Chapter 240 Not Anymore

A little unease gnawed at Elle's inside as she looked at him. At her husband who was half-sitting there on top of his desk with his back facing her. The window was open and the rain had started falling.

Contrary to what she had been thinking in the car, Sebastian did not look disheveled. At least in what she was seeing at the moment. He was impeccably dressed as always and his hair was combed nicely. The sight of him looking seemingly better than she had been expecting should have made her feel relieved. But no matter how she wanted to feel that, something else was unspooling so powerfully in her stomach.

Sebastian did not turn to look at her. He did not stride towards her to hold her. Nor did he say or do anything to acknowledge her.

Instead, he blew out a puff of smoke, seemingly nonchalantly. The smell of his cigarette filled the room. It had been long since she last saw him smoke.

Lately, he seemed to have stopped smoking. She had not smelt any signs of cigarettes on him, his room and study included.

The silence between them was heavy. Unbearable. She could not remember if she had ever felt like this before with him but right now, she felt that it must be the first time.

The silence between them was never this unbearable before.

Elle clenched her fists, trying to gather her composure. She must at least say something to get the ball rolling. She needed to know what... was going on.

So she called his name out oh so softly. "Sebastian..."

Sebastian barely stopped himself from completely ruining his composed façade. He had prepared himself for this. And yet... just hearing her voice calling his name almost made his body stiffen.

His chest felt so tight. So unbearably tight.

When he felt her enter the room... When he picked up her scent. When he heard her heartbeats and at last, that voice that he had been dying to listen to... he felt like the sun had finally risen. The golden illuminating light was back in his world again. And despite all his preparations and firm decision, he barely managed to stop himself from turning around, grabbing her and holding her close to him. All he wanted was to feel her body pressed against his. He longed for her so very much. In fact, he was dying to look at her and itching to hold her in his arms again.

But he could not. He must not anymore.

Izabelle. His Izabelle. His light. His woman. His wife. He does not deserve her anymore.

He always knew that Izabelle was too good for a monster like him. A man like him does not deserve someone like her. But he had wanted her so much he had forced that reality out of his mind and heart. Now just look at what he did.

He had hurt her. Nearly killed her with his own two hands. No matter what anyone else would say. No matter how much he tried to justify it, no one could ever change the fact that he had hurt her. He nearly killed his own wife. He had laid his hands on the woman he had vowed to protect and would have given the whole world to. Even if he was not in his right mind... even if someone, even she herself, would call it an accident, none of that mattered in the end.

The result was still the same. He had nearly killed her with his very own hands. And he would never forgive himself for it.

All he wanted was to protect her. All he wanted was for her to never get hurt. To never bleed and get bruised. But he knew now that his wish was not possible.

He had known this before. When he had first met her that night. When she literally offered herself to him with that marriage, he knew she would only get hurt in the end. And not just emotionally. Sebastian had known that she could get hurt physically too. Just for the reason that she was married to him. He knew that his enemies would target her, and possibly use her against him, especially with Elijah. But at that time, he had told himself nothing would happen to her because he did not care much about her.

That was true. His enemies would not have cared about her at all had he... had he not gone crazy for her. Had he not...

But he f*cking did and he thought he could do anything and everything to protect her. And it was maddening how he ended up being the very one who did it - who hurt her with his own hands. How... just how did he not manage to stop himself and realize that it was her? How could he not have snapped out of that nightmare before he struck her? How?

The darkness in his mind smirked at him and said, 'because you're a monster'.

Right. He always knew he was. He had deluded himself that he could even be... normal or at least decent enough for her and that they could perhaps live a close to a normal life. It seems that was too delusional of him.

He was terrified that this would happen again. If he would not let her go now, she would only get hurt. And worse was that... she might...

Utter fear felt like iron chains wrapping around and squeezing his heart and neck. Because he knew it was not impossible. As far as he remembered, he had never... ever... managed to keep anyone he held dear safe. He had never even managed to... save a single one of them. And he was always, one way or another... the cause of their demise.

If he does not let go of her now, he would definitely... lose her too.

Steeling himself, his cold, unfeeling voice echoed out. "I've signed our divorce papers, Princess Izabelle."

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A/N: I didn't have the heart to post these chapters and make you sad on christmas day so I waited a bit to publish them.

I know these chapters are sad but I still wish you all happy holidays.

~Kazzen