Chapter 200

200 AMA #Eva laid down in the cargo bay, crates of dry foodstuffs all around and under her. Her EyeCast spun around her slowly, and captured her grief for all to see.

It had only been five or six cycles since she last talked to her grandparents, and just over one full cycle since Mack’s devastating message to her.

The pain of their loss was still incredibly fresh to her, and she simply couldn’t stop thinking about the life she had with them. And the life she no longer had with them.

She read Mack’s messages again and again, and wept openly each time.

Once she calmed down enough, she sent Mack a ping, though he didn’t respond until much later.

–

Eva: how’s granddad doing? Is he doing ok? Lmk, alright?

–

She picked herself up off the crates she was lying on, and hopped down to the floor. She paced around the cargo bay as her thoughts swum chaotically in her mind. Her EyeCast followed her with each step.

.....

Eva looked straight at it, and gave it a weak smile.

“Hey everyone,” she told it. “Another AMA for you. Well, kinda. More like a reverse AMA. Sorry ’bout that. And also, sorry ‘coz you all gotta deal with me ranting for a bit, okay?”

As she talked into it, she walked through a cramped Engineering section, and up the ramp to the upper deck.

“I’m sending this out ‘coz I really need your help. I really, really need some questions answered, and I figured – why not ask you all, right? I figure someone’s got the right ones. At least, the ones I need.”

As her EyeCast zoomed in on her, it became evident that she had spent a considerable amount of time in grief. Her eyes were strained and red, while her eyelids were swollen and damp.

“A lot of you probably know that I started all this to help out my grandparents. They were getting up there in age, bills were stacking up, and they needed more and more medical help. These vids and whatnot are the best way I had to make a living for them. And it was all thanks to your help, and your support.

“For a while everything was amazing. I mean, it took a while to get where we’re at, but we made it, right? We were finally able to take care of my grandparents, and Raijin’s parents. But I knew deep down it wasn’t gonna last forever.”

She walked past the Suit-Up Room, where their various flightsuits and environmental armor and weapons were in their lockers. Mostly.

Sometimes, after a long cycle full of work, they tended to simply toss their suits aside then crumple into their bunks. Sometimes, they forgot to clean up after themselves. Like the last place they came from.

Eva mindlessly picked up all of their discarded flightsuits and hung them up in a sanitization chamber in the corner. As she spoke, she ran it through a quick cleaning cycle.

“I mean, no-one lives forever, right? Especially for a couple old nonagenarians. Granddad’s what, 93 or 94 now? And Grandma is... was 91. She lived to 91. Good long while, right? They defo lived it up.

“I remember when I was in High School, I had been living at my gramps’ place for a couple years by that point. My life – seriously – was the shittiest. Never had a lot of friends, and the few that I did... I never felt really welcome with them. They always gave off this feeling like they had better shit to do than hang around me sometimes.”

As the sanitization chamber did its thing and cleaned their suits a bit, she wandered further down the hall towards the Kitchenette. But she didn’t quite make it.

Instead she leaned up just outside its doorway.

“The only times I felt happy was when I was with my grandparents – either of them. Grandma always had some sort of treat ready for me. Pie or cookies or lemonade. Whatever. Grandpa had his books. Whenever I was down, he gave me one to read. Well, until I read every book he had, anyway. Then he just gave me his library card and told me to go to town.”

She laughed lightly as she recalled a few precious memories.

“I wish you guys could see his office library. It’s just so cool. That smell of books just kinda overpowered everything else in there... I remember him being behind his desk a lot of the time, doing whatever work he needed to do. I assumed it was always taxes.

“Anyway, the two of them were always the best to me. They were always there for me, especially when I was at my lowest, when I needed support the most. They gave it, unconditionally. And now... Grandma’s gone. Like, gone gone. And Grandpa... he’s about to leave, too. I get it’s their time. What kills me is that I can’t be there for them the same way they were for me...”

Eva burst into tears as all her other memories came piling in at the same time. They collided with the reality of her situation and threatened to undo her.

“They’re all so damn far away, and I can’t even do something as simple as hold them. I can’t tell them with my own damned breath that I love them. I should’ve been by Grandma’s side when she passed, and I should be by my Grandpa’s side now that’s he’s... while he...”

She slid down to the floor and curled up there, with her arms around her legs as she wept into her knees.

