CH 165

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Liloa.”

“This happened because I fell too short. I should have cracked them down sooner, but I couldn’t. It’s driving me insane… Did anything happen on deck?”

“It’s all my fault that they can go on a rampage like this. Half of the old crew retired due to the offer I made them…”

“…Didn’t you get hit? Did you get injured?”

Lil didn’t bear to ask if he had been spit on. She thought she’d better free herself quickly and see for herself, so she moved her hand again. But even in the midst of worrying about Cesar, she was tempted to ask who was commanding the helm. 

‘The two people who know the route best are tied up, so who the hell is going to move the ship? This is insane, but I have to ease Cesar’s mood first…’

“Alain took the helm.”

“Huh? Oh, okay…”

“Of course, Alain didn’t agree with Julio. After I refused, the old man took over for everyone’s safety, and an officer’s meeting is currently in progress. One of Julio’s conditions was to vote while you were still being detained. In a fit of rage, one of our men broke one of his crew’s arm. The atmosphere got worse after that, three more were injured when they demanded to release you. They wanted to isolate me as well, thinking I could influence the decision of the crew, so I came down voluntarily.”

Lil couldn’t help but question why Cesar came down here himself.

“Why did you do that? And why do you let them treat you like this? There’s no way you’re pleased with something like this… I don’t want you to be humiliated too. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I can’t stand it… I would rather have you on deck right now, what’s the point of being here? They still follow you… I don’t understand this at all…”

Lil suddenly realised something and breathlessly swallowed her words. 

‘The sailors up there aren’t the sailors from the Navy he swore to lead and protect…’

“Because you’re here.”

“…”

“I’m more concerned about you than the crew.”

Her hand, which had continuously scrubbed the glass shard against the rope, stopped. At that point, she had already cut halfway through the straps around her wrists, and they would be completely undone with just a little more. However, instead of finishing the job, the shocked Lil opened her mangled palm and the shard of glass she had been holding tightly fell down helplessly. 

She could hear his stable breathing behind her back. With her hair most likely touching his shoulders, they were close enough to reach, but their position made it impossible for them to look in the same direction. Ironically, she thought that this fact really reflected their entire relationship.

Lil struggled to lift her head when her eyes began to fill with tears.

“…When I was young, I had a doll. She was so pretty that I always carried her with me…”

“…”

“…I don’t know why I liked dolls back then. Maybe because I was so young? Or perhaps it was because I was only allowed to have dolls, and not allowed to like other things…”

“…”

“…Anyway, I introduced the doll to anyone I came across. I named it Philly, that way her name was close to mine. But people didn’t seem to think of Philly as anything special. When I talked to them with a proud heart, they didn’t get amused or even faked their interest. I didn’t realise it at the time…”

“…What are you trying to say?”

“…I was sad that no one else thought she was pretty except me. No one else loved her as much as I did. Why didn’t anyone else think she was precious? It was devastating… Even though I boasted about dressing her up, they never acknowledged her. Slowly, my perspective started to change and I questioned myself that maybe she was indeed really ugly. Maybe I just liked weird things. Maybe I was wrong. I struggled with such thoughts till one day, Philly appeared shabby to me too…”

“…”

The process of losing her confidence was excruciating. Lil remembered her younger self starting to run around anxiously in her round-toed shoes. It was only now that she realised she hasn’t changed much since then.

“…And so, in the end, I threw her away…”

“…”

She felt so pathetic that she broke out in tears. Feeling stuffy inside, she wanted to grab her chest, but her body still couldn’t move.

“You have no idea how heartbreaking it was. But as I spent every day regretting it, in my mind I’m throwing Philly away over and over again.”

She ran out of breath as she knew she had a decision to make.

