Volume 1 - CH 6.4

Angel and the girl’s long evening

Translated by 64990022

Chapter 6: Angel and the girl’s long evening

Part 4

[TN: This is a one sided dialogue formatting]

There was a girl named Shiki Ayaha. 

She was a year older, a senpai at my middle school. Long hair, she was mature for her age,and of course, beautiful. Even so, inside, she was very childish. 

I found myself smiling at the memory.

She was strange. Not that I have anything to complain about though.

She was dear to me. Every one would think like that, she just had the personality that makes you think so. 

She was always on the off-limits rooftop. She seemed to take her class normally, but I have only met her there. Lunch break, afterschool, I always met her there. 

We would talk about whatever crossed our minds. We talked about silly things, joked around, we even got into fights sometimes.

Hmm. What I did with her is irrelevant to the story, I’ll cut to the important parts.

Anyway, the thing was, I liked Ayaha. Of course, romantic feelings, nothing else. Not admiration, familial affection, camaraderie, no.  I was hopelessly in love.

I considered confessing, I planned to. But I wanted it to be a success, I wanted to move forward in a relationship with a girl I liked. I was a fool, but that was the only admirable thing about me at that time.

I’d prepared scripts, what was left was to find the courage to confess. Then, I realized.

What if I was rejected?

Not that I wasn’t confident. Ayaha was certainly enjoying herself when with me. And the rooftop, I was the only one she let me in.

But, a sliver of doubt remained.

What does the other party think about me? There was no way of knowing until the confession. No, even if you confess, you might not know their true feelings. You should understand this the best, Minato.

In short, I was scared.

If I confess, would this blissful everyday disappear? And what if I’m making her uncomfortable with this unrequited love?

I was afraid of losing the time we shared. I was afraid of what confession would bring. 

So, what did I do?

Did I say I was a fool? Even more of a fool than now. I was short, my voice was starting to crack, but there was one thing that was the same.

I had this power. Touch someone’s face and I’d know who they liked.

Did it cross your mind when you asked about my power? That this power would be a cheat item for anyone in that situation.

Even a fool could come to that solution. The fourteen-years-old me thought. No, I had been thinking since the moment I knew about my power.

Until then, I had never used it on Ayaha. As you would expect, I was lost. Is that okay? I shouldn’t use my power on someone I cared about, or should I?

Just a swipe, just to be sure before confessing. Or so I convinced myself.

One evening, I managed to use it one her when she was taking a nap. My power activated and–

No, it should have been activated. I saw no face, none.

Remember? The condition for my power, nothing happens meant that the target liked no one.

Ayaha Shiki had no romantic feelings towards Akashi Io.

I went home right away and bawled my eyes out. I couldn’t confess. But this affection refused to wane. It was painful.

I took a break, clearing the haze in my mind with a long deep sigh. Minato was looking blankly at the table, her cheeks resting on her hand. Her lips protrude a little, but not so much as a pout.

“It’s ending soon, don’t look so bored.”

She pulled herself from the drooping pose. “N-no! I wasn’t! It’s… not like that.”

“It’s fine. Just a boring tale of a lame middleschooler’s stupid screw-up.”

“T-that’s…”

“Well, here comes the climax.”

She raised her eyebrows.

My heart was thunderous inside my chest. 

I can’t let anything other than words spill here.

I took a deep breath and tried to stop the trembling.

“Ayaha died.”

There were no more tears.

Should I be relieved, or should I be disappointed?

The day I knew she didn’t like me, I cried the entire day. And then a week later, she got into a car accident along with her father. Just like that, she was gone. I heard that their death was immediate, good for her.

I shivered.

And then, I was a mess. Naturally, I was devastated, I really loved her.

I could no longer see her, her voice now no more than a memory. I couldn’t accept it. In response, perhaps, I threw up for heavens know how many times.

I skipped school for a while. Of course, I didn’t dare go to the rooftop. There were too many things that reminded me of Ayaha. Besides, I might end up at the wrong side of the fence.

I think we had talked about what we would do if our loved ones died. Now that I had the experience for real, I just knew how absurd it was. There was nothing I could do.

I wonder whether I should digest it slowly, taking in her death little by little. To forget the pain, but keep the memory.

In the end, I did nothing, just…be.

Hey, why are you crying… You still need to explain your side of the story. Keep it together, please.

…This was a story about why I decided to be an Angel, right? You could say that this is the Angel’s martyrdoom, I guess.

My grief was not just her death.

Well, not grief, more of regret. The chance to tell her that I loved her was now gone forever. 

Why didn’t I tell her? She didn’t see me that way, but then what? I still liked her. Scared? Scared of what? Scared of being rejected and losing this relationship?

We were together practically everyday, why can’t you win her over? Do you really think she would somehow notice you if you don’t tell her how you feel?

