CH 51.1

The door of the mediation room opened wide thanks to Shu Ning's push. At that moment, Fu Zheng finally saw Ning Wan standing outside the door.

"Ning Wan?"

Suppressing complex emotions, Ning Wan withdrew her gaze and looked elsewhere. Thankfully Shu Ning's voice broke through her embarrassment right then as she turned back and said--

"Lawyer Ning, I-- I would like to talk to you..."

Was it her daughter's words that had finally woken her? Although Shu Ning's bearing made it obvious that she was still struggling, for the first time she showed a willingness to communicate.

No matter how weak and cowardly a person might be, a mother was strong. Shu Ning could take being treated violently by Yu Feiyuan, but she could no longer turn a blind eye to the trauma her daughter had suffered. "I... may have been running away and numbing myself all along, and it might have been the wrong thing to do..."

Shu Ning wiped away her tears. "What you said was right, Lawyer Ning. It really was I who was letting my daughter down. It was my own weakness, yet I was using my daughter as a reason not to divorce. But maybe divorce is what's best for her in the end…"

……

Once Shu Ning's stance had softened, things became much easier. Fu Zheng borrowed the mediation room from the police, and they all sat down and had a frank, open heart to heart. Ning Wan held no grudges against Shu Ning for having lodged a complaint, but instead told Shu Ning in careful, meticulous detail about what she and Fu Zheng had previously investigated from her company and university.

"Because so much time has gone by nothing can be proven, but with all these facts in front of you, I think you can figure it out for yourself without me explaining anything."

Looking at Shu Ning, Ning Wan took a deep breath and gathered up her courage. "I come from a violent home. Except for being uneducated, my father was no different from Yu Feiyuan. I've tried to downplay these memories and not think about them, but I am aware that there remains a scar inside my heart. I don't want Shuyin to repeat the life I lived, and neither do I want you to have to live like this. Shu Ning, you deserve so much better."

Ning Wan had never been willing to admit this experience out loud to anyone else. But this time she had finally decided to look her unhappy past square in the eye--

"I can tell you truly that there is no changing domestic violence. Just like Yu Feiyuan, my father would always apologize afterward, but there would always be a second time, a third time... there was no end to it. I can tell you through firsthand experience that domestic violence happens only zero or countless times..."

There left no doubt that for Ning Wan, recalling her past was like ripping open old wounds. However, she gritted her teeth and continue speaking about it. Perhaps as far as Shu Ning was concerned, only by showing her true empathy could one gain her trust and prove that one had no conflict of interest in this case. If showing her old wounds would make Shu Ning accept her and take on legal services, that what she had done would have been worthwhile.

"My mother kept trying to get a divorce, but she always got cold feet right at the last moment. She never divorced my father, even up until today. Over the years, I've actually developed resentment against her in my heart. 'Why is she like this?' I wondered."

Ning Wan took a deep breath, lowering her eyes and clenching her fist. "Can she not live without that piece of garbage called my father? I know it isn't easy for my mother, but now that I'm grown up and able to live by myself, I can take care of her, so why doesn't she get a divorce? Does she think that she's a saint who can save him? Or is she masochistic, believing that beating is kissing and scolding is love? At first, I felt sorry for her, but to tell you the truth, as time went by my sympathy began mixing with disapproval and anger. I could never understand why my mother never got divorced. I even quarreled with her over it and said some words I regret..."

"So frankly speaking, there was absolutely nothing wrong with you lodging a complaint against me. I did indeed bring my personal feelings into your case. Because I hoped that you wouldn't get stuck in a bad marriage like my mother, I unconsciously projected my feelings onto you, and when I learned that you were not going to go through with the divorce, I vented the anger against my mother that I had been repressing onto you." Ning Wan bit her lip and apologized solemnly to Shu Ning. "I deeply apologize for having said such terrible things to you."

Shu Ning was touched. "I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry as well. Honestly, I knew inside that you had my best interests at heart, but I was spineless and unable to break free from a vicious cycle..."

"I know that when others look at my situation and see how I'm being beaten constantly, yet not only do I not divorce but even defend him, they feel that there are reasons why pitiful people are pitiful1. They feel that I have a PhD yet am willing to live a life of domestic abuse, so serves me right; I did this to myself; I'm the stupid one. Not many people sympathize with me. Instead, they feel like I've let down womankind since I would rather be beaten than to live on my own through getting a divorce."

Shu Ning's eyes were red-rimmed. "I know that you may not get this explanation, but I do somewhat understand why your mother hadn't been able to get a divorce."

"In the eyes of others, getting a divorce should be straightforward, but those of us who have lived being abused and brainwashed for a long time have no way of being defiant. We are numb to it, we have become accustomed to this lifestyle. As time goes by, we even begin feeling like how we are right now is good, because any changes only ensure even more violence. We are afraid to ask for a divorce, for fear that we will be beaten even harder if we dare to mention it."

Ning Wan had thought that as a witness of domestic violence, she should have been able to understand what the victim was thinking. But at that moment she realized that even an eyewitness might not be able to truly feel the victim's feelings.

