CH 152

Lil was rendered speechless.

‘Why is everyone talking about love? It was already absurd when Ed inquired about love. But now that Cesar is talking about it too, it feels even stranger. Their reactions even appear as if they’re in some kind of competition. I got a similar impression from Ed before…’

Memories of something Ed had said floated into Lil’s mind.

{ “…His retaliation is pretty quick. But, of course… You’ve been here all night, so there’s no way he’d stay still…” }

‘It’s like they’re fighting over me… Anyone who hears this will think there’s some kind of love triangle going on. But… does that mean Ed knew who had his oils?’

The almost extinguished flames of Lil’s suspicion were being revived again.

‘When Ed was caught, I had briefly doubted the message. However, at that time, I was so sure that Cesar had nothing to do with it…’

Lil suddenly realised she found another clue.

‘Lured by the oil… How many men on this ship know how the Navy’s oils work? Ed must’ve kept it disguised in one of his cabinets and in his position as a doctor everyone who might have seen it would immediately assume it was just another bottle used for medical purposes. Then how was it found? Was it by chance? In any case, the person who took it from Ed succeeded in luring the pigeon exactly to Ed’s cabin. The fact that the pigeon stuck to Ed and not to the person who applied the fragrance means that Ed was indeed the bird’s intended destination… If so, Cesar must’ve been the manipulator…’

Lil identified Cesar’s motives relatively quickly. 

Jealousy.

‘So it was jealousy?’

Lil gasped, finding it absurd and surprising.

‘I acted the way I did because I was afraid Cesar would misinterpret my defence of Ed as siding with another man. That was why I was unable to prevent his execution. I was afraid he would think that I wanted to overrule the sentence out of self-interest. Even back then I already took his jealousy into consideration. I could understand his shock to see his lover, whom he had been looking for all night, with another man… However, the nature of jealousy as a motive is a different one than I expected. Was it really for that reason… For that reason alone?’

“Cesar.”

“…”

There was an indescribable disdain attached to her voice. 

‘I never thought Cesar was someone who could kill others out of mere jealousy.’

“Were you jealous of Ed?”

“…”

Cesar stood there without denying it and only stared at Lil resentfully. With the confirmation she received from his silence, Lil collapsed. Her staggering body eventually found support when it slumped against the chair.

“So it’s true? How…”

“…”

“…How can you stay so calm about this?”

Lil grabbed the chair and let out a scream.

“Are you crazy? How could you!”

“Stop it. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I haven’t affirmed anything, have I?”

“…”

However, Lil’s thoughts were already becoming a reality in her mind. Those same thoughts had always been overshadowed by the firm belief that this could never be possible. The image of Cesar manipulating the message filled her head with a mix of different emotions. Aside from his affection, Lil had always admired Cesar’s morality. 

‘His integrity, altruism, sincerity, and tenderness were the foundations of his life. Cesar is one of a kind. A person with a just personality, so I never thought that he could be such a slanderer. Because of that, I never suspected that the message could be fake in the first place… I even felt sorry for doubting the message inevitably… 

Back then, everything was so unrealistic that I wondered if it was all part of some play… Courant… Cesar… I couldn’t fathom the extent of the fear and jealousy they felt. Apparently to them, it was enough of a reason for Ed to die… But he isn’t someone who can be erased by such a meaningless death… There was only one man like him in this whole world, really, there was only one… That admirable spirit… it shouldn’t have disappeared so quickly… It should’ve walked this earth for a very long time…’

Lil couldn’t believe it. 

‘Was that precious life of his worth only this much? A life that was insignificant enough to be taken away from him just because of the combination of childish anger, sour emotions, and poor judgement?’

“It’s clear that the doctor was dangerous. Don’t try to deny it. The fact that a crewmember communicated with the Navy without the Captain’s knowledge is sufficient reason for his isolation. We don’t even know who sent him, right? In addition, we don’t know if there were any special motives for him being here, but as in most cases, there’s no need to go above and beyond to get to the truth. Don’t let this confuse you. Whatever the reason behind the message, you only have to focus on the fact that it happened. There’s no need to investigate his circumstances.”

“But he never stopped insisting on his innocence. He tried to call for me and reach out to me so that he could prove his innocence. Why do you think that is?”

“It’s nothing but love.”

Cesar stood his ground. It felt like a warning for her not to lie anymore. Irritation and confinement exploded in an instant, and Lil shouted.

“It’s not love! Please! Stop this ridiculous misunderstanding!”

“Before you get so fed up, don’t you feel any compassion for me who had no choice but to show such ugly emotions? Do you have any idea what kind of self-loathing I’ve been suffering from and how long I’ve been tormented by it? Rather than contempt me, why don’t you comfort me when you’re the one responsible for making me feel this way?”

“I’m sorry if I misunderstood you! But I really…”

“You think it will all be okay if you say you’re sorry?”

“What are you talking about?”

Cesar approached her. Confused, Lil wanted to take a step back, but her back soon hit the desk. Due to the impact, the scattered paper crumpled with a crisp sound. Cesar, who was now close enough to touch her body, cupped Lil’s face. Although she twisted her body momentarily, she couldn’t get out.

“I’m the only one who can hold you and kiss you.”

“..!”

As if to prove that he meant what he said, his thumb pressed her lips. Lil belatedly tried to turn her head away. 

‘…No, don’t force me to do this!…’

However, her cry only reached the top of her throat. Cesar was unwaveringly stubborn. With the hand that covered almost half of her face, he made sure that Lil would face him straight.

“So why am I jealous of someone who has never seen you like this… or has he?”

“..!”

At some point, the red eyes that had been burning like flames turned wet. Clear tears welled up against the bloodshot white background. Startled, Lil stopped the hand that she had stretched out to shake him off. But despite seeing such a shocked Lil, Cesar didn’t back down.

“Do you know that when you’re surprised, you unintendedly avert your gaze? You always try to hide it, but do you really think I wouldn’t be aware of all the times you are too stunned to speak? Can you truly apologise for all these things you’re desperately trying to hide?”

“…”

Even though his breathing became faster and faster, Cesar never attempted to control his breath. Lil grew uncomfortable by the sight she saw for the first time, the rising sadness pushed away the tension that had been in the air and suddenly, it poured down disastrously. A man named Cesar was on the verge of bursting into tears.

“What the hell am I to you? Why do you neglect me like this? Sometimes you don’t even seem to care what happens to me. Is that really true?”

“Cesar, no… ugh, don’t cry… please don’t be like this. You’re wrong.”

“…”

It was unknown who moved first. Lil, who placed her other hand on Cesar’s shoulder, or Cesar who removed the hand holding Lil’s face. Cesar, torn down by Lil, buried his head on her shoulder. But even though she began to feel wetness on her shirt near the nape of her neck, Lil merely stood there, unable to hug him or push him away. Instead, she used this moment to prepare her explanation.

“Ed… He had a unique understanding of the world. That was new and I sometimes wonder about that kind of perspective. I found it all fascinating. Talking to him was like reading a book that I liked for a second time. How can such a simple motive of mine be love?”

“Why can’t it be love?”

“Because…”

‘Does love easily bloom like that? Then why is my heart still so quiet? Even after so many years…”

Lil closed her mouth. She couldn’t answer because she didn’t know. 

‘I only know love as this complicated and grandiose thing…’

Unable to explain the concept that she didn’t even understand properly, Lil bit her lip.

Cesar slipped out of her arms as he pushed Lil away.

“You really don’t know anything…”