Chapter 45

Translator’s note: Warning for mentions of self-harm.

Ding Wen got into trouble.

Yang Lei received Ding Wen’s phone call in the office of Yan Ziyi’s construction company. Ding Wen only knew Yang Lei’s office phone number.

“Lei Ge…”

Ding Wen’s voice was very abnormal.

“What’s wrong?” Yang Lei felt that something was different.

“…I am… at the Gulou police station… Can you come pick me up?”

Ding Wen spoke with a lot of difficulty, asking with difficulty.

“I’ll be there immediately!”

Yang Lei picked up his coat and went out.

Ever since Fang Yu had gotten into trouble, Yang Lei hadn’t seen Ding Wen again.

Ding Wen had called him and had come to visit him many times. Yang Lei apologetically told Ding Wen that he recently had too many things going on, and Fang Yu had gotten injured. He had to take care of him, so he didn’t have much time to go to his place and play on the computer.

Ding Wen was very disappointed.

“I really don’t mean anything else. I really can’t make the time.” Yang Lei couldn’t bear to hurt Ding Wen.

“If you want to see me, come over anytime. I’ll always welcome you,” Yang Lei said.

But Ding Wen knew very well that Yang Lei wouldn’t go to his place every day like he had during that time. And he wouldn’t go again.

Ding Wen was very upset. This wasn’t his first time having his heart broken, but this was engraved in his bones and heart. He had really fallen in love with Yang Lei.

Ding Wen, who had been tormented by heartbreak, went to a small park near Gulou Square.

In those years, Gulou Square had an English corner. Starting from those days, learning and speaking English started to become popular. Every weekend, a group of people would gather at Gulou Square. The people who went there wouldn’t speak Chinese. They had to speak English, practice speaking with each other, and make friends.

At a small park not far from this English corner, inside the dark and quiet park, there was also a corner where a group of people was also gathered.

But only very few people knew about this corner’s existence. Only the people inside the circle would know.

That was a place where homosexuals found companions.

Ding Wen was a regular visitor there. When he didn’t have emotional ties, Ding Wen would go there and find similar people, and then take care of physiological needs. Of course, he also once hoped to find someone he really loved at that place, but before long, he found out that it was too difficult.

At that time, homosexuality was considered to be a kind of scary disease. There was no light to be seen at all. It couldn’t be made known at all. If it were made known, it was as if the sky had fallen down. So even if they were real homosexuals, very few of them publicized it. They would only desperately disguise themselves. There were very few people like Hua Mao.

In this kind of environment, only very few gay men would have a fixed and long-term lover. Most of them would just get to know each other, meet up, secretly book a hotel room, and after they came out, they wouldn’t acknowledge each other. They wouldn’t even know their real names.

In the circle at that time, this was called “fishing.”

That night, Ding Wen went to the park to fish. He needed excitement and went there to forget about Yang Lei.

Ding Wen was good-looking, and it was very easy to find a companion. Only a few minutes after he went to the park and sat on a secluded bench, a man sat beside him.

He was a thirty-eight- or thirty-nine-year-old middle-aged man, large and mature. Ding Wen glanced at him several times and didn’t stand up.

This represented agreement.

By convention, they should go to a small hotel on a secluded street and book a room. But that night, perhaps that middle-aged man was in too much of a hurry, or perhaps he wanted to experience the excitement of being outside. He brought Ding Wen into the deepest grasses of the park, and impatiently pushed Ding Wen down and pulled off his pants.

Ding Wen also hadn’t done it in a long time, and he was very excited. Wrapped up in emotions, the two of them started to do it in the grass.

That was a place that few people went, and it was in the middle of the night. There wouldn’t be half a human shadow for several hours. Originally, they wouldn’t have been discovered, but Ding Wen’s luck was really bad. This night, there just happened to be two policemen patrolling there. Originally, they wouldn’t walk to this place, but one of them wanted to pee and went into the grass. When he went over, he heard abnormal sounds at that place.

