Chapter 538 Ominous Butterflies Fluttering

"I know it's a bit late to say this, but we didn't have to go along with this mission, Ren…I'm sure Mother would've come up with something else if you–"

He interrupted her with a shake of his head, "I have to do this. At least…I feel like I do. The entire reason I threw myself into Purgatory was so that I'd be strong enough–that exact reason changed; "Strong enough to handle myself" "Strong enough not to let anybody else die for me" "Strong enough to protect everybody" "Strong enough"...It's all for the same reason. Mastorn is always sitting at the back of my mind, reminding me that I'm still not strong enough."

"Ren, is this about what happened…?" Iris lingered her question quietly, knowing it was a sensitive topic.

"At the Althaus estate?"

"--"

"Don't worry," he put on a small smile, "I'd be pretty bad if I was still too big of a baby to even talk about it, right?"

It was easy to tell how fragile that smile he held was, that much was clear to the pale-skinned woman who'd been at his side for years now.

The moment she placed her lithe hand atop of his callused one, that smiling, reassuring mask he wore trembled as a distinct sadness placed itself in his solely visible eye.

"You don't have to act tough around me, Ren," she told him with a smile.

As she told him that, a single tear strolled down his cheek, "Truth?"

"Truth," she nodded.

"Honestly, it didn't even process what I was getting into before we left Old Treyna. I was mostly…excited," he told her, "...I had been waiting for this chance–"to get revenge" or…something like that. I honestly can't place how I feel–it's weird. Part of me is excited at the opportunity to strike back at Mastorn for that they've done to me, you, and everybody else. But, another part of me is scared."

"What're you scared of, Ren?" She asked, holding his hand with a warm tightness.

He stared at her for a moment, then looked towards the ceiling again with a small breath, "Loss. There's a lot I've lost already. It feels like what little I'm just trying to hold with thin fingers as it tries to slip away," he held one hand up, clenching it, "It always happens. No matter what I do–something is lost. Every time, Iris. I'd like to think after these past two years, something did change."

"It did, Ren. It's changed," she assured him, "You've changed."

His eye widened just slightly before relaxing again as he sat there, "I think I've told you about it a little, but when I was first summoned into this world, I was tricked, kidnapped, and sold off to Lord Althaus."

Iris nodded a bit, keeping hold of his hand as they sat on the bed of the inn, with the noises of the drunk occupants of the other rooms becoming dull.

He smiled just a bit, though it was of melancholic feelings of reminiscence, "I was pretty mad, honestly. But, I wasn't going to let that stop my second opportunity at life in another world. And, that opportunity came in the form of the first friend I made in this world–Meinhard. He taught me how to cook, read, write, and even a bit about magic."

"He sounds like he was a great person," she said with a slight smile.

"I wanted to make it up to him. If by some means, I could live up to being some awesome mage, I wanted to show him I could be somebody," he told her, "but, I never got that chance. That day, everybody there was killed. Slaughtered. I saw everything–that aftermath. It was all covered in blood."

Remembering that day, he held his own face as sweat exuded from his pores, breathing heavily as just talking about it reignited those dreadful memories like a wildfire of lamentation.

"Ren…" She gripped his hand tightly, leaning closer to comfort him.

"Iris, I don't want that to ever happen again. I don't want to be left alone because I was weak. Shaking. Quivering. Crying–just thinking about "what if I did that", or "what if I was this"--it feels like every move I make is watched, as if every action I take is judged by them, deeming if I am worthy of being the sole survivor. If my life was worth more than all of their combined."

"You feel like…by doing this mission, you're repaying that sacrifice?" Iris asked.

He sat there for a moment before slowly shaking his head, to her surprise, "Sorry, I meant to say that's how I used to feel. Honestly, it dragged me down throughout my time leading through Purgatory. But, eventually I learned…I just have to do what I think is best. I don't have to be a hero, and I don't have to be perfect, either. I can just be the best me that I think is possible."

Iris continued to hold onto his hand as they both looked down at their intertwined fingers with him holding a bit of a smile.

"I think you're the best "you" already," Iris assured him with a smile as her azure eyes glistened.

He scratched his cheek a bit and chuckled, "I'd say you're a bit biased, Iris."

"Hey," she pouted playfully.

He laughed again, "I'm kidding. Anyway, I don't think it's about striving to be what I think is the best "me" anymore…I think whatever path I take, or whichever action I take–that's the "best" me, isn't it? Just like you're the best "you", Iris," he raised their hands up with a smile, "I mean, you managed to entangle me, after all."

He stopped for a moment.

"At the end of the day, the best "me" is the one who is still moving forward, despite my shortcomings. That's what I believe. And…I'm still moving forward, aren't I?"

She ended up lightly punching him in his arm as her cheeks overcame with a velvet fluster, averting her gaze.

"...Don't scare me like that, Ren," she mumbled.

"Did I do something?" He scratched his cheek.

"Nothing…" She looked at him with a new smile, "You want to do this because you think it's best, right? For us, and for the Outlanders?"

"If I'm being honest…if we're going to spend the rest of our days in this world, I'd rather not always be on the run from Mastorn, ya' know? I want us to be able to relax someday, able to let the morning greet us without a single stressful thought in our minds…That'd be nice," he told her, looking up as he laid back, resting his head against the pillow.

She looked at him for a solid moment before suddenly giggling, covering her mouth as she earned an odd, confused look from him.

"Sorry…I just didn't expect such an adorable motivation from you," Iris wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes.

"Adorable?!" His cheeks went red as he repeated her.

After hearing her finish her laugh, he sighed out, laying against the bed as she did the same directly beside him.

"I'm going to sleep," he announced to her with his eyes closed.

There's also one other thing bothering me, something that old Sage told us before we left–something that this "Princess Getrude" informed her of: Belmon is lurking within Mastorn already. Just another thing to worry about…He thought.