Chapter 85

Fang Mei knew three years ago.

Three years ago, when Fang Mei returned to the country to visit family, that was when Yang Lei was in the most pain. Although Fang Mei buried these feelings in her heart, Yang Lei was after all the person she had deeply loved. Fang Mei accompanied Yang Lei, and she had thought about using her own feelings to warm him again. Yang Lei didn’t want to trouble someone who was so sincere to him again. He told Fang Mei the truth.

When Fang Mei knew that the person in his heart Yang Lei had spoken of in the past was actually Fang Yu, Fang Mei was shocked.

“…Are you a comrade?”

At that time, the word “comrade” already referred specifically to a fixed group of people.

“I’m not. I only have feelings for him!”

Yang Lei had never had such thoughts about men other than Fang Yu. To be honest, in the four years at the military academy, a place where men were concentrated, Yang Lei had met more than one man who gave him hints. There were also many outstanding and handsome people among them, but Yang Lei never felt anything. He also didn’t understand why he only had feelings for Fang Yu.

Fang Mei understood.

She remembered, in the courtyard of the small building, Yang Lei’s sad look after he and Fang Yu nearly fought. She remembered that night under the wisteria flower rack, how Yang Lei said to her in distress, “I like them… like them so much… that I don’t know what to do!” She remembered that when the three of them chatted together, Yang Lei was always absent-minded about her words. Yang Lei’s eyes were always following Fang Yu firmly…

Fang Mei finally understood. She thought that Yang Lei was saying “her,” but it turned out to be “him.”

Fang Mei had been abroad for many years, and she had seen love of all types. Although the truth shocked her, it was easier for her to understand than others. Yang Lei didn’t hide it from her. Fang Mei also knew about all the things in recent years. She watched Yang Lei get through these past few years, and she could only sigh silently in her heart.

“Later, did you look for him?” Fang Mei asked. Yang Lei shook his head.

“Your heart… still can’t let him go?”

Fang Mei thought that Yang Lei hadn’t dated until now because he still hadn’t gotten over it yet.

Hearing Fang Mei’s words, Yang Lei rotated his wine glass, smiling.

“Don’t worry. I don’t torment myself that much. I’m already in my twenties, and I’ve given myself a way to live. He must have his reasons for what he did. He told me this reason. I couldn’t accept it at that time, but after so many years, I seem to have understood. You were right. People always have to live in reality. He gave me an explanation, but I didn’t believe it at first. I had to see it for myself to believe it. Now that I think about it, I was really foolish.”

Yang Lei thought of that time. Yang Lei laughed at himself.

“Back then, I was too immature.”

To say that he had gotten over it was a lie. But Yang Lei right now was much calmer than he was a few years ago.

It is said that time will dilute everything. Although Yang Lei didn’t feel the panacea of time, the growth of age and rich experience made him learn to think and settle down. If the maturity of a man had to be earned at a price, Yang Lei had paid a price and gotten maturity in exchange.

Right now, he could understand Fang Yu’s choice. Everyone lives in reality. Fang Yu chose the path to let them both return to reality. From the beginning, he was the one to bring Fang Yu on this path. He had said that if Fang Yu still wanted to be with a woman in the future, he wouldn’t let Fang Yu leave. He would drag him under the water, even if both of them suffocated… But now, Yang Lei had grown up. He understood that no one could live in a vacuum. Sacrificing only out of wishful thinking and stubborn entanglement was not loving someone. It was only binding the other and imposing one’s needs on them. When people grow up, they have to face society and reality. Yang Lei didn’t blame Fang Yu. He understood that, no matter what kind of feelings they were, Fang Yu would consider things on his behalf. He was that kind of person. He let both of them return to the normal path, to walk an easy path. On this path, there were the future and prospects that Fang Yu had envisioned for him, there were the things that Fang Yu hoped to give him, and there was the life that Fang Yu himself wanted.

If this was Fang Yu’s choice, if he wanted a different life, if he could be happy that way, why couldn’t he think on Fang Yu’s behalf? What right did he have to force him to suffocate?