When they were illuminated by the policeman’s flashlight, that middle-aged man’s thick thing was thrusting into Ding Wen’s butt. The two of them couldn’t even hide. They were stunned. The most shameful parts of their privacy were all exposed under the flashlight’s strong light.

“Get out! Both of you get out!”

At first, the policeman didn’t see clearly. He thought that it was a boy and girl couple messing around here. When he saw two men come out trembling, the policeman was first shocked, and then started to laugh contemptuously and disdainfully.

“Faggots again!”

“Hurry and put on your pants! Come with us!”

That was how Ding Wen was brought into the police station. He was there for a night and suffered mental torment.

That middle-aged man and Ding Wen huddled in the corner, frightened and ashamed, and were surrounded by policemen in the station watching them.

“Do you know why we caught you?” The policeman asked Ding Wen cheerfully.

Ding Wen said nothing.

“Crime of hooliganism! Being a hooligan! You’re too shameless, doing that there. Hey, brothers, you didn’t see it. My goodness, that time…” The little police who had discovered the two of them exaggeratedly described the scene to the other policemen. The words he used were extremely explicit, so that the several men all let out disdainful and amused laughter. Hearing the ear-piercing laughter, Ding Wen lowered his head even more, and tears welled up in his eyes…

“Hey, who of you is the boy, and who is the girl?”

“Have you gotten checked up in the mental hospital?”

“Can you all do it with girls? Have you done it? …”

…

In the policemen’s eyes, these “faggots” were all objects of amusement. Every time they caught them, they would make fun of them like this. They thought that these people all had mental problems. They were all sick people, hooligans, immoral, and society’s defects. They were sick, but didn’t get treatment. They deserved to be a faggot their whole life!

Ding Wen kept squatting on the ground with his head lowered. No matter what the policemen said or laughed about, he didn’t react. It was only when the policeman said that when morning came, he would notify the department to pick people up, that Ding Wen reacted. He became panicked and said with a hoarse throat, I beg you, please don’t notify the department. I, I’ll pay money. I’m willing to pay any amount of money…

The police required a guarantor to come bail him out. In Ding Wen’s helplessness, he thought of Yang Lei.

Right now, he didn’t want to meet anyone. He just wanted to meet Yang Lei. That was the only light and warmth in his heart…

When Yang Lei went into the police station and brought Ding Wen away, Ding Wen kept his head lowered. He didn’t even raise his head. When Yang Lei was getting the forms filled out, while those policemen filled them out, they used their eyes to sweep over Yang Lei. Their gaze was strange, and they smiled faintly, the implication in their eyes very obvious.

When Ding Wen walked out of the police station, the little policeman behind them who had caught him jeered at him: “Faggot! Next time, don’t bare your ass again!”

With one sentence, all of the police in the room were laughing.

Ding Wen’s shoulders even trembled once. He lowered his head even more in pain.

Yang Lei was enraged. Faggot was a very insulting word.

“What are you saying? Keep your mouth cleaner!”

Yang Lei turned around and stared at that policeman.

“What? What are you being unreasonable about? He is a hooligan! I’ll catch one every time I see one!”

“Which law did he break? Say it out loud, the law! Which article, which sentence?!”

Yang Lei openly looked down on the policeman, pressing him with questions.

“…” The little policeman was tongue-tied. Although in those years, they all caught homosexuals like they were hooligans, there truly weren’t any related rules in the law, not even an article.

“Forget it, forget it. Yang Lei, forget it… Let’s go…” Ding Wen was even crying.

Yang Lei took Ding Wen all the way back to his residence.

That night, Ding Wen wailed out loud.

“…What did I do wrong?! I was born like this. Is this my fault?! …I didn’t kill anyone, didn’t steal, and didn’t rob! …I also don’t want to be like this! What can I do?! …Is this my fault?! …”

“…Lei Ge, did you know? …I really want to die. I’ve wanted to die many times… God made me like this. What can I do?”