‘With everything that’s going on, how can I ever run away once we reach Serlio? I simply can’t leave my anxious crew behind. I can’t turn a blind eye to the sailors who defended me and endured Julio’s violence, even though their fears reached its peak due to the naval inspection. It will be terribly irresponsible of me… If I don’t want to go, Cesar will listen to me. But can I even muster up the courage to tell Cesar that? Going back to Panichi will put us in a very dangerous situation… But whereas I have a sense of responsibility and attachment as a Captain, for Cesar, it will be like returning to a living hell…

How should I tell him this? Once I tell him that he’s ‘going back alone’, I state more than just a simple will. It’s me revealing the kind of life I’m choosing. A life that I’ll never give up for him…’

Lil didn’t want to tell Cesar that. To be more specific, Lil didn’t want Cesar to come back with her to Panichi. But regardless of whether she wanted to go back alone or not, Cesar would follow Lil the moment she mentioned ‘Panichi’ anyway…

“…Then shall I begin to cut off his leg?..”

She heard the all too familiar hallucination from somewhere.

“…Oh. Or will it be more convenient if I cut off your tongue so you will not be able to speak in the first place?..”

The god of death’s voice was mixed with laughter. 

Lil wasn’t surprised to see Mortu in Ed’s cabin. The grim reaper, who received her grave gaze, slit her mouth while smirking. Her mouth was ripped open from ear to ear. As her chin fell open onto her chest, Mortu’s silent sneer became thicker. With his black mockery drawing closer, Lil looked around. It was incredibly dark even when this cabin used to be a place of brightness despite the lack of a lamp, and such darkness made Mortu’s appearance even clearer.

‘I think I now know why I fell asleep here so peacefully. There was no Mortu. There was no God of Death in the cabin where Ed was… Perhaps… because it was too bright.’

At that time, the shadowless God of Death did not dare to hold out his scythe. But after that day Mortu was like a bat that flew into every crevice its owner had disappeared to. 

Lil looked straight at her uninvited guest.

‘It’s amazing that I finally thought of looking at a face I didn’t even know where it was attached to.’ 

There was no specific appearance for the hideous monster that lived in fantasies. The black shape Lil saw in mythology books when she was a child was only the start of her abstractions. Later, when her maddening mind created a shadowy stain, she became more and more terrified of it. And the more frightened she became, the more terrifyingly clear the shadow became. Lil’s fear and despair were the chisels and hammers that carved Mortu.

The voice of the god of death penetrated her head.

“…Did I not tell you? Among the things I brought to the other guest, were sometimes bones and flesh that did not belong to you… But, in the end, he still accepted them…”

‘I know… Now… I know…’

“…Then, should you not make sure this will not happen again?..”

‘Okay, it won’t.’

“…Pretending to like it without actually liking it… That is no fun, my dear regular customer…”

The darkness opened its arms temptingly and made room for Lil. Usually, she slipped under his arm and hid. But no matter how well she thought she was hidden away, Cesar consistently found her and held out his hand. When that happened, Lil had no choice but to repay her saviour with the weight of her own heart, moulded from only the best pieces of flesh. And of course, Mortu was there to help them with exchanging their rewards. It was so painful, but no matter how hard she tried, she simply couldn’t give him the same thing. She only hoped that the meaningless mass of flesh could be made into an illusion and be accepted.

However, now it was clear to her that Cesar had been locked up with her all along, crawling and rolling on the floor of the same cold castle. She couldn’t make his days, chased by the darkness, fearful and painful at the sight of flowing blood, carry on into the future.

Lil wasn’t ‘pretending to like it but not actually liking it’. Even though she had never thought of taking his flesh for granted or that she could ever turn a blind eye to Cesar’s sacrifice, she still felt sorry for realising it too late.

‘If you’re as sick as I am, then how much pain have you been enduring? No human is born for the sake of others. No matter how much Cesar tries to go with me, he’s not supposed to. I can’t allow it any longer. Of course, I also…’

Without saying a word, Mortu opened his arms wider. 

‘How long have I been in that hellish nest? …For far too long, I’ve been searching for some peace and quiet in a place I shouldn’t. Did I really believe that the darkness, which is infinite in volume and depth, would excrete a peaceful ending…’