Chapter 112 - Despondent

Jun Shan and his mother returned to their little courtyard and she tended to his wounds.

"Ow! It hurts..." 

"It rightly should! How could you go to Empress's palace?" 

Jun Shan pouted, "I wanted to see Xiao Kai...Since he didn't come here so I went there, he doesn't seem happy ther -..."

She frowned, "Even if he's not happy there, what can you do? You need to worry about yourself, what if you had gotten punished? You can't just barge into the Empress's palace as you like even if the Fourth prince is there...Also, his situation now is a bit..." She paused and sighed, "If he's not coming here anymore, then you should understand that there's a reason for it. He can't do as he likes anymore... You have to be more careful. If anything happens to you, how do you want me to continue to li-..." She then stopped as she looked at Jun Shan's pouting expression and massaged her aching head.

Jun Shan then smiled, the scolding session was over, his mother was not good at being angry. He hugged her and promised, "I'll be more careful..."

A few days later, his mother came down with a cold, an Imperial doctor came and checked on her, prescribed medication and said she will recover soon. Jun Shan stayed by her side every day keeping her company.

Unfortunately, her condition did not improve and one morning while he held her hand cheerfully talking about the places they were going to go once she recovered and he was old enough to leave the palace, he looked down to see her eyes had finally closed. 

Jun Shan sniffed and continued talking about all the places she promised to take him...about how fun their lives will be once they left the palace, all the while fighting back the tears as her hand lost its heat in his. The Imperial doctor came to check on her, while Jun Shan just sat there looking at her face, still fighting back the tears. The Imperial doctor then pronounced her dead and ordered the servants to prepare her body for the funeral. Jun Shan stubbornly refused to let go of her and the servants had to wrestle him away from her body.

As they struggled, the tears he had been holding back began streaming down his face as he tightly gripped hugged her body calling for her, so overcome with tears he could barely get his words out. The servants eventually pulled him off and his mother's maid hugged and comforted him, restraining him as they took her body away and he bitterly cried for his mother, feeling abandoned, scared and alone.

Later, he knelt in the mourning hall in his white mourning robes, with only his mother's maid there with him. They had been here for hours and no one came. His mother was not important enough for the concubines to come to pay their respects and she was of no consequence to the other consorts...and his father, he was not even sure he was notified of her passing and even if he was, he probably did not care enough to come. To his father, he was a disappointment, therefore she was a disappointment.

He heard footsteps and turned around hoping to see his father, only to see Jun Kai and Eunuch Li approaching. He sighed and looked down, disheartened, as Eunuch Li and Jun Kai paid their respects. 

Jun Kai then came to kneel beside him and quietly said, "I'm sorry I can't stay long."

Jun Shan glanced at him and then faced forward and knit his brows, "I thought you were ignoring me...You don't need to stay, leave. After all, she's my mother, not yours." He said sniffing and rubbed a hand over his eyes.

Jun Kai did not say anything and just knelt there quietly at his side, as Jun Shan covered his face and sorrowfully cried. His mother was gone and so were their dreams for the future, the life she wanted to give him and the life he wanted to give her, and the one she deserved.

After his mother's passing, he was no longer sure how he was supposed to live his life and was simply going about the motions of life apathetically. 

"Useless!" 

Jun Shan looked up at his father's disapproving glare and quickly got off the floor. He had just been knocked down by the Crown prince during their usual sparring sessions. He bit his lip as he felt his eyes getting hotter.

Their father looked at Jun Shan's face and scowled when he saw a tear roll down his face, "That is unbecoming of a prince...And no son of mine should be seen with tears upon losing a battle. If you are truly that useless, then I would rather kill you myself to spare that disappointment." Their father calmly finished.

The other three princes knit their brows, they were aware of his mother's death and felt some compassion towards his condition. But none of them dared to reproach their father and so silently stood there. 

"Understand?" Their father asked condescendingly looking at Jun Shan. Jun Shan tightly fisted his hands and controlled the tears and nodded.

Their father then turned to the Crown Prince and smiled, "You are improving well, worthy of your title."

The Crown Prince smiled and bowed and thanked him. He nodded then turned to the Second Prince and frowned, "You, on the hand have shown no improvement. He is younger than you by almost five years and you have been pushed into defense. If you can only defend now, in a few days you will be on your knees. You also seem to be shaping up to be something useless."

The Second Prince frowned and apologized for his incompetence. Their father took a deep breath and then turned to Jun Kai and smiled, "As usual, your progress is good."

Jun Kai glanced up at him and then looked down with a frown and did not respond. Their father scoffed, "And I see you are still not speaking. I hope you come to your senses soon as well." Jun Kai made no move to acknowledge him. Their father looked at him for a while, then sneered and said, "You can leave."

The four of them bowed and as they turned to leave. Their father changed his mind and added, "Jun Shan, you continue to practice. Even if you are going to die, you have to learn to at least die with dignity and take the enemy with you."

Jun Shan sighed and stopped, he turned and watched his father walking away and the eunuch left behind instructed him to begin. This was not the first time this happened, he had always been a disappointment in his eyes, but this time there was no warm hug for him to return to, all he had was a cold, cold courtyard. He frowned, restraining their tears as he stayed there beating the air with his wooden sword. 

He practiced for hours until his father sent an eunuch to release him. The eunuch then led him to a lavish palace, which he later realized it was consort Zhong Ji's palace. He arrived in front of her and bowed, then quietly stood there as she scrutinized him with a frown.

Today during her lunch with the Emperor, Consort Zhong Ji saw that he was in a bad mood and inquired about it. He then told her about Jun Shan's crying irritating him. She then commented that it was natural for a child who just lost his mother to be emotional. The Emperor raised his eyebrows and went, "Ah, I forgot about that. But still..." He frowned and then sighed, looked at her and said, "Since you have some compassion for him, you can raise him."

Zhong Ji was unhappy with this arrangement, but she could not refuse the Emperor and so thanked him while annoyed on the inside. She was not interested in raising someone else's child, much less a servant's child, not to mention the Emperor seemed to greatly dislike this child. There was no merit in this endeavor at all. 

She finally sighed and said, "From today on, you are to live here. Concentrate on your studies and don't cause trouble and we won't have a problem."

Jun Shan frowned, "I don't wan-"

"I don't care what you want!" Zhong Ji spat out, then took a deep breath to calm herself, then calmly said, "The Emperor has ordered that you live here and so you will."

"Get him settled somewhere." She ordered and the servants took the disgruntled Jun Shan to his new living quarters.

Jun Shan glanced around his new bedroom, it was bigger but he was not interested in it at all. Despite the fact that his mother was gone, that little courtyard with one maid was still his home. He made up his mind to go home, but the servants stopped him and told him that the consort ordered that he remain in his room. 

He protested but they refused to budge and so he reluctantly returned to the room and sat there fuming, restraining himself from crying as his father's words echoed in his mind, further irritating him.  He became angry with himself as tears trickled down anyway. He wiped them off and new ones quickly fell, he wiped them off again and even more fell. He began rubbing his face hard to get rid of the tears, so much so that his cheeks bruised. He felt no pain as his mind was completely focused on rubbing since the tears kept falling.

{...I'm not useless...}