Ding Wen pulled up his sleeves. On his arm were horrifying marks of self-harm.

“…I really hate myself. When I hate myself, I’ll cut myself once… I don’t want to find men anymore. I’m also a person. I also want to be respected!! …I can’t fucking stand it… I can’t stand it…”

Ding Wen hysterically vented and wailed. He said again and again, if there were a next life, he wouldn’t want to love men again. He would rather be a pig or a dog than be a homosexual…

Yang Lei witnessed all of this.

When he came back from Ding Wen’s place, Yang Lei’s heart was very heavy, as heavy as lead.

He had thought about the pressure that people who fell in love with the same sex in this era would face, but it had never been this concrete and subjective.

The impact that it had on Yang Lei was big.

He imagined that, if it were Fang Yu today, would he still be able to keep calm and helplessly watch Fang Yu’s life sink into this kind of morass?

But what did they do wrong? Just because they fell in love with someone? And whether that person was a man or woman, did it disturb other people? Did it disturb society? That was a love that just belonged to two people. Was that wrong?

Yang Lei’s dejectedness reached its limit. A man’s courage and strength told him, what is there to fear! If you’re a man, then don’t beat around the bush! Bravely say it aloud and tell him! But reason and reality were telling him that if he did this, it would hurt Fang Yu. It would drag him down into the abyss. He could not care about what his future would be like, but he couldn’t not care about Fang Yu. He didn’t want to ruin Fang Yu!

In this painful and conflicted mood, Yang Lei returned to the little building weighed down with worries. He went in the door. Fang Yu was just about to leave.

“Where are you going?” Yang Lei asked.

“Going to drink and play. You coming?”

Fang Yu had gone out to play until very late before returning for several nights already. Yang Lei even felt that Fang Yu wasn’t willing to stay in the little building.

“Going out again? Can’t you just stay here?”

Yang Lei’s tone was harsh.

Fang Yu glanced at Yang Lei.

“What’s the matter?” Fang Yu could tell that Yang Lei’s tone was off.

“Let’s go together!” Fang Yu was also a young person, and he loved playing.

“Not going! Is it interesting? It’s just singing, drinking, and the same things!”

“Then is it interesting here?” Fang Yu also couldn’t control his temper. “I also have nothing to do in the house!”

“Am I not here? Can’t you chat with me?” Yang Lei’s explosive temper flared again. Today, his mood was just too bad. He had to vent.

“Isn’t Fang Mei about to come? Don’t you want her to keep you company?”

Fang Yu didn’t even know why he would say this sentence.

Once Yang Lei heard this sentence, it was like he had been ignited. His entire person blew up.

“She keeps me company? Have you long been tired of me, and you want her to keep me company?”

Fang Yu stared at Yang Lei, and his expression darkened.

“Enough! Don’t get carried away, okay?”

“Isn’t that what you meant? If you’re annoyed with me, then you should have said so sooner!”

Yang Lei was filled with pent-up dejection, but facing Fang Yu, he couldn’t say it aloud. The more he couldn’t say it, the angrier he became, the more he was anxious to vent. Yet this kind of anger definitely couldn’t be directed at people not involved. On the contrary, towards the person one loved the most, it was the easiest to burst out.

“…”

Fang Yu stared at Yang Lei, enduring it. He pushed Yang Lei away and walked out the door.

Yang Lei grabbed hold of Fang Yu. Both of them were in a bad mood. Was Fang Yu’s mood these days good? If his mood were good, could he go out and play crazily every night? Being pushed and shoved around by Yang Lei like this, Fang Yu was also angry. Both of them were people with real moves. If they started, they could really fight. Fang Yu pushed Yang Lei away. Yang Lei was off balance, so his back slammed into the column of the wisteria column. When Yang Lei regained his balance, he was also angry. The most direct and effective method for men to vent their emotions was drinking and fists. Yang Lei went over and was about to grab Fang Yu. At this time, Fang Mei came in through the door. She was startled, and hurried over to hold Yang Lei back.