Because I had this power, because I knew, I should hold the confession off.

I was sure, I was sure that this was the right call. That was what I thought.

But then, what happened?

Ayaha had died.

I laughed, derisively, hysterically. Why am I doing this again? Words just kept spilling out. There were so many emotions—too many. I can’t think straight anymore. 

Not just the rooftop, I won’t meet her again anywhere. 

Like that, she died without knowing that I loved her. I would never see the look on her face when I tell her my feelings.

She might not see me that way, but I might be able to convince her a little? “Now that I think of it, he isn’t a bad guy.” or something like that. I could even ask her for a trial date. “I’ll work hard to be someone reliable, I’ll show you. I’ll repeat my feelings to you again then.” 

I might get that kind of chance.

Say, what would you do now, now that you knew everything.

Being rejected was scary, right? The possibility of being shunned by her scared you, huh? 

You were terrified of that, right? “I never think of you that way. Gross.” You would be horrified if she said that, no?

But, was that worse than now?

You think anything could be any more painful than this? There was nothing to be done now. You can’t tell her your feelings, never. You think there would be anything worse than this??

I burst into another fit of laughter.

Even with the worst of rejections, it wasn’t the end of the line. There was a whole world of possibilities had I confessed.  

Hey, can you forget her? Can you give up on her?

I can’t even properly have my heart broken. There was nothing I could do now.

Hey, Io, why didn’t you say it? If you know it would turn out like this, would you confess? If she still lives, would you do the same thing?

No, right?

I should have told her. Should have told her I loved her. “I’ve fallen head over heels for you,” I should have said that!

No matter the result, I should have confessed! If I had said it, I would have been able to move on! 

Every moment spent might have been the last. That’s the truth that people never realize until it is too late.

“That’s why I became the Angel.” I managed to hoarsely choke out the last words.

I should have brought soda from Seiyu.

“‘The angel will help people who were troubling about love’ was what spread. Words spread and the saying changed to ‘Agnel will make your love work out’” I licked my dry lips. “I help those who couldn’t take the plunge, even sometimes a little forcefully, so that they won’t regret it like I did. My responsibility is not to make sure their love is fulfilled, but accomplishment of confession. Whether the confession succeeds or fails, whether their love comes true or not, it doesn’t matter either way to me.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah. But it takes courage to confess. Courage comes from confidence, confidence needs results. I’m more than happy to help their relationship progress.”

Afterall, there was no such thing as an absolutely successful confession. And at the same time, there was no such thing as a romantic feeling that was better left unspoken.

“I’m being selfish, I know. I understand that there are people with special circumstances like you. That’s why I let them choose, whether to follow me or not. And I told them beforehand that I don’t guarantee success. If they grab my outreached hand, then I will help them to the end, that’s it.” My limbs were heavy and my heart ached, it was as if I had lost all the strength I had.

Minato kept her head down and said nothing.

Well, there’s not much to comment on. I get it, it was stupid.

“Thank you for telling me,” she finally said.

“No, rather, I’m sorry for telling you something dark. And it was longer than expected.” It must have been a while, since my throat was all but parched. “So… Minato.”

“Yeah”

Trepidation filled the air. The main issue was now here.

“What on earth happened? If you don’t mind, please tell me. Just so you know, you don’t have to. If you really want things to end this way then I’ll respect that.”

A nod.

“Well, personally, I don’t like this ending. I know I’m forcing myself on you but, you know, I’d like to at least end this amicably. I don’t know how you feel about me, but I think of you as a friend.”

That was all I had to say, the rest was now up to her. Secrets and feelings are yours and yours alone, Minato.

As if to steel her resolve, she slowly closed her eyes and sighed. With a nod, she lay her hand over mine. Warm, soft, and trembling hand.

“Mine is dark too, okay?”

“Sure.”

“My climax might be at the start though.” Another sigh. “My parents died when I was little. Their workplace caught fire.”

“…That’s why you were crying?”

She went on without answering. This time, she wasn’t crying.

I had nowhere else to go, so my aunt took me in. Yes, she’s my “mother” now. And no, I’m not left alone in this world.

She had a husband and a baby boy. So technically, they’re my father and brother. I was five then, I had just begun my kindergarten.

My new mother didn’t get along well with my mom. Ah, rest assured, she didn’t take it out on me. Troubled would be the better word. They can’t figure out how to interact with me, even until now. Their real child was just born, so their attention was there, for the most part.

Well, it couldn’t be helped. Babies are hard work. You never knew what would happen if you took your eyes off them.

I thought I would know my place and behave. I owe them enough for taking me in, what else could I ask for? Yeah?

Originally, my parents were busy people, the professional type. They were hardly at home anyway. Even my babysitter was stoic. I am used to being alone.

It was lonely and… sad. But there was nothing to do about it, so I just gave up.

