CH 37

It was a motel only in name, but it was a dorm that was shabbier than an inn. I always woke up to the smell of mold and a stinky toilet. Perhaps because the manager got a discount due to a long-term stay, the owner didn’t even clean the room we were using properly. Anyway, I was so busy that I didn’t even have time to wash up and lie down. So there was always a yellow blanket spread out on the floor. I got used to the manager’s snoring noise as soon as I laid down, so if I don’t hear it, my eyes open automatically. 

Heading to the accommodation in a remote place with the cake, I thought of Hansoo and the manager, who were sleeping there now due to the fatigue that came late. Filming was after lunch, so the alarm was set around 12 o’clock. Keeping the time in mind, I crossed the parking lot behind the motel because I wanted to go quickly and sleep a little more. However, my prediction that the two of them would be restlessly sleeping in the room was wrong. Almost as I approached the back door, a barely audible, faint voice caught my attention.

I stopped. As I was about to step through the open back door, I realized that the voice was not unfamiliar to me. And quietly, without making a sound of footsteps, I went back to the side of the building where there was an entryway to a hill, the cause of all kinds of insects entering the room even if the windows were closed, caught my eye. And I saw Hansoo standing towards the hill. Holding the script in his hand and acting.

“… I will go to Seoul soon. I’m trying to find a job there. There’s a place I’m told to work here, but I didn’t tell my parents. When I go to Seoul…”

Hansoo spoke with clear pronunciation as if there was a second party in front of him. He even lowered his hand in a natural motion without looking at the script in his hand as if he had already memorized it. For quite some time, he stood still in the corner until he had finished one man’s lines. The lines that Hansoo said were the lines I said at dawn. A role that was lucky enough to fall into my lap because I wasn’t nervous in front of the camera. I don’t remember how I did it properly because I was nervous, but I didn’t think about forcing myself to think about it again. Because I thought it was already over. 

But when I finished my lines and saw Hansoo playing the main character’s lines, I suddenly didn’t feel sleepy anymore. Yes, I wasn’t the only one who was there. There was Hansoo, and there were also two novice actors like me although they were extras. The role fell on me, but I didn’t care at all how the others felt when they saw it. I didn’t know how much they wanted to act. In particular, what must have happened to Hansoo, who has far superior skills than me. He must have been upset because he couldn’t overcome his camera phobia, and envious. Still, I remembered how happy he was along with the manager as my screen time increased.

The fact that he was genuinely happy chilled my waking mind. When did that guy start practicing all the roles? The familiar lines that flowed out of his mouth let me know how often he practiced, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. It seemed like he was reading the script every now and then, but there was no time to practice apart. Even when we were sleeping, we fell asleep in the same room… Oh, that’s right. Only then did I understand why I was always the first to wake up and wake the other two. He practiced while I was sleeping. Like that all the time.

The image of Hansoo’s back did not disappear from my mind until I turned around and entered the motel. And when I arrived at the door of the dorm, I realized that Hansoo wasn’t the only one who hadn’t slept. The voice of the manager talking on the phone came out the door faintly.

“Yes, yes. I’m eating well. Did you get the paycheck this month? First, pay the overdue school fees. I’ll send you some more next month. The new actor is doing a better job than I expected, so the company treats me well… Yeah, really. Really good. He doesn’t hesitate to do hard work, he does everything, and he’s a good kid… Yeah, no, it’s okay. All the money I’ll spend will come from the company separately, so don’t worry. Tell mother-in-law I’m sorry. …No! I’m not comfortable going. I really can’t go because of work. We don’t even have a home, it’s not like we’re only receiving. …Why are you crying again? I said it’s okay. I’ll get my money back soon…”

The murmur of the voice became less audible, but it was only after a long time that I was able to move from the spot. I went outside again and sat down on the floor with the cake box by the steps at the entrance. Once awake, my sleepiness completely vanished, but there was no time to enjoy the fresh morning air. In my head, PD Jung’s advice I heard when we parted kept coming to mind.

‘When the opportunity comes, seize it well.’

Opportunity. I thought it was a bit of luck. And I didn’t know that I had to take PD Jung’s words more seriously. Of course. The number one reason why I was still an actor was because revenge exists. So it didn’t matter if I went in right away and laid down my tired body. But, unable to move, I looked up at the sky for a long time until my head hurt.

When I finally looked down from the cloudless sky, the cake next to me caught my eye. Should I have bought a sandwich? With a little regret, I got up and entered the motel. In my head, I was thinking of my script in the corner of the room. 

———

I handed the cake to the supporting staff and sat down at the end of the empty lot, rubbing my eyes tired because I was not able to sleep. This place, which had become like a hideout, was the site of an abandoned small factory on the outskirts of the city, but fortunately the owner was vacant, so I got permission to use it for a while. At first, it was cast as a place for a movie, but the filming took a long time, so people settled there. Still, it was a place where they could leave various equipment and borrowed trucks away from rain or dew, so naturally, we gathered here for the first time.