“What’s with you two! Why did you start fighting?”

“Go away! None of your business!” Yang Lei wanted to push Fang Mei away.

“Can’t you talk it out?” Fang Mei was startled. She hadn’t seen Yang Lei like this in a very long time. She tightly hugged Yang Lei’s arm.

Fang Yu glanced at Fang Mei’s hand that was hugging Yang Lei’s arm. He stared at Yang Lei, turned around, and went out the door.

“Fang Yu!”

Yang Lei screamed. He screamed painfully and miserably. He pushed Fang Mei away, slid down the flower rack, and slowly sat down.

“…What’s the matter?”

Fang Mei didn’t know what to do. She squatted by Yang Lei’s side.

Yang Lei looked at the ground. There seemed to be countless waves tossing in his heart, but his mind was in chaos, like a chaotic battlefield. Yang Lei grabbed his hair roughly.

Fang Mei grabbed Yang Lei’s hand and pulled his hand down.

“If you have anything on your mind, tell me,” Fang Mei said softly. She vaguely guessed that what was on Yang Lei’s mind was related to the girl he liked.

“I’m fine. Leave me alone for a while,” Yang Lei said quietly.

“I’ll stay with you.”

“You can leave.”

Yang Lei was really annoyed.

Fang Mei was silent. Yang Lei lifted his eyes and saw Fang Mei’s expression, and Yang Lei was also upset. He wasn’t intentionally treating Fang Mei like this, but he really couldn’t care about that right now.

“Say it aloud. You’ll feel better.” Fang Mei said, after a long time.

Perhaps Yang Lei also couldn’t bear it. He had pushed down the thing in his heart for too long.

“Fang Mei, you know that there’s someone in my heart,” Yang Lei said miserably.

“I really like them… Really like them so much that… I don’t even know what to do!”

“I’m afraid that if I say it aloud, it will hurt them. I’m also afraid that they won’t be able to accept it, and will stay far away from me! But I… also can’t control myself!”

“Am I a fucking… coward??”

Yang Lei spoke one sentence after another. He didn’t know if he was speaking to Fang Yu or to himself.

He sat dejectedly under the wisteria rack. He raised his head and, through the gaps between the flower racks, saw the black night sky. There wasn’t even a little starlight, just emptiness, like Yang Lei’s mood right now.

Fang Mei looked at Yang Lei’s side profile quietly next to him. She looked at Yang Lei’s handsome and melancholy face, his tightly knit brows. Fang Mei’s heart broke.

She listened to the person she loved talk about his love for another person, but other than listening, she could do nothing.

Fang Mei opened her arms and hugged Yang Lei. She pressed into Yang Lei’s chest and tightly hugged him.

“It’s fine. If they don’t want you, I want you,” Fang Mei said. She cried.

Yang Lei lowered his head and looked at Fang Mei. If the one he liked were Fang Mei, things would be so simple, but he just liked the person he shouldn’t like. But he didn’t regret it.

“I’m sorry…” Yang Lei said quietly.

“Yang Lei, kiss me again one last time… Treat it as… something you owe me…” Fang Mei said.

Yang Lei hesitated for a while. He didn’t move.

“…In a little while, I’ll return to England. Just treat it as giving me a memory,” Fang Mei said calmly.

Yang Lei slowly hugged Fang Mei.

He owed her, felt guilty towards her, and was thankful for her. He was thankful that at this time, she was willing to give him warmth and comfort…

Fang Mei raised her face to him. Yang Lei looked at her, hesitated, and finally lightly covered her lips.

It was a kiss unrelated to love. There was no entanglement, only touch and light overlap. Even though they seemed to be like all men and women who were in love, they knew that this was a farewell.

A tear slid down Fang Mei’s cheek…

Fang Yu stood at the entrance of the iron gates. What he saw was the man and woman hugging and kissing under the wisteria rack.

