Chapter 112

On that day, under those circumstances, it was just a brief hug.

But in Yang Lei’s memory many years later, it was the longest hug between him and Fang Yu. It seemed as long as a whole life, a whole lifetime.

Fang Yu’s hands covered in mud and blood held Yang Lei’s face. He forcefully stroked his cheeks, as if he would disappear as soon as he let go. Yang Lei’s fingers sunk into Fang Yu’s back. All of his senses sank into Fang Yu’s eyes. Yang Lei could not feel his own existence…

Thousands of words welled up his chest like a storm, but Yang Lei only heard himself shout one sentence: “…Are you crazy?!”

Yang Lei’s trembling voice scattered in the rain…

“Let’s go back home.”

Fang Yu hugged his shoulder tightly. Fang Yu spoke word by word…

For a long time afterwards, Yang Lei’s memory actually blocked out what they said and did at that moment. It was like a blank in his overwhelmed mind. Yang Lei knew that he remembered and remembered it clearly, but it was in the depths of his mind. It was placed in the deepest place, and only he could touch it.

They left that place, leaving the dangerous forest.

A signal bomb flew into the sky. The brilliant light burst before the people’s eyes.

The commotion on the ground, the rotation of the propeller, the urgency of the rescue team…

That day, there was a national television news broadcast about the disaster area. The rain fell quickly in the disaster area and the situation was severe, but fortunately, it did not cause a mudflow or large-scale mountain landslide. It bought time for emergency rescue, and the affected people were safely evacuated…

The helicopter landed slowly, wildly blowing the hair of the people on the ground.

The extremely loud noise was deafening in Yang Dahai’s ears, beating his heart violently.

The crowd waited anxiously. When they finally saw the two figures, they broke into cheers…

The medical staff rushed forward. Commissar Lu and the soldiers also rushed forward.

Yang Dahai’s footsteps were unsteady, staggering forward…

When Yang Lei woke up, what he saw was the snow-white ceiling of the hospital, and the smell of disinfectant was in his nose.

He was dazed for a moment. Realizing where he was, he suddenly sat up.

“Woke up? Hey, be careful. You still have an IV!” The young nurse hurried over to adjust the drip.

Yang Lei looked around anxiously. This was a single room.

“Where is he?” Yang Lei asked directly.

“Who?” The young nurse didn’t understand.

“The person who was saved with me! Where is he?!” Yang Lei was practically roaring, making the young nurse freeze in fright.

After Yang Lei let off the signal bomb in Fang Yu’s search and rescue bag, the helicopter that had been circling nearby immediately found their location and dropped a ladder to take them out of danger. The winch lifted and lowered the hoist, bringing them into the cabin. Rescuers and medical staff surrounded them.

Yang Lei was next to Fang Yu, his fingers tightly interlocked with Fang Yu’s.

Yang Lei fell asleep. He hadn’t slept for several days and nights already. When he leaned against Fang Yu’s chest and was held by Fang Yu, that sudden relaxed feeling of ease made him instantly fall into darkness. When he fell asleep, he was still tightly holding Fang Yu’s hand, not letting go.

He was afraid that once he opened his eyes, Fang Yu would disappear. He still had too many words to say, words that he must say but didn’t have a chance to finish…

Before the rescuers on the hoist landed, Fang Yu had made a promise to him. Fang Yu said, “Don’t say anything… When we get back alive, I’ll listen to you speak…”

“He was still sitting here looking at you during the day. I didn’t see him later. Maybe he left! …” The young nurse told the truth.

“Where did he go??”

“He just had some superficial wounds, nothing much. He probably went back. He seemed to have returned to the hotel across the street, probably to get his luggage…” The young nurse was also guessing.

Yang Lei pulled out his needle and abruptly jumped out of the bed.

“Hey, hey, you! …”

Amidst the young nurse’s surprised shouts, Yang Lei put on his military uniform and rushed out of the hospital room.

—You said that you would wait for me! You said that when we came back alive, you would listen to what I wanted to say!!

…Fang Yu!!

Yang Lei rushed to the corridor and ran into Yang Dahai, who was about to come in.

“Xiao Lei…” Yang Dahai shouted this. Meeting Yang Lei’s eyes, he was silent.

Yang Lei didn’t say anything. He only looked at him.

After that look, Yang Lei ran away without looking back, rushing down the stairs.

Yang Dahai did not stop him. He stood in place, watching Yang Lei’s disappearing back.

When Yang Lei looked at him, Yang Dahai knew that he had lost this son…

The cell phone in his pocket was ringing. Yang Lei ran all the way as he picked it up.

“Yang Lei! Are you alright? You…” Fang Mei’s voice was anxious and worried.

“Fang Mei.”

Yang Lei interrupted her.

“I’m sorry.”

“…” Fang Mei sensed something.

Yang Lei ran. He felt deeply apologetic, guilty, yet resolute towards Fang Mei on the other end of the phone…

“I can’t do what I promised you. I’m sorry…”

Yang Lei ran. It was like there was only running left in his life. He rushed out of the front doors of the hospital. People were stunned to see a young officer running quickly, dashing through the streets under the neon lights. He ran to the hotel across the street and threw himself before the front desk. He asked for the room number, and without waiting for the elevator, he ran up the stairs…

In the deserted corridor upstairs, someone stood in the doorway of the room, just about to close the door.