Hm? What do you mean by “Since then?”? Yeah, it was since then.

Maybe I was annoying or not cute– no, that are just excuses. It’s not my fault, it’s not theirs too, it was just how things were. They would fawn over my brother while letting me be. But how could you blame them? They were probably celebrating the birth of their baby when I came to their doorstep. They had no memories with me, no fondness, no affection or whatsoever. 

The difference between me and my brother was just so blatant that I can’t ignore it. So I look after my brother, do anything to erase my existence, so that they can ignore me, so that they have excuses to ignore me. I can’t afford them hating me too, so it was the only viable choice back then.

That was probably what I was thinking back then.

Like, what kind of kindergartener thinks like that?

She laughed feebly

But I understood how they felt. I, too, can’t bring myself to love them. But I’m still grateful for what they did. They took the responsibility to raise me, the daughter of a sister whom she despised. Raising a child wasn’t an easy thing.

After a few blunders, I learned to take care of myself, to play alone, and to prepare meals. Anything that would contribute to the “I’m fine” aura.

On the other hand though, the distance between us widened. Synergistic effect, so to say.

They were quite wealthy, money was never the problem. They would give me allowances, and bring me things I needed. Still, there’s nothing I wanted, and I felt bad wasting it. In the end, most of the money just ends up at the bank.

I had turned down once, saying I don’t need this much. But they said “Please keep it”. “Please”, in a plea.

There was no way I could refuse, so I hadn’t tried again since then.

I think it was a way to lessen their guilt, like, “Here’s the money, forgive us.”

They occasionally ask if I need their help with anything. Sometimes, when I ask them a favor, they would smile as if relieved and go on with the favor.

Thinking back, it was like a business deal.

We went too deep into the back dealings, and have no choice but to continue. Instead of fulfilling our obligations, we used our rights and let the other side do the same. Telling them it’s fine, and being told the same thing.

Ah, sorry, I derailed. Well, the point is, this is how I’m raised.

What you want to know is probably from now. Yes, this is how Falling-in-love Peculiarity came to be.

I told you that it started during elementary school, that I dated many guys to find the cause, that I don’t know the cause.

But sorry, the last one was a lie.

I was no longer surprised. She checked my expression once before letting her eyes fall to the table.

“I knew the trigger pretty early. I know what kind of people I’m attracted to.” She said, “Yes, the same conclusion as yours. It was around two years back, so I had thought a lot about it.”

So it was right…

“The cause too, it was easy from that point on. This Peculiarity was unordinary, then I must be unordinary too. I just need to trace back from there.”

She shook her head in disgust.

The contempt was directed at herself.

“I wasn’t loved.”

“Ah, that way of speaking might be rude,” she corrected, “I just can’t feel I’m loved. I’m messed up.”

Her fists began to curl. She began to pull her hands from me, as if she was afraid of messing me up too. But I didn’t let her, I sought her hand and gripped.

“So when I feel like I’m liked.” Her eyes still downward, she went on. “I had to like them too. It just feels like I’m obliged to. I mean, they like me, they are giving me what I’ve always longed for. Even though it wasn’t familial love… I still… Still”

[TN: Gratitude, loyalty and faithfulness matters a lot in Japanese culture, so by Japanese context, liking several men simultaneously, speaking bad of one parents, and so on are bad. Sorry for not clarifying this earlier. ]

“Yeah…yeah…”

A droplet spilled from her eye, followed by another, and another. The drops joined into a stream, rolled down her cheeks and fell, disappearing behind the table’s shadow.

Before I knew it, my hands intertwined and connected with Minato’s. Which one of us initiated, I couldn’t know.

She then wiped her wet cheeks with her sleeve.

“But…Is there even a way to know? Something like that,” she sobbed.

“That?” I echoed.

“I might be wrong. I might look over something. It was like blaming my parents, saying it’s their fault when all they did was take me in. I might just be me. I don’t want to put the blame on anyone… So I needed someone who could find the real reason, that way, I might… I might…”

“…”

“So I found you. If it’s the Angel, then surely, the answer! The reason I’m messed up is me, I want that answer!”

“I see…”

“It’s not their fault! Not Mom, not Dad, not my brother, not anyone’s fault! It’s mine…It’s mine!”

Her voice cracked and she crumpled, I kicked the table away and caught her. She clung to me like a child. Her voice rose into a shrill.

“I don’t wanna, hic, be a bother to anyone!” she wailed.

I looped my arms around her, patted her head, trying to anchor her, to stop the trembling. I failed.

I cried too. Her guilt was immense, it just felt natural to be crying after seeing her crushed like this. She took the lead and I followed. Her sobs continued forever. We didn’t talk, what to do next, we had no idea.

I’m sorry, Fujimiya, this is all I could do.

“Minato”

Ah, but… I see.

Hugging her was the right choice.