Just then, Fang Yu walked out to the corner and stopped. He hesitated for a moment, turned around, and walked back. He heard Yang Lei scream for him. Hearing that sound made his heart hurt.

He thought that he was too discomposed just now. Something had clearly happened to Yang Lei. He should ask Yang Lei what happened, why his mood was bad, and not incite him further.

Fang Yu wanted to go back and make up with Yang Lei. He wanted to take him out with him to clear his mind. When he stepped into the iron gates that hadn’t been closed, he saw this scene.

Fang Yu left. No one realized that he had returned.

Fang Yu went to Turbulent Times.

Here, the noisy music, chaotic crowd, intoxicating wine, all matched Fang Yu right now.

Fang Yu called Lao Liang out.

Fang Yu hadn’t come to Turbulent Times in a long time. The last time he came, it was Yang Lei’s birthday. Fang Yu played the guitar here, smiling as he wished Yang Lei happy birthday.

“Da Ge, what’s with you?”

No matter how inattentive Lao Liang was, he realized that Fang Yu was in a bad mood.

“Nothing.” Fang Yu held a wine glass, looking at the alcohol inside.

“The brothers haven’t had fun in a long time. Ming-zi got several point machines and opened a store in Wucun. In two days, everyone is going to support him.”

A point machine was a gambling machine at that time. It was very popular. Fang Yu was a gangster after all. Such things couldn’t be avoided.

“Okay! One sentence!” Lao Liang was also happy.

“I have to say, Da Ge, you should come out and have fun. See what you’ve become, staying at Yang Lei’s place. Isn’t it boring? You’ve become white.”

“Go away!”

“Really. I see that you’ve become so bland. What about tonight… let’s go find some girls?”

Lao Liang was straightforward. If there was something, he would say it. He felt that Fang Yu was in a bad mood recently and needed excitement.

“Take a break! Don’t mess around too much!”

Fang Yu had absolute authority before his subordinates. Whatever he said went. He spoke this sentence, and Lao Liang obediently listened and didn’t mention this sore spot. But seeing that there was something weighing on Fang Yu’s mind, Lao Liang couldn’t help but say:

“Da Ge, you really need a sweetheart.”

Fang Yu glanced at him.

“Really, date one. If you’re always alone, what’s the fun?” Lao Liang encouraged him.

“You know about the one before,” Fang Yu said.

“I know, but you can’t keep not dating, can you? Are you going to be a monk your whole life? Besides, what age is it now? It’s just dating. It’s not like you have to marry her. Do you have to take that much responsibility?”

Lao Liang really couldn’t understand Fang Yu’s opinion of not wanting to hinder girls and just not date. If it were like this, then were all of the gangdom’s men going to be monks?

“The girl last time, Lin Shanshan. I think she’s pretty good.”

The matter of Lin Shanshan wooing Fang Yu had spread among the Jianghai gangsters. Everyone thought that Fang Yu was dumb.

“I don’t have feelings for her.”

“Feelings can be fostered!”

Lao Liang studied Fang Yu’s expression.

“…Da Ge, do you have someone in your heart?”

According to Lao Liang’s experience, Fang Yu really seemed to be lovestruck.

“…”

Fang Yu was silent for a while.

“I don’t know,” Fang Yu said.

“Why don’t you know?” Lao Liang didn’t understand.

Fang Yu saw the scene of Yang Lei and Fang Mei hugging and kissing. He knew what he felt.

Such a feeling was abnormal, too abnormal.

However, Fang Yu knew that he had long been abnormal.

That was his brother. If his brother had a girlfriend, would he have this feeling?

Would he??

So that wasn’t his brother. Then who was he to him?

What did he want, what was he dejected about, what was he suppressing, and just why was he cooped up here drinking?

Fang Yu threw his head back and downed the wine in his glass.

Lao Liang suddenly nudged Fang Yu. Fang Yu turned around.