There was the inconvenience of having 2-3 people always taking turns living in a tent to watch over the equipment, but it was a place to rest comfortably when filming was delayed like now. The director had gone somewhere with the camera director and assistant director to see if there was any problem with the next scene, and he had not yet arrived.

“Hm? Aren’t you going to eat cake?” 

Hansoo, who had a lot of cream on his lips, approached, joyfully giggling. With two slices of cake in both hands that looked like they had been torn off by hand, I narrowed my eyes and glared. If you come close and put cream on me, you die. Then, Hansoo, who immediately recognized the unspoken warning, stepped back. However, Hansoo’s wariness was all in vain.

“Uhahaha, how delicious is this cake? Taemin-ah, you too, eat some… Oh!”

The manager, who was running with a cake in both hands like Hansoo, tripped over a stone and fell.

“Aiyo~!” 

The manager, who had barely fallen over with an exaggerated sound, stretched out his legs outstretched for balance, and a smile of relief filled his face.

“Haha, did you two see it? My flexibility to not fall even when holding cake in both hands. It’s all because my back is supporting…”

It was only then that the manager who was talking noticed that the cake in one of his hands had fallen to the floor. Then, while looking for the cake that had fallen, he turned towards me. Exactly on my upper body covered in cake.

“…” 

“…”

I looked up at him, wiping the cream on my face, and he stepped back.

“… A- Are you mad?”

Instead of answering, I brushed the cream with my hand onto the floor. The manager scrambled to Hansoo’s side and asked with a trembling voice. 

“… Are you going to hit me?”

“Can I hit you?”

He flinched. Hiding behind Hansoo, who was equally surprised, he weeped.

“P tjnf j rilqqfv vlrx…” 

Ktf oifzlylilas atja atf ibkfg yjmx reqqbgafv? Cr P aglfv ab jrx atfw ab ulnf wf j alrref, ktfc P gfjmtfv bea ws tjcv, atf akb bo atfw ijeutfv, jcv oilaafv ab ws rlvf. Mbg j wbwfca, P gfjiis kjcafv ab tla tlw, yea P ofia atf nlygjalbc bo ws qtbcf lc ws yjmx qbmxfa. Qtfc P klqfv ws tjcvr klat atf alrref ws wjcjufg ujnf wf jcv abbx bea ws mfii qtbcf, akb qfbqif gfjmafv yfobgf wf.

“It’s the madman!”

When the manager was startled, Hansoo jumped up and ran somewhere.

“Mhmph umm uhaahh!” 

The words he shouted with two pieces of cake shoved into his mouth could only be understood after a moment when I saw the dictionary in his hand. As soon as he arrived in front of me, he opened the dictionary and gave a spiteful look.

“Let’s see! This time, I will definitely get it right, madman!”

The manager next to him gave the same look and strengthened his will, but rather than feeling reassured that I had teammates, there was this troublesome feeling. So, under the pressure of the two of them, I checked the text message on the cell phone. Sure enough, it was a problem sent by the madman.

— What is the capital of Lithuania? 

“…”

“…”

“…”

Tap. 

After a long silence, the dictionary that Hansoo dropped broke the silence, but we couldn’t open our mouths even after that. But he must have felt the same way as me.

Oh really, this madman you bastard…

———

It’s been 3 weeks since I came down to XX. The longer the provincial shooting, the higher the cost of filming, so we filmed really hard without taking a day off. In other words, time was money. So, PD Jung did not waste a single day as he set an example of how a low-budget movie should be shot. One of the reasons why the filming went so fast was the non-specific script. 

PD Jung deliberately did not write down the necessary props for the script. First of all, there was a high possibility that the necessary props could not be found on site, and for the budget, it was quicker to determine the necessary props at that time and connect them to the content. Thanks to this, somes lines were changed on the spot, the expected scenes were changed, but the improvised parts were more suitable for the movie. Of course, there were times when they couldn’t get the desired scene even after shooting dozens of times.

Because of that, the staff working alongside had to run back and forth to death, but there was no time to complain about the frantic filming schedule. When moving to the next filming location, if they found a place they liked, they would get off and film right away. When it suddenly rained while filming, everyone got excited saying that there was no need to use the water sprinkler, so they covered the equipment in plastic and ran outside. Still, they took the time to cast the necessary places. There was a police station scene, and at that time, they had a person eat and sleep at the police station for 5 days before they finally got permission to shoot.

It had been ten days since I met the madman at the hotel as the difficult days of not being able to sleep properly continued. And the film crew who filmed there before us were only finishing filming after more than a month had passed. In the meantime, the manager went up to Seoul a few times to do other things, but Hansoo and I stayed here.