Yang Lei’s personality had really changed. He also realized his change. He even thought, if he and Fang Yu hadn’t met at that age, but right now, would they still make such a reckless and unhesitating investment in each other?

Three years ago, he was once obsessed with a “why.” When he was in the most pain, he thought about whether or not Fang Yu had ever liked him, whether or not that feeling was love, or if it was the “loyalty” that Fang Yu spoke of, or as Ding Wen said, “Some men can only accept this. He himself doesn’t even know. He only knows it when he meets a girl that he likes…” But right now, these past years after he had settled, Yang Lei was no longer troubled by this.

He once had it.

Yang Lei kept in mind what Fang Yu had sacrificed for him, and he would remember it for a lifetime.

Fang Mei asked him why he didn’t date again. Yang Lei thought that he was probably tired and couldn’t date.

“Do you still blame him now?” Fang Mei asked.

Yang Lei shook his head.

“I just have some things that I still don’t understand.”

During the four years that he was in the military academy, there were some things in Jianghai that Yang Lei still wasn’t clear about. He had asked some people from those years, but he couldn’t get anything more from his asking.

Perhaps in the future, a number of years later, when he happened to meet Fang Yu again, the two of them would be able to sit down and have a drink, talk, and calmly speak about the things of the past. Maybe at that time, when he asked Fang Yu again, he would understand.

Fang Mei thought that Yang Lei had really become much more mature. But this maturity also made Fang Mei’s heart ache deeply.

She still liked the former Yang Lei more. That impulsive and passionate boy who did things without considering the consequences but put his heart and soul into it, courageously going forward…

“You’ve really decided that you’re not going to date anymore?”

“Yes.”

“What about marriage?”

“Never thought about it.”

Fang Mei seemed to be confirming this answer. Fang Mei paused for a while, and Yang Lei looked at her.

“You came here today just to see me?”

Yang Lei thought that Fang Mei had something in mind.

“I came to ask you to please help me.”

Yang Mei rarely used such a tone. Yang Lei gave her an amused look.

“You know how to use the word please with me? Say it, what’s the matter?”

Fang Mei raised her eyes and looked at him.

“How about marrying me?”

Yang Lei nearly spewed out a mouthful of wine. Yang Lei looked at Fang Mei, stunned.

“Don’t get excited. We just have to pretend. After three months of marriage, we divorce,” Fang Mei said.

Fang Mei and Yang Lei were born in the same year. At the age of twenty-six or twenty-seven, men were fine, but the parents of women were anxious. Fang Mei was also the descendant of a general, the daughter of a wealthy family, and her family had fame and prestige. There were so many who came to ask for her hand in marriage that they would damage the doorstep, but Fang Mei was an extreme woman, with a strong personality and assertiveness. She wanted love and freedom, not marriage.

“I’m an advocate for remaining single. I’ve decided long ago that I don’t plan on marrying. Originally, there would be no use for anyone to force me, but you know why I came back this time. My father’s illness…”

Fang Mei stopped talking. Yang Lei also understood.

“He only has this final wish. I also don’t want to harm others. Even if it’s pretending, I can’t make irrelevant people the scapegoat.”

Fang Mei looked at Yang Lei.

“Even though it’s acting, we have to really get the license and hold the wedding. After three months, then we can secretly get the divorce certificate. You don’t have to keep acting. When we can’t hide it anymore, I’ll say that it didn’t work out between us. I know that your family is also urging you, and you don’t want to get married. If you’re willing, let’s just help each other. But this is not right, and I can’t harm my friend. You should think about it!”

Yang Lei hesitated for a moment and didn’t speak.

“Don’t worry about me. Right now, my feelings for you are long past. And don’t be afraid that I’ll cling to you! I’m not that stupid! If you’re willing, let’s sign an agreement then. If at that time, I cling to you and refuse to divorce, then we’ll proceed according to the terms in the agreement!”

Fang Mei smiled, and Yang Lei also smiled, but there was some helplessness in their smiles…

There must be some compromises in life. Not for yourself, but for the people who love you.