Lowering her head, Shu Ning wiped away her tears. "The more I was beaten, the more I was scolded, the less I myself existed as a person. Once I even felt like I was the one in the wrong for having gone out to look for a job. I know it sounds stupid. Why should I have to blame myself for being beaten? But if I wasn't the one at fault, then how was I to explain why my once wonderful lover had become like this? Because I loved him, I couldn't accept that reality. Because I wanted to save my marriage and my love, I kept enduring."

"I convinced myself that he loved me, and since he showed his love and repentance every time he hit me, I couldn't get a divorce. I... I don't know how to describe it. I felt as though something was wrong with my head. Obviously I'm the one who was being beaten, yet I still had feelings for the person who hit me. I defended him, I couldn't make up my mind to divorce him... I know you may not believe it..."

"I believe it," interjected Fu Zheng, who had been quiet up until now. He glanced at Ning Wan before looking at Shu Ning. "Stockholm syndrome, simply put, is a coping mechanism for a victim where in the face of extreme fear and potential harm, the victim becomes dependent on the perpetrator. Just like in your situation, in which Yu Feiyuan was beating you yet you were unable to hit back. You were also married, so to some extent your safety was in his hands, and on top of that he was manipulating and brainwashing you. As time goes by while you remain in this traumatic situation, you begin to feel grateful for the days when Yu Feiyuan is caring and attentive instead of abusive. You feel indebted to him, reliant on him, and since he's your family you begin defending him to any outsiders, unable to voluntarily leave him."

"The theory of Stockholm Syndrome holds that 'people can be domesticated'. Just like taking a heavy mental blow can make someone crack under pressure, emotional manipulation can destroy a person's mental freedom, to the point in which they lose track of who they are."

He paused. "So this is indeed a mental illness, one that the victims themselves sometimes don't even realize. A victim of domestic abuse might not want a divorce simply because they are ill. But no matter what, you are the victim here. You didn't do anything wrong. It is the person who abused you who is in the wrong."

"When handling domestic abuse, what people often don't realize is that the victims need psychological treatment afterward. Domestic violence is a good environment for breeding emotional abuse, such that victims are often not only physically hurt, but mentally as well. It's just that while often people are able to understand depression, they aren't able to put themselves in the shoes of 'patients' like you."

Fu Zheng's voice was calm, and there was no judgment in his eyes. Very kindly, very gently, he offered, "Ning Wan has a friend who is a psychiatrist. If you wouldn't mind doing so, you could make an appointment with him. But always remember that you are not the one in the wrong. The others aren't you. They haven't suffered what you've suffered. No one is qualified to judge you, and no one is qualified to accuse you."

"You convinced yourself to forgive Yu Feiyuan's domestic abuse for your own survival. But domestic abuse cannot be forgiven, because this is how hundreds of thousands of talented women just like you are eking out their lives."

If Shu Ning had originally been in tears because of Shuyin, now after hearing these words her grievances, anxiety and confusion finally burst her banks. Hardly able to control her emotions, she wept until she choked.

Ever since Yu Feiyuan had become violent, Shu Ning's self-confidence and sense of self had been reduced to the very lowest. After having been repeatedly beaten and cut off from all her previous relationships, she dared not ask for help. Once she had secretly put up a post on the Internet asking for help, but when the netizens learned that she had not sought a divorce, their kind words of comfort turned into satire and abuse--

"No wonder you have to be beaten, if you're still not considering getting divorced even after getting beaten up!"

"The reason why scum men have a market is because of bitches like you..."

"My turn. I'm just a high school student, yet I know that you can't marry a man who'll hit you. How on earth did OP get a PhD? Is her brain filled with paste?"

"Alright, alright, stop persuading her, everyone. Next time we see OP, it'll probably be in the news after she's been killed by her scumbag of a husband. Let's all kindly send her off, shall we?"

……

This was the first time someone had told her that she was not wrong, that she was just sick; that she was not stupid, not cheap, that she hadn't deserved all of this, that she had just been hurt. That no one else was qualified to judge her, that it had never been her fault in the first place. That she deserved to be redeemed, and that her redemption was still possible.

With tears in her eyes, she bowed deeply and sincerely to Fu Zheng. "Thank you, Lawyer Fu. Really, thank you."

"Thank you to you too, Lawyer Ning," she choked out through sobs. "I was fortunate to have met you!"

Oftentimes, people only see the physical trauma of domestic violence victims, ignoring their inner scars. Shu Ning hadn't thought that she could meet such two lawyers - Ning Wan who hadn't given up on her and insisted on helping her even after she had lodged a complaint; and Fu Zheng who was doing his best to help her by being understanding and tolerant as no one else had been to her before, allowing Shu Ning to emerge from her remorse and regret to forgive and accept herself.

After that long conversation, Shu Ning had finally steeled herself. Her thinking became clear and she had at long last made up her mind to obtain a divorce, but...

"It's all my fault. I didn't listen to Lawyer Ning and haven't managed to collect any evidence. I don't know how we'll prove that he was violent during the court case."

Such results were common in domestic violence cases because the party in question hadn't given much weight to safeguarding any evidence, but it wasn't the end of the world. Ning Wan explained logically, "Even without any proof, you can still get a divorce. It will just drag on for longer. I suggest that you first take your daughter and leave..."

But before she could finish, Shiyin, who had snuggled up quietly to Shu Ning, opened her mouth. "Mom, I have proof."