In the meantime, Hansoo had been known to practice hard despite his bright personality and camera phobia, and he received a lot of affection from the staff. On the other hand, maybe because of my unfriendly personality, I didn’t have anyone to talk to. To be honest, I was comfortable with this because there was so much time alone that I was able to read the script again. So I didn’t know that my actions would be reflected in other people. 

I spent a lot more time sitting and waiting than appearing on-camera, so I had been sitting next to the lighting I was in charge of this morning, looking at the tattered script again. As early as tomorrow, I would shoot all the necessary scenes here and finally go up to Seoul, but I didn’t feel at ease much. One of the last remaining scenes was where I appeared. It was a scene where I just run without any lines, but after that, I had to act quite astonished at the place I reached after running. I couldn’t get it right, so I kept picturing it in my head.

“What are you worried about?”

When I opened my eyes to the voice from above, I saw a male actor, the main character of the movie. He was said to have a very ordinary appearance, like one you could encounter on the street, and he was originally a theater actor and appeared in movies mainly as a supporting actor. After appearing in PD Jung’s last movie, he formed a connection with him and appeared unpaid. As for the praise PD Jung gave while drinking, he said that he was the only person who performed properly in the second movie.

Even to me, he acted so well that I wondered if the main character in the play might be his real life. He was more interested in theater than film, so after this film, he was going to focus on acting again, so there would be very few opportunities to work together again. And he was one of the few people who didn’t hesitate to talk to me. 

Thud.

Blowing dust, he sat down in front of me and said, ‘Give me that,’ and held out his hand. I turned the page I was looking at to him.

“Ah, this scene. Well, it’s actually more difficult to act without lines.”

As I nodded and pretended to understand what he was talking about, he turned it over to the back page, and I opened my mouth. 

“I am not worried.”

Then, slowly, his lips rose. He raised his eyes as if he knew I would say so.

“By the way, isn’t it fascinating? There are people who think your way of speaking is obnoxious, but it doesn’t seem that way at all after talking to you.”

Oh, there are people who think I’m obnoxious. I looked around and checked with my eyes a few people I could guess, and I heard him continue, “How should I say this…”. He looked into the air for a moment, as if recalling a metaphor, and then opened his mouth. 

“Is it like a robot saying ‘I love you’ but it doesn’t feel anything?”

“…”

“Oh, it’s not an insult. That seems to be the reason why you blend so well with the character you are playing now.”

‘Blend so well’. However, I didn’t quite understand it. The director said something similar; that it was going to appear natural because I felt similar to the character. However, the character and I didn’t have much in common. He was a schoolboy who had only studied in an ordinary family with his parents, got a job in a good company, and was a perfectionist and very neat person. Except for the fact that the only friend around him was the main character, he had an easygoing personality. But I didn’t believe we were similar. Could someone who had lived a life I had not experienced have a similar feeling to me? 

“He’s the opposite of me.”

I looked down at the script and frowned slightly.

“But it’s awkward to play that role with my emotions.”

He shortly quickly recognized my concerns. 

“You can’t accept this role as yourself, can you? Being in a certain environment, and you’re wondering if you can do the lines in this way.”

As I nodded, he smiled softly.

“It’s okay. That’s a natural concern. In that case, it is helpful to listen to the advice of those around you. As I said, you have the personality to express the character here well. You feel dry, so if you try hard to play someone else, it will fall apart. So it’s okay to erase some of the characters from your head to make it work.”

When he asked if he had confused me more, I shook my head. Then, I reached out and took the script from him and looked it over again. ‘Erase it to some extent’. Could a person living such a normal life be similar to me? I first got rid of this part of my mind that was feeling doubtful. And I simplified his life which I did not understand, by changing it into my own way. 

A model student who only studies; it was a boring life. You have to hold yourself back with perseverance. Besides, if you always have to keep everything clean and be responsible for work you took on until the end… Increasingly, the things you want, the things you desire, the joyful things get cut away. As if the me inside was gradually disappearing within myself. Then my last five years overlapped in a blur. I lived and breathed, but didn’t exist. After a while, when I looked up, my eyes met with a distinctive look.

“Is it resolved?”

“Yes.”

On a slight nod, he stared and opened his mouth. 

“Okay, then tell me. You have to run hard with me and check the grave and be surprised. I’ll stand there and cry in dismay. What is your line to me? ‘I’m sorry.’ That’s just one word. How would you express it?”

“I’m going to step back.”

I slowly explained to him.

“I’m not used to comforting anyone. And I think it’s completely the person’s business to vent their emotions, so it’s rude to stand next to them. So, I’m just going to say ‘I’m sorry’. I’m going to step back to the point where I can’t be seen on the screen and only my voice will come out.” 

“…”

“What’s wrong?”

When I asked due to his strange stare, he slowly smiled. He was four years older than me, but his expression somehow seemed pure.

