CH 153

Headnote: warning for slight gore.

“Can people even clearly define love?”

“The fact that you think love is complex and difficult proves how ignorant you truly are. The only reason why you find it difficult is because you don’t know what it is. Because you have constantly been imitating someone else’s way of showing it…”

“I’m getting there. It’s just that I’m slower than you and end up out of breath when I try to keep up with your pace… but you know I’ve followed you, right?”

Cesar laughed in vain. Again and again, he let out empty breaths. Cesar looked up at the ceiling, over Lil’s shoulder, down at the floor, and eventually matched her gaze.

“You’re not merely slow.”

“Then what…”

“If you were ever to become jealous, I would reassuringly tell you how much I love you. I would want to relieve your anxiety and make you feel at ease. I would say I’m sorry and understand how hard it may have been for you, even though you probably looked a little cute. For me, those things come naturally to mind. But did they come to you too?”

“…”

“The whole time I have been anxious, you dismissed my concerns thinking I was being overly sensitive. You said I was acting strange and that I was just taking my irritations out on you.”

“…”

“Did you, even once, think about relieving my anxiety?”

Lil shut her eyes. 

‘Whereas I’m still clumsy, Cesar already holds all the answers…’

She felt an unbearable sense of shame at her own slowness and lack of understanding. She felt so sorry that she couldn’t give Cesar what he wanted and what was even more heart-breaking was she could now only give him a belated apology.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know I had to…”

“When I asked you if you loved him, what answer did you think I wanted?”

Lil really wanted to answer this time. She wanted to reassure Cesar by giving the obvious response, but her mind remained blank…

‘What on earth should I say or do…’

Seeing Lil hesitating, Cesar started to shout.

“That you love me! That the man you love is me!”

“..!”

The moment she heard those words, she felt terrible. Guilt instantly engulfed her when she met his face distorted by unbearable disappointment. 

‘Why didn’t I know? I’ve said a lot of things over the years, so why didn’t this confession cross my mind?’

“And even if you didn’t, wasn’t there something else you could have said instead? Did you really have to tell me he was someone you liked to talk to over and over again? My question didn’t require such a strong and lengthy denial, but I never wanted to hear anything like that! Why should I know the lengths of how much you care about him even if you don’t call it love? Why would I want to hear how much you admire him, what draws you to him, and the qualities he has that I clearly don’t?! All of that! I never wanted to know that!”

“I was just trying to explain… I said it wrong, I’m sorry.”

“You only needed to say one line.”

“I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…”

“Why do you still not know?! It’s been years!”

As Lil shrank due to Cesar’s momentum, her eyes fell on the dark realm beyond him. She instantly sensed the black shadow wriggling in the corner of the cabin. It told her that at any moment, Mortu could emerge and wield his scythe. 

Lil spoke pleadingly.

“You know me, Cesar. You know I’m clumsy and ignorant at this, but you can teach me.”

“It’s not about being taught.”

“Then what?”

“Even I… no one ever taught me.”

“Then how do I know what I am supposed to do?”

“I didn’t know love before I met you. But I didn’t have to learn anything.”

“…”

“Do you know what it means that you still don’t know?”

“…”

Lil shut her mouth tight. She knew it. What Cesar was talking about, she understood it. A piercing realisation stirred her heart and stomach.

“Whenever I realise that you’re still like this… it saddens me, terribly.”

“…”

“How much more miserable do you need to make me before you’re satisfied? Did I ever ask something from you? No matter how much I loved you and wanted you to feel the same way, did you even think I would force you to commit to me if you said no? Am I worth only that much in that mysterious mind of yours?”

“Cesar. You know that’s not…”

“When I first held you in my arms and kissed you, you said you loved me! But why do I worry every day that I appear to you as some kind of monster?”

“…”

“Shouldn’t I have believed you in the first place?”

