CH 62

10. It’s the First Time for You and Me

“Yay, today’s menu is fancy, too! Oh, look at this. It’s my first time seeing fish meat this delicate. The savory smell from the sauce seems so delicious. Ok, Canaren, just one bite, Okay. Now let’s take a bite. Huh?”

“…I’m not really hungry.”

“Don’t you like fish too? Then how about we just eat this instead. It’s a clear vegetable soup.”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me and eat instead. Oh… it must be uncomfortable with me here, right? I’ll leave while you eat.”

Canaren rose from her chair and suddenly, her knees wobble like jelly. It would have been a dangerous situation if Roana hadn’t run and caught her in time. She would have hit her leg on the table.

“Thank you.”

“I’m so worried that I might just die. Do you know how many days it’s been? It’s been 5 days! I’ll be in big trouble. You’ve just recently recovered… and you almost fainted just now!”

“…I’m sorry. But, really… it’s just that I can’t eat right now. It’s not that I don’t want to eat… it’s just…”

Canaren bowed her head.

Roana was so depressed that she felt weak herself, but when she saw Canaren’s wrist being so weak like a dried up tree branch, she couldn’t let it go.

Canaren seemed to be losing vitality day by day. It didn’t seem to be caused by simply skipping meals. It was the same for the body that seemed to break when touched, but the blank eyes, which rarely returned to focus, were more serious.

Roana carefully seated the Canaren in a nearby chair. It was not that she had no idea why Canaren was like this. She didn’t want to do anything to make things worse for Canaren, but… what was happening was too much.

“What happened to you and our lord at the flower market?”

Canaren suddenly burst into tears at Roana’s gentle voice filled with anxiety. Canaren closed her eyes, which were getting hotter and out of control. Tears poured down in an instant.

Confused at her tears, Roana patted her shoulder.

“What the heck is going on?…No, I won’t push it.  If it’s something that is hard to talk about, you don’t have to say any more. I won’t be curious anymore.”

“Oh, no….”

“I’m sorry. I was all wrong. Don’t cry. I will not bring up a single word about our lord.”

Roana did anything she could to appease Canaren. She put words of apology on her lips, rubbed Canaren’s pathetically trembling shoulders over and over again, swearing harshly at Yulif. What she really wanted was to run into his office right away and ask, “What the hell did you do at the flower market? Why did Canaren start crying as soon as she heard something about you?”

“Roana…”

“Yes, Roana Orcard is here! Just say anything. Do you want me to rip off the lord’s head? Will you be okay then?”

Water drops formed again in Canaren’s eyes, who seemed to have barely calmed down. Her sadness towards the lord was this much? Roana quickly waved her hands.

“I’m joking, joking! I can’t even touch the lord’s hair with my skills. So please don’t cry!”

Canaren closed her eyes and nodded. Roana held out a cup of hot tea to Canaren.

Just holding the teacup in her hand seemed to help her calm her mind. Canaren took a deep breath and inhaled the steaming cup.

“…Roana, How long have you been working in Pionia?”

“Yes? Me? Uh… Hmm, it must have been around five years.”

5 years. It was never a short time. Canaren hesitated as she touched the teacup. But there seemed to be no one else she could ask besides Roana.

Her chest felt so tight. She felt that her heart would shatter into more fragments if she didn’t tell anyone about it. 

“I want to ask you something… and I would like you to answer honestly.”

“Sure. Absolutely. Don’t worry, just tell me.”

“I know it’s a strange question, but please don’t take it too seriously.”

“I swear. I will never do that.”

Facing Canaren’s unusually serious expression, Roana encouraged her to continue. Canaren watched the tea leaves sink to the bottom of the cup before opening her mouth again.

“The person Yulif loved… Do you know her?”

“What? Who loves who? Love?”

Canaren did warn Roana it would be a strange question and it was certainly an odd question.  Roana corrected her expression so as not to reveal her own thoughts. Keuk! Coughing, she looked at Canaren.

Canaren had a really serious expression on her face. She didn’t seem like the type of woman to try anything deceptive. Canaren wasn’t the kind of person to do that.

‘Is she really serious?’

“Sorry. It’s an unexpected question… Can you tell me a little bit more about it?”

The corners of Canaren’s eyes drooped slightly. How does one go into more detail here? There was nothing more to say as when she started to think of the person Yulif loved, her heart became even more dreary.

But Roana tilted her head as if she didn’t really understand what was being asked. Canaren mumbled grimly and reluctantly said,

“I heard that Yulif had someone that he once loved. It was said that she was from the same Hwira tribe as me.”

“…All right, I see. And?”

“He learned to talk in Hwira from that person… It’s said she looked like me.”

The more she spoke, the more wretched Canaren felt. This was because, while she parroted words that she had heard from Yulif, the image of Yulif standing affectionately with a woman that she didn’t even know kept popping up in her mind.

