Chapter 56

“Your Majesty, the princess refused to eat her breakfast.”

Lu Havre looked at Lucia for a second, then looked back to the document that he’d been reading.

“Let her do what she wants to do.”

Then he said something opposite of what he was thinking. He could feel the bitterness. However, Lu Havre tried to look unbothered, as he knew how much thinking and emotions she was going through right now. He could just picture her worrying. She was a soft and thoughtful lady. She was probably trying to soothe herself.

In fact, he wanted to run to her room right now and hold her tight in his arms.

He wanted to tell Ashite to not to worry about anything.

But he knew that he should not. He wondered if what she said was the truth. And he was worried that she might worry later thinking that she was just trying to rush the answer. He was waiting so that she could have enough time to think about it. He must give her some time. He did not want to put any pressure on her or make her feel like everything was complicated. He wanted to let her make her own decision.

She made him be this way. He never cared or thought about someone like this. So, Lu Havre waited and waited until she opened the door to come in and smile.

“Your Majesty, the princess skipped the lunch meal.”

However, the leader of the servants came back with the same answer. Lu Havre sighed. Frankly, Lu Havre knew. The laugh he saw yesterday, or what she said — that she was not worried about anything — might have been a facade. The reason why she behaved that way even though she was worried was to relax him. He did not want to hurry or ask for the truth after that. He could not force anything because he did not know everything about her, and he did not want to ask for deep truth. Now was time to wait. She would end up here after all.

“Your Majesty,” Lucia paused for a moment. “The princess did not have dinner either.”

He wanted to give her some time. He did not expect to see her today at his office. He did not want to force anything. He could tell her what he wanted to tell her later. They would eventually get to know each other. So, there is no need to rush. She would stay next to him.

“Lucia, where is she right now?”

“She’s in the dance room.”

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. Lu Havre got up from his seat and left the office right away. His red cape waved through the door.

***

In the dance room, a lady was lying on the carpet.

Her hair was messy. The stands of purple hair with a hint of pink were spread across the carpet. It looked like an abstract painting. In the middle of it was Ashite slowly blinking her eyes. As she blinked her eyes, black lashes made a shadow on her eyes then disappeared.

The room was very bright, but contrary to that there was darkness outside the window. The sky was clearly blue the last time she saw it, and it became night already — Ashite had been thinking all day.

Obviously, it was not a peaceful night for Ashite. More specifically, it was a night that she could not stay peacefully.

She didn’t notice how much time had passed. She couldn’t remember what she did this morning, how she ended up here, and why she was lying on the carpet. She couldn’t think straight. Her vision was blurry. It was hard for her to decide what was peace and what was not. She couldn’t remember what she did yesterday, either. She was zoned out.

***

<<“Ashite.”

“What do you think of… What do you think of you becoming the queen of this country?”>>

***

All the thoughts ended up as one word. Queen. She could feel the weight of the crown. She would soon become the partner of the king. Then she will give birth to a baby, and the baby would call her mother. Mother…mother. She couldn’t decide what was going through her own head. She did not want to think about it. She did not want to feel anything for now.

She just wanted to close her eyes and be in her mother’s arms. If only her mother was here in front of her, she would run towards her mother and leap into her arms, just like a little child. She wished her mom would caress her gently. She’d been laying on the carpet with those thoughts in her head. The carpet was soft. It was warm, showing how long she’d been laying on it. It did not matter that it was a carpet, just as long as she could feel the warmth from somewhere. Just a carpet in the dance room was good enough for her. The warmth felt special to her.

Obviously, the carpet did not have the scent of her mother. It was not Lotte Bishel that she was staying in. Ashite knew that. So, she did not want to go back to the old days in her memories. She was just quietly breathing. She felt better just by lying down. Just by feeling the sunlight and the darkness coming through the window, she did not get any more anxious at least.

There were just few words floating around her head.

She missed her mother. Everything, including this carpet she laid on, reminded her of her mother, although her mother probably had no idea about this carpet, and that the place she was staying in was not Lotte Bishel.

However, there was nothing for her to keep in the memory of her mother from the beginning.

Nothing. She couldn’t even cry because she knew. No matter how much she missed her mother, there was nothing she could do. There was no handkerchief that smelled like her mother, no picture of her mother, no dress of her mother’s that she could try on once in a while. Her mother did not leave her anything. There were no last words, or any physical belongings of her mother for her to keep.

But her mother stayed in her memory. That’s how she could think of her mother right now. She could picture her mother dancing and singing, and reminding herself of her mother’s words calmed her down. It worked much better than using her own words. She thought she was lucky to be able to memorize those words. She’d been relying on the words numerous times, and that’s how she could stand by herself now. She could at least pretend like she was surviving through everything. And that is how she could accept him in her life, too.