Tears coursed down her cheeks as her deepest regrets ate away at her. The pain of loss combined with her guilt and helplessness struck her over and over.

She felt like her insides were being gutted out by some invisible, alien force.

After a while, she wiped off her tears, picked herself up, and dragged herself into the Kitchenette. She sighed deeply and regulated her own breathing consciously, as she deliberately shed her own grief and misery.

“All of this has made me realize a few things about my new life. Yeah, it has been the most transformative thing that’s ever happened to me. I am 100% better than I used to be. I’m a person who I’ve always wanted to be.

“All that shit about potential and dreams coming true, about lives filled with possibility and power and wealth and recognition and influence... I get it now. I really do. But it all came at a cost. I guess it always does. And I thought I came to terms with that a while ago... But I guess not so much.”

Eva reached into one of the storage bins and pulled out a MealBar. Nothing too fancy – just simple tasteless rations for the discerning pilot. She opened it up and munched on it absentmindedly.

Not that she needed it in the first place, but she had this overwhelming need to move, to act, to do something. Subconsciously, she was in dire need of a pint of ice cream, a blanket, and a sad as fuck movie.

And as she spoke, her EyeCast kept on spinning around her. It revealed the Kitchenette all around her.

More than half of the Kitchenette’s appliances had been replaced by Amal’s medical refinement machines and Miko’s materials recycler and object reprinter. The entire place itself was littered with chemicals, drugs, machine parts, tools, and all sorts of half-built devices.

There was an open crate half-filled with Amal’s ultrafentanyl, hundreds of thousands of credits worth, just kind of... sitting there.

Not to mention Max’s personal items, all tucked away neatly in the Kitchenette’s booth/makeshift bed.

Eva eyed one of Amal’s vials of concentrated ultrafentanyl as she took another bite of her MealBar, but shook her attention away.

“I get now just how serious I paid a price for this life. For this body, and this mind, and this heart. For all these opportunities and credits and coins. It isn’t just losing my grandparents. It’s costing me everything that matters, now and forever. Every single one of us is paying that price.

“I’ve come to realize that immortality isn’t the awesome game changer you might think it is. I mean, it’s great, yeah – can learn anything I want, do anything I want, see everything, experience everything. Anything, everything, any time, any place. Maybe one day I could transform into a being of pure energy and roam the galaxy like that...”

Completely unsatisfied by her MealBar, she pocketed it and headed straight out of the Kitchenette. Instead, she went into the bridge, and looked at each and every seat inside.

“The truth is that immortality’s a curse. It’s an eternity filled with loss and regret. Anyone and everyone who means anything to you will die. Not just them, but their children, and their children’s children. You get to see entire clans you love rise and fall and fade away. One day, this mountain is gonna be ground down, and all the people who lived in it just some footnote in some record somewhere.

“I just can’t shake it – I know I’m gonna see people who I care about die. Mack and Max and Claire. They’ll be gone at some point. Just dust and fading memories.”

She sighed and plopped down in the pilot’s seat. With deft movements, she flicked on all of her MFDs, and set them all to a 360 degree view of the outside of the ship.

Ice and snow all around.

“What’s that thing Einstein said? ‘Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results?’ It’s kinda true here. I feel like insanity is experiencing loss over and over again and expecting your heart not to break each time.

“So you’re probably thinking by now ‘What the fuck? What the hell’s your question?’ I’ve got a few, so bear with me. It’s these: What’s the point of it all? If it all ends in loss no matter what I gain, then isn’t this insanity? Am I prepared for an eternity of insanity? Why do all of this? Why keep going? Why not just stop, go out with a bang? Answer me that!’

Eva exhaled with deep exasperation and buried her head in her hands. Her tears began to well up again as her thoughts turned towards her grandparents, her losses, her gains, her impossible future.

Her EyeCast came in a little closer, and caught her existential despair for all to see. It stayed there for a minute or so and absorbed some of her pain.

Then she got a notification in her DI. It chimed in her head, and swept all her questions away. At least, momentarily.

–

Miko: Help! Crazy space zombies in the entire settlement! Possible space vampire controlling them! Not a joke – come quickly! Come armed!

–

She was immediately alarmed by Miko’s message, and replied over and over. But received no response in return.

Eva quickly stood up, wiped the tears from her eyes, and ran out to help her family.