CH 1

“Turning over a new leaf”. That’s a good saying. Letting go of the past, being a good person is the right thing to do. However, it would be best to have a situation where you don’t have to turn over a new leaf in the first place.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the best situation. Because I was a complete jerk, like a typical ruffian. Since middle school, I’ve been suspended frequently for doing all sorts of bad things, and I was expelled from high school after not attending for a year. 

My mother, who raised me and my brother without her husband, also stopped berating me with a desperate face when I was expelled from school. She must have been very tired. She must have wanted to give up on her son as she was busy working at a restaurant from dawn and making ends meet. After not attending school, I thought my world like a foal without reins, so I did anything I wanted to. I forcefully took money from people of the same age wearing school uniforms, stole the money from drunkards and drank alcohol every day. Being free from anyone’s interference, I smoked two or three packs a day, and later I began to engage in drugs, starting with what someone gave me. I got a tattoo to show off, rode a motorcycle, hung out with guys like me, and fought.

Probably because the only thing I knew how to do was fight, I led the group and enjoyed doing dangerous feats on the motorcycle in the middle of the night. I thought it was cool at the time. I thought that I was a great guy. Everyone was afraid of me, they didn’t even dare to meet my eyes. Little did I know that all of these gradually numbed me and pushed me into an inescapable abyss.

From time to time, I hear some stories about people who turned over a new leaf, one of which says that one day he suddenly felt skeptical about himself and came to his senses. How nice would it be if I could do that too? It would have been good if I had looked in the mirror and got surprised by the blond haired delinquent and came to my senses. I know it’s useless to regret now, but when I think about the past, the guilt weighs down my heart.

When other people reached the age where they had to rush to prepare for university entrance exams, I worked for a loan business, saying I was getting a job. What I do was collect the money. Most of the people who couldn’t pay back were people who could barely live by, but had nowhere to run away to because they were so poor. However, in my eyes, it was just extra pay. I committed violence, threatened children and women, waited until midnight and threatened them with a knife. I did anything to get the money. 

The amount of money I earned was greater than I thought, and I was as proud as ever. See, making money is easy. Everyone was still afraid of me and there seemed to be nothing I couldn’t do. My mom who spent a decade working in the restaurant and couldn’t get out of the basement single-room monthly rent was pitiful and irritable. So I never brought home the money I earned. I was busy using it for entertainment. I drank expensive liquor every day, wandered around in high-end bars and pubs and enjoyed feeling like I was an amazing person.

The only person I spent money on was my lover, Myeongshin. Having dropped out of high school like me, he was a pretty-looking man who could make people believe he was a woman. Myeongshin, who made me realize for the first time that I could sleep with men, didn’t talk much but just followed me around like a puppy, spurred my protective instincts. There was no need to worry about getting pregnant and we could satisfy physiological needs at any time if needed. At first it was just that, but after meeting him for a year, I started thinking that he was my woman.

Of course, I found out later that it was my own illusion. No, life itself at that time was an illusion to me, so I don’t think he was anything special. Perhaps because of his outstanding appearance, he wanted to become a celebrity and diligently attended school with the money I gave him, and wandered around the entertainment agencies. I wondered if he would be able to act with that meek personality, but I didn’t care much. It was my daily routine to comfort him, who was always deceived by fraud agencies and lost money and was depressed.

Then a year passed and it became early summer. While guys my age have entered college and enjoyed college life for 2 years, I was still making money by threatening people. That day, I had a strangely bad morning. The boyfriend who was often tricked by his entertainment companies, came by a few days ago excitedly saying that this casting was real. If that was true, I’d be robbed of money again. Even thinking about it, his excited face strangely offended me. As I drank until dawn, I woke up late and left the house to go to the lender’s office, but someone was waiting for me nearby.

“Hyung.”

When I turned my head to a familiar voice, I saw my younger brother, whom I saw when I went home a month ago, standing there in my old middle school uniform that no longer fit my body.

“What?”

Why are you here during school time? As I frowned and approached the skinny kid, he opened his mouth to speak bluntly. 

“Mom is sick.”

“So?”

“…”

“What do you want me to do about that?” 

“…Money. Mom’s hospital bills.”

He must have hated saying that, as my brother’s mouth closed and twisted. I didn’t hide my irritation and took my wallet out of my pocket and checked the 10,000 won bills inside.

“How much?”

“How much can you give me?” 

I stopped trying to take out all the 10,000 won bills and asked the first question that I should have asked.

