CH 17

That evening, Annette woke up.

Her body was as heavy as wet cotton. A sharp pain came from her stomach. Annette let out a faint moan and curled up her body slightly.

A black figure appeared at the edge of her half-blurred vision. She blinked her furrowed eyes several times. Slowly it came into focus. It was Heiner.

Heiner looked down at her as if he had seen a ghost. It was so unlike him that Annette mistook it for a dream for a moment.

Heiner called a doctor as soon as he saw that she had regained consciousness. The doctor arrived shortly after and diagnosed her condition.

He said the gunshot wound was not very deep. It was a diagnosis that was nothing compared to the pain that she had felt so horribly. Annette wondered for a moment, but was soon convinced.

Arnold said she was hypersensitive. He said she was sensitive to even the slightest discomfort. Judging from his words, she guessed that she must be hypersensitive this time, too.

After giving some precautions regarding the gunshot wound, the doctor hesitated for a moment and then told Annette that she would be bleeding for the next three to four days. Annette thought it was menstruation.

Normally her menstruation was very irregular. Sometimes it would skip months at a time. She assumed that was the case again.

But the doctor said it was because she had a miscarriage.

Annette could not believe what she heard.

Don’t be surprised, as the byproducts left in your womb should come out later.

If the bleeding continues, surgery will have to be performed. The uterus may contract and cause pain in the abdomen…………..

The doctor’s voice was half disconnected. A blue vein appeared on the back of Annette’s hand as she clutched the bedding.

The doctor looked very sorry and informed her that it would be difficult for her to conceive in the future. By then Annette was half lost.

“Well then, you should get some rest.”

The doctor bowed politely and left the room. Annette sat in a daze, not having a mind to greet the doctor.

She involuntarily put her hand on her stomach. She could feel the bandages wrapped tightly under the hospital gown.

‘Pregnant—? When? How?’

She hadn’t been feeling particularly well lately, but she just assumed it was stress, never dreaming it was pregnancy.

A strange chill came over her. Annette’s shoulders shook lightly. It was a child she had never even known existed, and yet there was a great sense of loss in her stomach.

It was a child whom she would never get to meet, whom she desperately wanted.

“…I kept your miscarriage a secret from the outside world.”

Heiner opened his mouth quietly.

“I will handle all matters concerning the incident myself, so don’t worry about that part.”

Annette slowly turned her head to look at him. His words sounded very strange.

‘He’s going to handle it?’

There was no way that Heiner would handle things in her favor. He normally would let her fend for herself when the reporters bothered her. He was fed up with newspaper stories.

“The perpetrator was apprehended at the scene. We are investigating what his purpose was and whether he had accomplices.”

“…”

“…Currently, the use of firearms is restricted in public and you were pregnant with a child, so attempted murder charges will be strictly applied and punished……….”

“…the child…”

Her voice cracked loudly. Annette didn’t care and kept talking.

“How old was the child?”

Heiner stared at her stomach for  a moment, then quickly raised his gaze.

“It was 11 weeks.”

This roughly coincided with when her menstruation had ceased. Annette closed her eyes for a long time before opening them again. Her mind was fuzzy.

“Annette, the child is……”

Heiner added heavily with slight hesitation.

“There are ways to adopt a child if you want…..”

“Adopt?”

Muttering softly, Annette looked up at him. Heiner’s face was, as usual, hard to tell his intentions.

“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”

“So, if you want to raise a child.”

“No, I don’t want it. I’m rather glad it happened like this.”

At that, Heiner’s brow furrowed slightly. Annette said, lowering the hand on her stomach.

“It was a child who should never have been born.”

“What do you mean?”

“It would have been unhappy if it was born. Because it would have to live in a home without love and with a mother with all kinds of labels. I took a lot of medication during my pregnancy, and I don’t know if it would turn out all right…”

“I thought you wanted a child.”

“Not anymore. And you didn’t want it. Aren’t you glad it happened this way?”

Annette sincerely thought so. There was not a single reason why Heiner would want a child, and there were too many reasons not to want one to count.

But Heiner shook his head defensively. The way he looked was like someone who had been attacked unexpectedly.

“What in the world… Why do you think that?”

“Then, did you ever want to have a child with me? No, you didn’t.”

“Annette, I just…”

Heiner moved his lips with a look of not knowing what to say.

“I just …… never thought about having children. The doctors said it’s difficult for you to conceive….and there’s no news in four years.”

“Whatever your true feelings, it’s good for you, Heiner.”