“I’ve never thought that. You’ve done nothing wrong. The problem is with me…”

“Then why can’t I feel that you love me? Whenever you said you love me, whenever you kissed me, you may have been thinking to yourself that it was love…”

“…”

“Actually, I never liked it. What I want is for us to be happy together. I certainly don’t want to enjoy this relationship alone… I stopped asking about your feelings because you always seemed to be struggling. I had no choice but to believe you. Who else on the planet wished to believe that as much as I did? That’s how I lived, holding on to that belief. But in the meantime I was worried that a day like today might come. A day where I would realise how bad things have been for you…”

“…”

“Still, I held out hope and kept quiet. Knowing you would try too hard otherwise… That’s why I had you promise me one thing. To choose me. I thought that if I did that, things would be different and I could stop feeling so disgusted with myself. I thought that if you really loved me, you shouldn’t be able to say no, right?”

Cesar, who had been spewing out words nonstop, finally caught his breath. He started to cough as though he was having an upset stomach. Lil felt more and more sorry for him. It was unbearable for her to see the helpless side of this man who has always been upright and neat. She pitied Cesar as he was lost in his agony and struggled to pull himself together.

After a while, Cesar, who had his face buried in his hands, suddenly raised his head. The navigator’s face looked as thin as a corpse. What was even more disturbing was seeing his clean shirt stained with blood. Confused by her sudden hallucinations, Lil looked around her. As soon as she did, Mortu disappeared from the corner. Startled, she looked around her some more in a hurry. But she could only find her own shadow falling over the desk. Her eyes quickly scanned the rest of the cabin before they reached Cesar…

An inaudible scream came out. 

The God of Death was standing right behind him. Black smoke tightened around Cesar’s neck. Mortu’s giant scythe dug through his chest, cutting out Cesar’s heart. Flesh splattered and blood spurted. Then, a living, beating heart was pushed out toward Lil.

“Ah… N, No…”

While accepting the bloody lump, her hand slipped and the heart fell with a squeaky sound. Lil lowered her gaze. Pulsating hearts were scattered all around her feet and grotesque bloodstains dyed the floor red. So far, Lil thought she had only been looking at a pile of hearts, but it seemed now that Cesar’s flesh and blood were added to it. Seeing the skin getting torn off, Lil was made aware of the pain. It was a pain so intense it made the torn flesh spasm till it had no more blood to spurt and no more life left. Only then was the last beat finally let out…

‘…I can’t even fathom how painful it must have been… I never thought he’s been in this much pain. All this time, he’s been bleeding and agony has been digging into his flesh. How could I not have noticed? I’ve been so focused on taking care of my own wounds that I failed to see his… I never knew that loving me would be so painful for Cesar…’

– Bam! Bam! … Bam! Bam! – 

“…Captain, Captain! Are you there? It’s urgent!..”

Lil, who escaped from her hallucination, reflexively shouted.

“Wait a sec!”

In the meantime, Cesar had taken a seat on his bed. He rubbed his face and wiped away the traces of his tears. His reddish face never looked her way.

“Go ahead.”

“No. I’ll send him away if it’s nothing.”

“…”

As if the flow of their conversation had already been cut off, Cesar didn’t answer. Lil walked up to him and stretched out her hand, but Cesar snatched away the hand that was about to land on his shoulder. After briefly thinking about it, he got up and led her to the door. Lil, who had been agonising about what to say, turned to Cesar while her hand was placed on the doorknob.

“…I’ll stay here. You’re having a hard time right now.”

“You don’t have to. You don’t have to be so caring.”

“…You are important to me.”

“I’ve already spoken my mind. What’s the use of telling me this, now that this conversation is over?”

“I hurt you… I’m sorry. My thoughts were too tactless, I’m always lacking, and it’s been hard for you. I feel so pathetic, frustrated, and hate myself for hurting you… Seeing you break down like that… it makes me go crazy…”

Cesar didn’t accept Lil’s apology, instead, he muttered as if to brush off any remaining resentment.

“…It seems as if this one single mistake of mine has let you define my whole being, but how many times have his faults been forgiven?..”

“That’s not…”

Clearly exhausted, Cesar sighed and grabbed the doorknob. As soon as he opened the door, he pushed Lil’s back. 

The sailor who was waiting in front of them shouted straight away.

“Captain! We spotted Legardon’s sail!”