“Qtja’r kgbcu klat tfg?”

“…P vbc’a xcbk. Vtf revvfcis mbiijqrfv jcv cffvr ab ufa regufgs.”

Ktjcxr ab wf kbgxlcu klatbea j rlcuif vjs boo, P kjr jyif ab ajxf bea j 10,000 kbc ylii, atlcxlcu jybea ws wbatfg ktb jikjsr ilnfv klat wlcbg jliwfcar. 

“Lfgf.”

Zs ygbatfg abbx atf wbcfs ribkis, mbecafv atf wbcfs lc tlr tjcv jcv jrxfv yiecais jujlc.

“Can you give me more?”

“Then how much is the hospital fee?” 

“4.2 million won.”

“…What?”

Exactly how sick is she… The words I wanted to say did not come out of my mouth as I looked at my brother. It’s hard to tell when he had grown up so big, but my brother now looked like a person who was borrowing money from someone else and not his family member. As if he didn’t want to get involved with me anymore.

“Can you give it to me? I’ll give it back later.” 

How can you pay me back? I barely swallowed my words and looked at my watch.

“Come back later in the afternoon. I’m going to collect money today, so I can give you half if not all.”

Then, my brother nodded once, turned around and disappeared. Seeing my brother disappear, I realized that he must have been waiting here for hours. I was going to have to ask a favor that I don’t want to.

The bad feeling I got today persisted as I went to collect money. Today, I had to collect from a couple running a Pojangmacha. Compared to the couple who’s in their early 40s, their child was only about 3 years old. But because there was something wrong with the child’s leg, they had to borrow money to do the surgery. They cherished him because he was the only child they had at this late age, but because of him, they had to spend all of their monthly income to pay off their debts. But it was hard to make ends meet and in the end, they still could not pay the interest for three months already. This was the fourth time I have visited this couple. Every time, I’ve been leaving empty-handed, but I couldn’t afford to do that today. The reason was because I also needed money so I had to to use a method that I don’t use often. 

“Gasp!! W-why are you doing this?!” The pale-faced husband shouted, next to his wife who collapsed, crying.

“W-what are you doing?! Quickly put down t-the knife!”

Like his wife, he looked like he was about to collapse, but maybe because he was a man, he managed to step forward. However, I grabbed the crying child’s body and pulled him closer. In my other hand, there was a dagger with a sharp blade.

“Hwaaaaaaa- hu waaaaa-!!” 

The small child was crying loudly and struggling as I held so tightly that red marks were left on his body. When I held the knife to him, the man knelt down.

“Please, please let go of the child… I beg you. I’ll give you anything. Whatever it is…”

I smiled at the sobbing voice and asked for one thing.

“Bring me the monthly rent contract for this house.” 

The man looked up, startled.

“B-but then where are we supposed to live…”

“Ahhhhh!!”

I pressed the knife close to the boy’s soft flesh. Perhaps because of the coldness of the knife, the boy panicked and started struggling to get out. The blade brushed against the skin, leaving a red thread-like wound. Then, the man called out the boy’s name, reaching out with a trembling hand. 

“I’ll give it to you! So please don’t touch the boy already!”

The man staggered to his feet and pulled out a contract he had hidden somewhere. He hasn’t paid the rent for several months, so now he had only half the deposit left, but that was sufficient for my brother. I picked up the contract, rolled my eyes and threw the fainted boy onto the floor. The child’s mother approached first and began to cry, hugging the child. I didn’t take off my shoes when I entered, so I just opened the door, then turned my head to look at the sound behind me.

“You…”

Now only the woman’s cries filled the small single room, but I could hear the man’s low voice clearly. Maybe it was because I saw his eyes full of anger. 

“You will receive retribution.”

“Retribution? Hmm, if there’s something like that, then all the bad guys would be dead, dumbass.”

I snorted and closed the door, behind my back, the woman’s cries could still be heard.

I slowly walked home after finishing some more work. It was the time that I would like to return to most if I could go back in time. But at that time, I only wanted to hand over the money I had earned easily to my brother and go back to hang out with Myeongshin. The only thing that can relieve the feeling of dread that I have been feeling since morning was his pleasant body. 

“Hyung, why are you so late?”

He must have waited at that spot for quite some time. I frowned as I was about to take the money out of my pocket. This insolent guy, why’s your expression like that? And why are you here now? It’s annoying to have to give him the money. Normally, I would have jabbed him a few times but I took out the envelope with the money from my pocket and approached him. I just wanted to give it to him quickly and go home.

