Chapter 12

But his mind was never on the video.

There was some turmoil in Yang Lei’s mind. For a moment, it was Hua Mao’s confession to Fang Yu just now, and then for another, it was Hua Mao pointing at him as he said to Fang Yu, “His thoughts towards you also aren’t straight!” …

Yang Lei himself also didn’t know what had happened. He stared at the silhouettes of fighting figures in the Hong Kong video, but his mind could never calm down.

Hua Mao’s action made him see for the first time, that between the same sex, other than brothers, friends, and enemies, there was something else.

In those years marked by a shortage of information, the sources through which people could obtain information were limited. Even if homosexuality did exist, it was still concealed. There were very few who were as obvious as Hua Mao. It was very difficult for Yang Lei to know and understand these things from more sources, so when he saw it with his own eyes, he was actually very shocked. He had a clear concept for the first time, that men could also come to love men.

In those years, they had just experienced the period of silence towards love and sex in the seventies and eighties. People’s thoughts and concepts were just expanding. Movies and television were all imitating foreign movies, half boldly and half awkwardly saying “I love you,” a sentence that most Chinese people still couldn’t say aloud. Furthermore, it was very popular, like every movie had to have this sentence to attract an audience. They all let the main character speak of and praise the word “love.” So Hua Mao was obviously also deeply affected by the trend. He confessed by saying, “I love you,” letting this word “love” nakedly appear before Yang Lei.

Yang Lei was perplexed.

Yang Lei was perplexed for a reason.

Yang Lei had dated several girlfriends. Moreover, he had slept with them.

But Yang Lei had never been very fond of “picking up girls.” While Li San, Chuan-zi, and others enthusiastically ran towards the high school entrance every day, waiting to flirt with pretty girls, Yang Lei thought that having a good fight was much better.

He also liked pretty girls, and he loved teasing them and seeing them giggle. When girls confessed to him, Yang Lei also felt very proud.

But he always felt that being with girls wasn’t very interesting. Girls were too troublesome. He didn’t like their cuteness, flirtatiousness, and pestering him to accompany them. He liked being with a group of brothers more, repaying kindness with kindness, and repaying enmity with enmity.

All of Yang Lei’s girlfriends were very pretty, and they were all quite easygoing. In bed, Yang Lei was also as outstanding as he was in fights, but afterward, Yang Lei always felt that this was just a procedure, as though it had nothing to do with feelings. He had never really invested himself into a relationship.

He also wanted to properly speak with his girlfriend, but nearly every girlfriend would later ask him, “Do you like me or not? Do you love me or not?”

Yang Lei would coax his girlfriend and say, “I like you, yeah, I love you.” Sometimes, he was tired of the question, and he wouldn’t speak.

In his heart, he thought it seemed like he really didn’t know how to be in love.

Li San once said this was because he was a player.

But when Yang Lei was with each of his girlfriends, he would never give other girls a second glance. Yet he also didn’t really look at his own girlfriend. Sometimes, Yang Lei felt that he had a problem.

When he watched porn, Yang Lei also wasn’t like Li San, Chuan-zi, and the others. After a few minutes, they couldn’t take it anymore, and they were so excited that they couldn’t help but run to the bathroom. Although Yang Lei was also aroused, that arousal was never very strong.

In comparison, Yang Lei appreciated and idolized men’s strength more.

He was always easily attracted by things with masculine beauty, such as the fit bodies of foreign male magazine models, with their powerful shoulders and arms, and the athletes in the stadium, with their fit figures revealed as they wiped off their sweat.

He appreciated and yearned for the friendship, brotherhood, and loyalty between men. This was what made his blood rush.

He still had some faint longing and desire during his adolescence, but at that time, Yang Lei was still too young, and he didn’t really understand.

In any case, Yang Lei desired that he also become that kind of fit, manly, and bold man, with strength and unyielding power.

He had a natural wildness and aggressiveness in his bones, and he used to think this was why he wasn’t very enthusiastic about sex between men and women. Men were supposed to do important things, not be overly caught up in love. His ambition wasn’t in that.

Yang Lei didn’t want to continue thinking. He needed to shift his attention. He turned off that boring Hong Kong movie and got out of bed to find the videotape. He wanted to change it to something exciting.

Porn could always be found in single men’s homes, and Fang Yu wasn’t an exception. His brothers would also bring porn over to share and watch freely. Yang Lei found a few tapes without cases or covers, and randomly took the one on the very top to watch.

He didn’t know that Hua Mao had given this to Fang Yu. Fang Yu hadn’t watched it all along.

Yang Lei put that videotape into the VCR.

The scene appeared; a man lay on the bed, only wearing a towel, waiting for the woman showering in the bathroom.

Yang Lei also waited indifferently, but a man came out of the bathroom.

Yang Lei thought it was the kind with several men and one woman, so he didn’t care, but the man who came out of the bathroom climbed onto the bed. The man on the bed rose to meet him, hugging him. The two people kissed mouth to mouth.

“…Fuck.”

Yang Lei was at a loss for words, never having thought that he would see such a scene. The camera moved closer. The two men kissed passionately like a man and a woman. Even the entangled tongues could be seen.

Yang Lei hurriedly pressed the pause button, and the television showed a blue screen. Yang Lei immediately turned around and glanced at Fang Yu.

Fang Yu didn’t wake up. He was sleeping very deeply.

Yang Lei held the remote control, feeling both stunned and shocked, with some inexplicable curiosity.

He thought that this night was really strange. He had even seen these acts between two men.

But men’s curiosity was strong, especially Yang Lei’s. This was his first time seeing two men truly kissing. He couldn’t think of what they were going to do next. What could two people of the same sex do?

His curiosity got the upper hand. Yang Lei couldn’t help but turn on the video again.

Yang Lei watched until the end. After he finished watching, Yang Lei went to the restroom, and then returned, turned off the television, and lay down.

He closed his eyes, but his mind was full of all sorts of images.

Yang Lei couldn’t sleep.

That night, he fell asleep with difficulty, and had a dream.

In his dream, there were two blurry people kissing. One was him, and the other was Fang Yu…

Yang Lei woke up with a start. He sat up, his entire body sweating.

Next to him, Fang Yu turned over, still sleeping.

Yang Lei turned around. In the darkness, he looked at Fang Yu’s face, his chest rising and falling nonstop.

He looked at Fang Yu’s beautiful face, his high nose bridge, and his slightly knit, handsome brows. His face was exactly the same as in the dream…

When he woke up the next day, Fang Yu realized that Yang Lei was sleeping in the small northern room.

“Didn’t you squeeze in with me last night?”

Fang Yu wondered.

“Yeah… it was too hot. I’m not squeezing in with you.” Yang Lei didn’t look directly at Fang Yu.

“Go home soon!” Fang Yu jokingly kicked Yang Lei and went to brush his teeth.

Yang Lei suddenly remembered something. He burst into Fang Yu’s bedroom, scrambling to stuff that video tape into the very bottom.