“I’ll tell you now, to be honest, I was very surprised to hear that you were a person who only learned acting for a month. But, I soon found out that it was very lucky. If your first role is a role you can easily do, wouldn’t it be great luck? Besides, next to you…” 

He turned his eyes to look at Hansoo playing with the staff.

“Isn’t there a misfortune genius?”

He shrugged his shoulders as if joking.

“So your luck seemed bigger. That’s probably why other people think you’re a jerk.” 

“So you mean for me I should be humble?”

I asked with a stiff tone that others would consider obnoxious, but he smiled and shook his head.

“No. I had just wanted to let you know that luck can be poison to you. A role that can be easily played is good at first, but it never helps you improve your acting skills. In the end, I was only looking for roles that I was good at, and I was more and more reluctant to do other roles, and then I fell apart. And this is by no means uncommon.”

As I listened to his advice, I noticed something strange. ‘I had just wanted to let you know’. I vaguely realized that his words were in past tense, and looked at him quietly. Sure enough, the following words were different from the previous ones. 

“But maybe…”

As he trailed off, he tilted his head to the side.

“You may not need any advice. I think you might be a genius who can’t be seen by luck.”

Are you kidding me? I made a questionable expression, but his face didn’t look like he was joking. He added one more thing, as if he knew I didn’t believe him. 

“Aren’t you born with a strong heart that doesn’t get nervous?”

As I responded with a dissatisfied look, he stood up with a grin.

“So there may only be one thing required from you.”

“What?” 

“A heart determined to do something. Oh, there are times when I wonder if this is what you really want to do.”

Murmuring that the director was late, he turned around and asked the staff in a loud voice.

“Why isn’t the director coming?”

In the distance, someone replied that perhaps a guest came, because he left in a hurry. I heard the explanation with one ear and turned my head to the sound of calling my name. 

“Taemin.”

As soon as the person who advised me left, the manager looked at me with curious eyes, as if he had been waiting.

“What were you talking about so seriously?”

-Sometimes you have doubts about what you really want to do. 

The actor’s last words came to mind, but I replied that he didn’t say much. Incidentally, at this time, Hansoo popped out of nowhere.

“Ah-! She’s here, she’s here.”

The manager’s expression distorted at the sound of a small exclamation. Even if that wasn’t the case, seeing that the filming set suddenly became quiet, I knew immediately who was coming. An actress who was one of the supporting actors. Although this movie was said to be a film that PD Jung wanted to shoot, there were parts that could not be helped. There was a condition from the party who made the initial investment that they had to use a certain actress. Like me, this was her first acting gig, and she was the granddaughter of the investment company manager’s uncle’s close friend.

There weren’t many scenes where she appeared, and fortunately her acting wasn’t terrible so the director accepted it, but the problem was her behavior. Every time she came, she appeared in a van that celebrities ride, with a manager and stylists as if she were a top star. Of course, she wanted others to treat her like a top star. She was so picky that she brought her own chair. Last time, she called her grandfather crying that she didn’t have a chair of her own, and later, the manager of the investment company called with a tired voice. 

PD Jung said, “Since there are not many scenes of her, let’s just put up with it”, and everyone wanted to finish filming with her as soon as possible. And today was the long-awaited last day. The familiar white Benz came to the set and stopped. Everyone stopped moving and looked at Benz, and the door opened and the princess appeared. She looked pitifully skinny and looked at us as if we were beggars whenever people looked at her, and headed for a seat in the shade. In fact, everyone was like a beggar because they didn’t have many chances to wash up.

“Apparently her father works at the Blue House.”

As Hansoo watched the princess and whispered, the manager added.

“I heard her uncle is a lawyer.” 

“Her grandfather set her up with this agency.”

“The only celebrities in the company are the princess and her two friends.”

“That friend is that stylist.”

Hearing the serious conversation between the two, doubts arose, such as ‘why did they know so well?’ However, the knowledge of these two princesses was endless. 

“There’s a program where dozens of non-celebrities come out and answer questions, right? After coming out as a panelist, she moved in front of the broadcasting station because she felt inconvenient about people on the street recognizing her.”

“But she’s been idle for two months, besides this movie.”

When I opened my mouth to ask why they knew that so well, I was taken back by the vibration in my pocket. When I took out my phone, the two people who were discussing the princess’s secrets widened their eyes and looked around. Then, the two automatically got up to go get a dictionary, a world map and a common sense book. However, seeing the text on the screen, I stopped the two with my hands.

— 2nd floor of the building in the front 

What? When I raised my eyes, I saw a building with a coffee shop on the first floor across the vacant lot to where we were located. No way… As I got up from my seat with a frown, I heard someone next to me asking, ‘Isn’t it the madman?’ Instead of answering, I took a step forward and mumbled briefly.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”