“2 million won for now. I’ll get more tomorrow…”

I was about to say I would go get more if I could, but my brother’s expression turned strange. No, he wasn’t looking at me but staring behind me with startled eyes. What is it? As I turned my head, something suddenly passed by me quickly. Just when I realized that someone was running past, I suddenly heard a groan in front of me. 

“Urgh…! ”

As I turned around again, what came into my view was my younger brother who was shocked with his eyes wide open and his mouth opened. Someone was in front of him as if he were holding him in his arms. With one hand, he stabbed my brother in the stomach with a knife. He slowly turned around, it was the boy’s father from just now, as his angry eyes met mine, he muttered.

“This is divine punishment.”

I couldn’t remember what happened after that in detail. All I could think of was the crimson blood and when I woke up, it was dawn and my brother was dead. I don’t even know how I got home. But doesn’t the saying go that misfortunes come all at once? When I returned the next day and opened the door to my room, what I saw in the room was a mess as if the place had just been turned upside down. The 10 million won that I had to bring to the office disappeared, and the landlord had withdrawn the deposit. I finally realized that I had been betrayed by Myeongshin. 

It would be nice if the misfortune ended here, but there was still one person left; the person who made my younger brother borrow for hospital bills, Mom. I went to see her two days after my brother’s death, but the only thing that awaited me was news that my mother had missed her chance for surgery, and was now diagnosed as brain dead. At that moment, I couldn’t accept this sudden situation. How did things become like this? Why did everything fall apart all at once? Then, I heard the doctor’s inquiry. The sound was so clear that it seemed like the only word I had heard in days.

“She’s still alive as she relies on a ventilator, but she won’t last long. If you’re ready to let your mother go…”

“Are you asking me to decide whether to kill my mother or not?”

I already killed my brother, now he wants me to kill my mother too? No matter how crazy my life used to be, now I had no choice but to come to my senses when my brother died and my mother was dying in front of me. 

Even though the doctor said that only my mom’s body was alive, I insisted on keeping her hooked to expensive equipment. I left the hospital and went to the loan company I worked for to borrow money to keep her alive.

“So how are you going to pay me back?” The boss’s question was filled with laughter.

“I’ll work like a dog and pay you back.”

He couldn’t help but grin. 

“Everyone says that and borrows money. But none of them pay me back properly. Will you too? You know, you can’t work for me anymore. I can’t leave my money to a guy like you.”

“I’ll do something else and pay you back.”

“Yeah, that’s what they say.” The office owner took a pile of money out of the safe.

“You know what happens if you don’t pay me back right?” 

“Yes.”

“What a headache. I’m looking forward to the day you kneel down and cry and ask for help.”

Leaving my boss laughing amusedly behind me, I went to the hospital with the money to pay for the hospital fees. Then I returned to my real home after a long time. Still a stale place where the sun doesn’t shine underground. The room that no one had entered for several days was filled with a sombre atmosphere. When I stepped in, it felt heavy as if it was about to break. The person must have been in a hurry to get out as the blankets were only half folded and some clothes had fallen under the hanger.

There were still signs that someone had lived here, but that only made me feel more suffocated. It felt like I was just a thorn caught in the middle of this perfect picture and became an uninvited guest. I walked over to the monitor that was still blinking. As I approached and moved the mouse, the computer screen that was not turned off immediately lit up. For a moment, I frowned and muttered. 

“This guy, you didn’t turn off the computer and went out…”

Before I could finish my sentence, I stopped. Ah, that’s right. My brother is already dead.

I stood up and looked around the room. Traces of my brother and mother were left everywhere. Middle school textbooks and reference books were piled up on the desk, and a half-cut eraser in front of them. The timetable pasted on the wall was handwritten by my brother and beautifully drawn with colored pencils of various colors, making it look like it didn’t belong to a boy. Come to think of it, I remembered him saying he studied hard.

As I turned away from the desk, I saw a small plastic basket full of small sample cosmetic items. All of my mother’s makeup fits in that small basket. Whenever she went somewhere, she’d use it sparingly. This plastic basket I’ve seen since I was a child was now worn out and half-broken, so it was difficult to determine its color. Standing in the middle of the room, my eyes stayed there for a long time. Everything here had stopped in ordinary daily life, waiting for its owner and keeping a casual appearance. 

In the home of my dead brother and departing mother, I realized it. I am the only one alive.