Chapter 55

For the entire day in the king’s office, Lu Havre had been thinking about how to start the conversation. And last night, maybe even before then. But he knew that he had to say it today. He’d already passed his marriageable age, he had to get ready to have an heir, and he wasn’t in a position to take time to get to know someone and then marry the person, anyway. She was aware of this, too.

He had to do it since he made decisions on it. He was thinking of the right words to tell her so that she wouldn’t feel like it was too much and for her to have enough time to think. He had to show her calm behavior. He did not want to give the impression of him rushing into the marriage, at least to her. Although they barely knew each other’s feelings and he did not want to rush, it was something necessary for him and he needed to let her know that it was coming from his heart.

Now, he wasn’t shy to send her a good morning message. He rather wished the servants would talk about it. There was no need to hide his feelings now. He was happy enough just to see her during lunch. With her blushed cheeks, she would eat gently, once in a while expressing how good the food was and would look at him with her eyes under the long lashes like a star. Just looking at her would make him happy.

So, this was a good time to tell her. However, the fact that he told the nobles in the morning before asking her bothered him. He was worried if she would be displeased with it.

“Your Majesty.”

Her voice. It was soft and light. He could feel her breath, but he couldn’t hold her hand. He felt like she would fly away if he held onto her too tight. No, it was more like she would disappear into pieces. If he became too greedy about her, she might break.

He realized that’s what had been holding onto him. He was worried. Something whispered inside of him. It wasn’t an inappropriate thought about her, but it was the truth.

Lu Havre zoned out for a moment. He had to acknowledge the truth. That’s why he said it without actually knowing her intention. He was scared that she would disappear, so he had to hold onto her. That way, she could not deny it.

Then another part of him reminded himself that he would never get worried about anything. For Lu Havre, such emotion did not exist.

Lu Havre slowly opened his lips. He did not know if it was to reply to her calling, or to deny what he’d been thinking of. He did it unintentionally.

“Your Majesty.”

Ashite spoke quicker than him. That voice got Lu Havre out of his thoughts. The small voice made him able to recognize her in front of him.

“…yes?”

“Your Majesty, are you doing okay…?”

Ashite’s mumbled her last word.

She was reading her books at the king’s office as usual, although things were different between them. Either it was just the atmosphere or the king, but it did not seem great, so she asked him if he was doing okay. She was worried if something happened, or someone said something to him. As she was about to ask him, she was worried.

She was worried if she was allowed to ask him this and if it was okay to show her feelings. As it was showing on her face, and Lu Havre noticed it right away. It wasn’t hard thing to notice as he always cared about her.

Lu Havre laughed. Laughing became something he got used to. Especially when he was in front of her, he wanted to express his happiness, thankfulness, and all other positive emotions to her.

So, Lu Havre decided to not to worry about it too much. Worrying would not change anything. What’s important is to communicate with her. He was ready to appreciate whatever she decided to do. That’s something he won’t change. He may have been worried, but that showed how deep his feelings for her were. That’s why he thought about her this much.

Himself in the past — the king who was careless about everyone — seemed strange to him how. He was changing for good.

“I’m okay.”

He was okay because of her.

“Ashite.”

“Yes?”

“What do you think of…”

Ashite completely put her book down on the desk. She couldn’t focus on it anyway. Then she looked at Lu Havre. Lu Havre smiled like a painting. There was no way she could feel the love from the smile towards her.

“What do you think of you becoming the queen of this country?”

Lu Havre already stood up. He walked up to her slowly, then stood in front of Ashite. Then he sat down on the sofa facing her.

In that short time, Ashite did not say a single word. Lu Havre tried not to be nervous. It was a simple question just to see how she thought of it. He kept telling himself to relax, or he felt like he would just reach out to her.

“…Your Majesty, I…”

Ashite barely opened her lips. It was hard just to start what she was going to say. She just needed to say it. It wasn’t that hard. She already prepared what she was going to say, or she thought she did, at least. After realizing each other’s feelings, Ashite organized her thoughts last night.

The king had already passed his marriageable age a long time ago, and Ashite was well aware of that. So, she thought she should prepare herself for the marriage, too. In fact, there wasn’t much for her to prepare; it was just her mind.

Now she only had to say it out loud. She was grateful to be a queen. Some words were tangling with her emotions inside, but she had to say it. She already knew the answer.

She did not want to make him wait anymore. It wasn’t proper manners to make the king wait for a response. She knew especially how Lu Havre felt about this and that he was waiting for her to say something. There was no way she wouldn’t know.

He was such a caring person, so he was trying his best not to put pressure on her. Queen wasn’t just a casual position to be in. He was showing his kindness to say it as if it was not a big deal. Just like he had been doing for her, she couldn’t make him wait any longer.

“Your Majesty, I…”

She kept on repeating herself. But Lu Havre did not hurry her. He was just patiently waiting for her without saying anything. He was waiting until her golden eyes under her purple hair would look back at him. Then her red lips opened again.

“I… for me…”

Ashite smiled as she noticed him looking at her. The room was bright. Although it was dark outside, the darkness did not come through the window. The smile brightened the room.

“I don’t deserve to be…”

“That’s not true.”

He replied to her right away. Her pumpkin eyes were opened wide in surprise, then she realized he had always been like that — she did not have to be surprised. Ashite smiled again with happiness.

“However, I am grateful for the position.”

“…yes.”

Lu Havre checked on her. Ashite looked back at him checking on her. She wanted to look away because she was blushing, and there were some other emotions coming out, too.

Ashite waited quietly until Lu Havre was done looking at her. He seemed to find the right words to say back to her.

“Ashite.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Is there anything worrying you?”