A force that rushed up behind him suddenly hugged him in his arms.

“…” Fang Yu froze.

“Is it that as long as I’m alive, you can abandon me?”

Fang Yu didn’t move. He stood very straight. The door closed behind them, shutting out the outside world.

“Then I should have died in that place.”

“…Don’t talk nonsense!”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

The pained roar burst out of Yang Lei’s chest. There was even blood in his voice, tearing his own heart, and tearing Fang Yu’s heart…

Seven years. Their seven years. Seven years that they could never get back.

Yang Lei’s fingers were tightly locked onto Fang Yu’s clothes, almost tearing into Fang Yu’s body. His voice was not his own. Even his breathing was greatly distressed.

His heart was mercilessly cut piece by piece with a knife, his abdomen was cut open, and his heart was cut out. It hurt so much that he drowned in the water and suffocated, and he couldn’t breathe even if he had opened his mouth! He wanted to take a knife and stab himself, let the blood drain and empty out his internal organs, scrape his bones, and enter the marrow. In the end, there was only a shell left. This shell was empty, and nothing was left. There was only the pain deep in the spinal cord, and even the soul was ripped out!

“…Do you not know what I want? …Do you not know?? …”

Fang Yu listened to Yang Lei’s broken voice behind him. Fang Yu tightly held Yang Lei’s fingers that he had tightly interlocked before his chest…

“…Are you stupid? …How are you this fucking stupid?! …”

His broken voice choked and disappeared in his throat. Yang Lei suddenly buried his face deep into Fang Yu’s back. Fang Yu felt the sudden trembling behind him and heard a man’s unrestrained cries burst forth…

He ruined Fang Yu. He personally ruined the person he loved the most in his life.

He ruined him. When he was in high spirits at the military camp, he was suffering through long cold nights in prison. When he was watching the fireworks in the sky and resenting him on Millennial Night, he was in the darkest prison, and he could only see the cold power grid and high walls…

He had a goal and a career, but his goal and career were exchanged for every day that Fang Yu spent in prison.

Yet he even thought that he was the person suffering the most in the world. He had pushed him away and shouted, “We can’t go back anymore! ….Don’t make me look down on you! …”

“…I was stupid. I was the stupidest fool in the world!!”

If he really believed him, then he wouldn’t have given up after reading the letter. If only over those three years he had asked just where Fang Yu was, how he was doing. If on that Lunar New Year’s Eve when he saw Fang Yu completely alone in the room, he had really cared about why, then he wouldn’t have waited until today to understand everything! …

If only. But there were no ifs in life.

He was the one who had never really believed these feelings. He was the one who personally destroyed the person he claimed to love.

“…” Fang Yu’s heart tightened as though it had been pricked.

He wanted to turn around, but Yang Lei was pressed close to him. His back was soaked, soaking Fang Yu’s stinging heart. Fang Yu lowered his head and saw Yang Lei’s arm. On it were rows of scars. Those were neat cuts that could only be made by oneself using a knife. Outside of the prison, Yang Lei used a knife like that, cutting his own arm again and again…

Fang Yu stared hard at those scars…

“…It was my fault! …I ruined you!! …”

Yang Lei cried loudly…

“Bullshit!!”

Fang Yu abruptly turned around and grabbed Yang Lei, his eyes bloodshot.

“Your fault?? …I killed someone with a gun. During a crackdown, I could have been executed by being shot! But I was only sentenced for six years and my sentence was even reduced. Why? Because of you!”

“Don’t say seven years. Even if it was seventeen years or twenty-seven years, I would deserve it. I broke the law, so I had to pay the price! Even if I were to go back and do it again, I would still get revenge for Jiu Ge. If I hadn’t been shot to death like Wang Laohu, I would have been sentenced to stay in prison for a lifetime! But instead, I was only imprisoned for seven years. I still have my life. Was it ruined?? …Was it?? …”

Fang Yu stared at Yang Lei with bloodshot eyes. He grabbed his face with force and looked at his red eyes.

“If there was fault, I only did one wrong thing.”

The only thing that he regretted, it was the only thing that he did wrong.

“…At that time… how could I let you go?! …”

When he saw Yang Lei, completely drunk and crying painfully in his arms, when he saw the helmet in the mudslide, when he used fingers to dig down into the deeply buried mud like he was crazy, he knew that he was wrong back then. He was really in the wrong.

At that time, when he wrote the letter, he thought that it was worth it. He told himself that it was right to let go.

However, when he saw Yang Lei, who had suffered for three years, when he thought that he was going to lose Yang Lei in the mountains, he realized that he was wrong.

There were always detours in life. One could only really know how to love after experiencing its value.

Both he and Yang Lei took a detour, going farther and farther away, but they finally realized that this was a mistake. If they could do it again, he hoped that the heavens could give him one chance, just one. He would seize it and never let go.

But could the heavens give him this chance again? Could they??

“In prison, it’s not hard. I had longing. No matter how much time I spent in prison, when I thought about you, my heart was bright.”

When he saw the pictures that Yang Lei mailed for the first time, Yang Lei was wearing a handsome military academy uniform in the picture, and that was the first time he smiled in prison. He felt that there was hope in his life, and he felt that all of the hardships were worth it.

“You ruined me? …Without you, would I still have light?!”

…