Maybe she shouldn’t have said that. It would have been better if her heart exploded and died. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Canaren wiped away the tears with the back of her hand and took a sip of tea. The hot liquid ran down her throat. She couldn’t tell if she was crying due to the hot tea or something else.

“To Yulif, I’m… I’m the replacement for that woman.”

“No! That’s not it!”

Roana jumped up and screamed. No matter how absurd it was, this was serious. She roamed around her table agitatedly, and drank the still-steaming tea in one breath before she sat back down.

Canaren was still dripping with tears like a fool.

“Where did you hear that? Who said such nonsense? What kind of crazy person is saying this nonsense?”

“…Yulif…”

“Yes? Who did?”

“It was Yulif.”

Roana didn’t know their lord was such a crazy guy. Haha. Seriously, what kind of madman could fabricate his own past for Canaren. It may be possible if one had about ten lives, and one’s liver was swollen and stuck out of the stomach and became about the size of a person.

Roana glared at the direction of Yulif’s office with a terrifying glint. But when Canaren saw Roana’s face, it looked as if the kind Roana had never done so.

“All right. What else did the lord say? He didn’t just say only that?”

“About Yulif… Please keep our conversation a secret. You can’t tell him that I said this.”

“Of course. You can trust me and tell me more.”

“…Marriage… ”

“What?”

“Marriage… He said, ‘Let’s get married.’”

Roana decided to correct her assessment of Yulif from a bastard to pond scum. Roana was not happy at all even though it was a phenomenal moment when all the secrets were released. It was the reason why Canaren couldn’t eat anything suddenly and was suffering now.

What the hell is her boss doing to Canaren?

“Miss Canaren.”

Roana grabbed Canaren’s shoulder with both hands. Canaren, still drenched in tears, opened her eyes wide. Because she hadn’t eaten for a few days, her cheeks look emaciated. Roana wanted to drag Yulif and show him what he had done.

‘Look at what the lord has done. What kind of madman, what kind of garbage he spewed… how can he say there’s another woman he loved while proposing to Canaren, and he said that Canaren resembles her. That’s a lie too!’

“I dare say this with both hands, feet, and even my neck.”

“Why does Roana keep talking about hanging her neck…? That’s scary. Don’t talk like that.”

“Our lord has never been in any kind of relationship.”

Canaren’s head tilted slowly up. Roana was angry because the person she was serving was so innocent. She was even more angry at Yulif, who was obviously trying to hide something from her, who had such innocence. So she couldn’t stand it and started revealing things.

“That crazy story…There is no other woman! Everything Canaren heard is a lie. The lord is lying! The other woman he loves? Yeah right, there’s no such thing.”

“A lie?”

“Yes it is! It’s the most ridiculous lie I’ve ever heard in real life.”

“Why is Yulif lying to me like that?”

“Well… I don’t know that either. It’s such a blatant lie. Would you like to go ask Derek too? As his lieutenant, he can tell you more clearly.”

Speaking of which. Let’s just go. She had to go get Derek. Roana huffed herself out of the room.

Canaren, who was instantly alone, was lost in thought. From Roana’s attitude, there were two possibilities. Either Roana doesn’t know about Yulif’s love, or he really lied.

If it was a lie…

‘Why would he lie like that?’

There was hardly any reason she could guess. Maybe Roana didn’t know much about Yulif. It could be difficult to know everything even if one has been a long-term subordinate.

Yulif was a very careful and quiet person, so it didn’t seem like he would be open about any of his personal relationships. Besides, the look he showed every time he talked about this other person. That could never be a lie.

Canaren concluded that Roana didn’t really know. However Derek’s testimony, which made her gasp, threw her into utter confusion.

*******

It was painful. Much more than he had expected.

Yulif was sitting in the office, holding his forehead. The image of Canaren’s pained expression did not disappear even when he opened or closed his eyes. The trembling of her hand holding her fresh blue hydrangea was also clearly depicted.

“…Why did I.”

‘Why do I only hurt you? Why do I make you so sad?’

He wanted to make her happy. It was difficult to not make her cry due to him. Why was it so difficult? Why is it so hard?

She must have cried a lot.

Yulif exhaled a deep longing sigh. Though he had exhaled tens or hundreds of times a day, the lump on his chest only grew heavier as time went on.

Then a knock was heard. He wanted to give Derek a harsh admonishment about making sure no one contacted him. It was a lecture that he was going to spit out immediately believing it would be Roana who wanted to come in.

“Yulif, it’s me. Can we talk?”

A voice that sounded like hallucinations for a moment belonged to Canaren. Barely coming to his senses, Yulif got up to open the door as if possessed and then stopped.

—Come on in. I’m sorry I hurt you. Actually, I’m… I’m. I’m glad we could get married. Canaren, I’ll make you happy.

The words that he truly wanted to say had to be swallowed and eventually sank deep into his heart as he wandered about for a moment not knowing what he should say.