it." His confidence and persuasive speech made me feel less anxious. 

"And what is the intended answer that you are looking for?" I asked.

"That you are healthy and doing what you want in your life. It would be an added bonus if I could stay by your side forever." I stared at his face for a few seconds before placing my palm on his cheek and slowly closing the distance between our lips.

Anxiety be damned. Sometimes, one just needed to jump.