“I’ll help you,” Yang Lei said, after a long time.

“Great,” Fang Mei said. She smiled slightly, grateful and complicated…

After responding to Fang Mei, the two of them agreed that they would tell their family about it after some time. They would first pretend.

After seeing Fang Mei off, Yang Lei lay on the bed in the dorm with his arms behind his head.

Fang Mei spoke correctly. To the two of them who didn’t intend to get married, this was a way to avoid pressure from their family. Even if it was only temporary, even if they were apologetic to their family, Yang Lei had already thought about it. He wouldn’t marry again in this lifetime. He wouldn’t hurt innocent people.

His response to Fang Mei was not impulsive, and it wasn’t even just loyalty.

He owed Fang Mei. Although Fang Mei never thought so, Yang Lei knew.

However, Yang Lei had never thought that there would be a day when he would also get married.

Yang Lei looked at the ceiling, spacing out…

After some time, Yang Lei got a call from Fang Mei. She had already told her family. When Fang Mei’s family heard that it was Yang Lei, they were very happy.

When Yang Lei told Yang Dahai, Yang Dahai was even more overjoyed.

“It’s Fang Mei? Why didn’t you say it earlier?”

“Am I not telling you all right now?”

“Fang Mei is a good child, and we know her inside and out!” Yang Lei’s stepmother was also very happy.

In middle school, Yang Lei was very close to Fang Mei. Yang Dahai knew this and always felt that they had fallen in love at that time. He only thought that they were rekindling their relationship, and he didn’t doubt it.

“Good… good…!” Yang Dahai was really excited. That night, he took out wine to drink.

That day, Yang Lei left the house. He didn’t have a car and walked aimlessly on the streets. This was a road that he was familiar with walking, but a lot had changed in seven years. The former small shops had become a boutique street, and the former video arcade had long been demolished. Now, it was a mobile business hall.

Yang Lei walked onto a street. The former farmers’ market here had already become a big supermarket. The small businesses and shops along the street had all changed in appearance. There was a Kentucky Fried Chicken on the corner. There was only one long-established deli. After many years, it was still in the old place. The line of neighbors queuing to buy food was still so long…

There were two boys who looked like gangsters who walked past Yang Lei, laughing happily.

“Today is my birthday!”

“Really? Where do you want to go?”

“We’ll go wherever you say!”

“Then follow me to Turbulent Times!”

“Go!!”

“Haha!”

…

Yang Lei went up the steps and walked onto the terrace of the second floor. On the old wall, “demolish” was written in red pen and circled to catch the eye.

Yang Lei walked up to the eighth floor. He took out the key and opened the door.

The décor of the room remained the same as it looked in the early 1990s. Right now, when one went out, it was rare to see such furniture and layout. There was an old and bulky cassette recorder on the table, and there was a spring bed in the room.

Everything was still the same.

Yang Lei opened the window and lay on the bed.

He didn’t turn on the light. The darkness made it easy for people to think of the past.

Around 2002, there was a period of great development for Jianghai urban construction. The demolition of the old and the building of the new was happening everywhere, and the old city was being transformed. This region was also included in the area of transformation by the district government. It was said that the demolition would start at the end of the year.

In the future, this place would be a large shopping mall. This terrace, this eighth-floor house, and everything that had once happened in this house would all be pushed into a pile of rubble and buried forever.

Yang Lei hadn’t come for a long time. In the future, he would rarely come.

Yang Lei lay silently. The room was still the same as when they left seven years ago. The landlord would come to take a look and clean it once in a while. She was told to leave everything in their original place.

The door of the cabinet was open, and there was still a white dress shirt hanging inside.

Yang Lei pressed the recorder on the bedside table.

An old tape spun slowly in the darkness…

The dark black eyes and your smiling face,

No matter what, it’s hard to forget the change in your appearance.

The weightless old times slip away like this,

When I turn my head to look back, many years have already gone by…

The boundless roads to the end of the world are your wanderings,

Seeking and waiting are my footsteps.

Next to the dark, single pillow is your gentleness,

In the early morning upon waking up is my sorrow…