She could hear the footsteps. Ashite kept her eyes closed.

If the sound had a shape, there would be no such sharp steps like those. The wide steps with no footprints left behind.

Soon she could hear a door knock. He would knock the door in constant rhythm every time: two quick knocks.

Then he sighed. His sigh was dripping on the doorknob. It was in just a way he was feeling right now. If that emotion had a color, it would be gray with a hint of red in light gray. He knocked again. Twice.

There was no answer inside. He did not even sigh this time. He knocked again quietly.

There still was no answer. So, the man opened his lips.

“Ashite.”

Silence.

“…I’m coming in.”

She already knew the answer. She would’ve gotten the same answer even if she asked her mother. She just wanted to organize her complicated thoughts. She was just trying to look for an answer in her mother. She felt like everything would be okay if her mother could be next to her right now. She tried to find what would be a good saying coming from her mother. The door was opening.

The sound of the door was clear. She got out of her zone. She just felt dizzy that she hadn’t found her answer yet.

The door opened. She felt like everything was going to be chaotic. She just felt that way. She tried to keep her eyes closed and pretend to be asleep, then opened her eyes. But she couldn’t still get up from the carpet.

Including the word “queen,” she felt like her own thoughts and emotions would swallow her down, so she was just quietly breathing in the room. She could not know if she was thinking until now. She did not know anything, but one thing was clear.

This was reality. The line between her present and past was a blur, then it was clear again. Just by knowing that person was right in front of her made everything clear again. But she couldn’t see his face. It was indistinct.

Suddenly, she could see the red eyes. Ashite slowly blinked her eyes. The light was bright. In the middle of it, she could see the red.

The eyes were strange. They were so different than that of a human. She tried to remember the first time she recognized those eyes. And it was clear — it was when she noticed how he felt. She could feel how he felt just by looking at his eyes and faces. They were full of his emotions. Then and now.

Even before Ashite opened her lips, Lu Havre gestured. It meant that she did not need to greet him. Then he sat in front of her. Ashite got up. Then she gathered her legs. Lu Havre looked at her. Lu Havre wiped his face slowly.

He looked tired. She wanted to touch him. Ashite raised her hands towards him without noticing.

“Ashite.”

Lu Havre was faster. So, Ashite had to stop.

Silence.

He called her name in such a heartening way. It was full of his emotions. It felt like he already knew her thoughts. She wondered if he knew why she’d been like this. He probably didn’t.

“…I think you should at least eat.”

Once again, he said it in a heartening way. He was begging her with true emotions as he sighed. He tried to hold onto his emotions, but they were flooding through what he told her. And she could feel it clearly.

“Your Majesty.”

“Ashite, I…”

Lu Havre closed his eyes as if he couldn’t continue talking anymore.

He couldn’t ask her until she told the truth by her own will. He knew that she’d been going through a lot in Skara. He read about it in the documents, so he did not want to bring negative stories to her. Most of all, he was scared that she was going to disappear. So, he did not want to force anything on her. He was going to wait until she told him.

“I’m worried that you…”

He was worried that she would be sick. So, he did not want her to skip meals or lay down like this as if nothing mattered to her.

Although he wanted to tell her that, he could not. Lu Havre said those words in his head a few more times. When he opened his eyes again, there she was in front of him.

Round forehead, nose, golden eyes, purple hair, and bright eyes — everything was clear. It wasn’t a fantasy or a lie.

Ashite also looked into his eyes. He was so close to her. Their foreheads would touch each other if she leaned in just a bit more. She looked at those red eyes and felt like her mind was moving like a strong wave. The eyes were more precious than a jewel. His eyes were looking into her eyes. He was looking at him truthfully.

She realized lying to him would not mean anything anymore. No more negativities.

“Your Majesty.”

So Ashite could bring out her truth.

“Are you truly marrying me?”

Lu Havre blinked his eyes. The eyelids moved up and down. It felt like such a long time for the person who waited. Just one blink. After looking for words to express his feelings, he opened his lips again.

His words stayed in her ears.

“Yes, I am. ”

Ashite also blinked her eyes. It was the future that she’d been thinking of since he told her about his feelings, or even before then. Maybe it started from the time the king showed his kindness to her.

Every time she blinked, the light went in and out of her sight. She did not know if she should accept those lights coming in.

Neither of them broke the silence. Lu Havre waited patiently, and Ashtie tried to think again looking at those lights.