Annette’s mouth lifted slightly.

“It’s not a good political idea, is it, to have a child with me?”

Superficial issues notwithstanding, it was clear that Heiner was lucky. With a child born to a woman he hated. There was no way he could love it.

The miscarriage was a blessing in many ways.

For Heiner, for the child that was never born, and for the people out there.

“But you.”

Heiner’s speech broke off. His low, resonant voice was tightly closed. He let out a slightly shaky breath and then sighed.

“You wanted a child, didn’t you?”

“….What about it?”

“Why is it different now? Knowing that I betrayed you? Not much has changed between us then and now anyway.”

Heiner’s eyes were dark and sunken. He looked like a giant shadow as he sat in his chair with his head half bowed.

“What does this have to do with you, whether I want it or not?”

“Annette, I am not trying to argue about superiority.”

“Then what exactly is it that you want to discuss?”

“Just because you have wanted it in the past – that you could consider adoption.”

“I don’t want it anymore!”

Annette’s voice rose. She spat the words out, half out of reason.

“I don’t want it anymore. I don’t need a child. I’m glad I didn’t have one! Why do you insist on it…!”

The last words sounded almost like a scream. Annette’s lips trembled violently. The atmosphere became precarious like cracked glass.

Heiner sat in shock, stiff as a frightened animal. A heavy silence descended. In the silence, only Annette’s breath fluctuated unsteadily.

For a while neither of them said anything. After a moment of silence, Annette turned her head away from him.

“Please leave. I want to be alone.”

Heiner stared at her without reply. The ticking of the clock chilled the room. Annette’s fingers, laid over the sheet, shook slightly.

Eventually he quietly stood up. His footsteps became distant as he walked away. The door opened and then closed again.

Annette turned onto her side. The cold air pressed down on her whole body. Nothing seemed real, even though she opened her eyes in a sane spirit.

Perhaps, belatedly, the pregnancy was selfish greed. If she really thought about the child, she should never bring it into the world.

The world that the child would be born into would be infinitely cold and cruel. Because it was her child, because it was of the Rosenberg bloodline.

Perhaps it would hate his mother while growing up. She was used to being hated, but for the child, how would it feel?

Annette curled her body tightly. Her body began to tremble despite the thick covers. A chill that seemed to come from inside her stomach was excruciatingly painful.

“You wanted a child, didn’t you?”

Did she want a child?

Yes, she wanted it.

Whether it was because of loneliness, desperation, or some other selfish reasons, she herself did not know. Whatever the reason, she wanted it.

She had lost a child she had wanted so much, but strangely enough, there were no tears. She did not feel guilty that she had failed to protect her child, nor did her heart ache so much that it broke.

She just felt very cold.

It was cold as if there was a big hole in her body.

***

While in the hospital, Annette underwent various additional tests. She also conducted psychological counseling at the semi-forced recommendation of the doctor and Heiner.

They seemed to be concerned about the impact of the miscarriage on her, but Annette thought the counseling was unnecessary.

She herself wasn’t too shocked. She was just a little dazed.

“How are you feeling today?”

“Not too bad.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, I slept well.”

“That’s good. Who did you talk to yesterday?”

“The doctor, the nurse, and my husband…………”

“May I ask what you and your husband talked about?”

“I don’t remember much.”

“I heard that you had a little fight the other day about the adoption issue.”

“It wasn’t a fight, I was just — sensitive.”

“It was just a difference of opinion. Why don’t you want to adopt?”

Annette stared at her hands resting on her thighs for a moment. Her lips slowly moved.

“I’m ……”

There were many reasons. Because she was not confident that she could love her child completely. She felt sorry for the child who would grow up in such a home.

Because it was obvious that people would whisper that she used the child to keep her husband from divorcing her. And adoption itself was pointless anyway.

“I’ve just had a miscarriage and ……. To think of a new child again so soon…it’s too much.”

“Ah, yes. I can fully understand how you feel.”

Annette lied repeatedly in counseling. She would tell the truth, in effect, only superficially about her wellbeing, and even invented responses when deep feelings were involved.

Basically, Annette did not believe in the confidentiality of the counseling sessions. If she made even the slightest mistake in her reply, she expected to be in the gossip tomorrow morning.

And even if it wasn’t for that, the entire session would be reported to Heiner.

The counselor was satisfied with her answer and did not question her further. Annette closed her eyes, feeling tired from the light conversation alone. A familiar darkness surged over her vision.

She just wanted to be alone.