There was one thing she was trying to hide. He noticed that in Ashite. Ashite gently smiled; it wasn’t something naïve. She was trying to hide something that’d been found.

“No, nothing at all.”

Silence.

“I believe in you, Your Majesty.”

She told the truth to him. Only then he seemed to be relieved. Soon he smiled with a satisfied face. His red eyes were gleaming.

“Okay.”

Ashite thought things would go well. At least she believed that things would go well.

Marriage is not something to be decided quickly. Even this conversation required lots of thinking. She wondered how the nobles reacted after they saw him and her — they must have said something to him. The king wanted to confirm this marriage. Ashite never even thought about being apart. He must have been thinking that way, too. She remembered all the sweet whispers from last night. Everything was still in the moment. Everything was true.

And Ashite had no other way to go. Although she’d always been scared to lose someone and to see the bottom, she couldn’t even think of any other way to do this. This relationship was not something that would burn out fast.

However, no matter how much she reminded herself and calmed herself down, there were a few things that bothered her. Ashite kept telling herself to keep everything inside to see what was happening now and to not worry about the faraway future.

Ashite was able to sit down calmly as she kept reminding herself. She hid all her anxiety. Lu Havre seemed to not notice it. Ashite was relieved. She would rather have him not know about it. Even if he did, she did not want to mention what was going through her mind.

He did not need to know. It was something she had to take care by herself. He already had so much going on as a king, so she did not want to put that weight on him. He would be willing to do that with his heart. But she did not want to do that.

As she kept reminding herself to calm down, it became late. Ashite said goodnight to Lu Havre and left the office. Ashite walked elegantly as she walked back to her room. Servants were waiting for her. Before she went to sleep, servants helped her to get ready to go to bed. Everything was the same as usual.

And by the time she laid on her bed and turned the lights off, it was quiet. It was so quiet that it felt weird. There was no clock ticking, breathing, bugs buzzing, or people walking in the hallway. Nothing but silence filled in the room. There were windows and doors in the room, but they rather made her feel trapped. The sound did not go through the room.

Ashite was laying still, then curled up. She couldn’t handle the fact that she couldn’t even hear a clock ticking. She did not like this atmosphere. She wanted to break this dark silence. Even the one person who was with her in the room did not say anything, and the silence was putting her into a deeper hole. The darkness was suffocating her.

Wondering why, Ashite closed her eyes.

However, Ashite knew why. The truth with no going back was pushing her down. That was why this silence felt so heavy on her.

She was getting married.

The dark silence was continued. Ashite decided to let it be. She could have broken the silence if she wanted to, yet she did not. She just fell into deep thoughts.

There must have been opinions against it. Of course, she did not care about it. She came all the way down here and she was not afraid of that. However, she could think of some people who would be against it, like the royal of Skara. She did not have to care about them, but one person was still in her head.

L’avenant.

She thought she could explain it later to Lante. She was also thinking about writing letters to the two ladies she met at Theheras. She wondered how they would take it; at least they won’t be against it. She hoped that they would happily congratulate her. There weren’t that many people to congratulate her on it.

There would certainly be numerous people who would come out negatively as they brought up her mother. But she also knew they wouldn’t be able to talk about her and her mother that easily, as she was royal after all.

Ashite opened her eyes slightly. It only took a short time to get used to the darkness. Using the darkness as a canvas, she drew one person she was thinking of. The hair that was brighter than hers had a hint of blue. The style reminded her of a lion. The body was strong, and the skin was tanned, remind people of a predator. And the red eyes. Although she knew well enough what he looked like, she still hesitated to picture his eyes. It was red eyes that were nothing like that of a human, but also the color changed depending on the emotions he felt.

She knew confidently that when he was looking at her, his eyes were a bright, warm red. She could feel the love of his towards her. Every time Ashite looked into those eyes, she blushed and wanted to look away from him because of the embarrassment. She also wished that he would only show those eyes to her.

Just like what happened at Menang, she wouldn’t be able to control her feelings if he showed his smile to someone else. If he ever looked at someone with those eyes, she knew she wouldn’t be able to control herself. She would be blinded by all the emotions that she feels at the moment.

Knowing this, the king could not have her become a different position other than a queen. She didn’t even want a lady standing next to him, and she could not be a concubine. And she would not be able to express all the feelings towards him if she did not become the queen.

However, she knew that it was what she wanted and what she’d been wanting. If she was ever scared to marry the king and become the queen, she should have never gone to Menang with him. She should have refused any of the offers from the beginning, including an invite for the king to escort her to Menang.

Ashite told herself that this is what she wanted and calmed herself down.

She felt like this darkness would push her down forever if she did not think about it this way and worry less. In fact, it was already going that way. She was worried. She doubted if she really wanted to be the queen, or if she just wanted to be with him. She was barely claiming herself to be the princess with her thin and small crown and was saying that she didn’t even want that, and hypocritically she wanted to be a queen of the country now.

However, Ashite answered herself without hesitating.

She had to do it that way. She couldn’t lose another loved person in her life.

There was nothing else but the truth in it. She couldn’t lose him. She wanted to be next to him. In order to do that, she would survive in the position, no matter how hard it would be.

She never wanted anything so bad and was willing to work so hard for it.

Except for once — when she wanted to spread the dance and become a dance professor. It was the only time that she felt like she found a purpose in her life.

She knew that she already had one thing to make her life happy: being next to the king.

But she also knew if she said she wanted to be a professor after she became the queen, he will let her do it. He would support her in ways to make it happen, though she should not expect too much.

She thought she was perhaps being greedy.

However, he and the dance both were the ones that got her out of her hopeless misery. So she wanted to hold onto both. There was nothing wrong with it.

However, her 20 years of experience made her worry. Maybe she was being greedy, she thought. She did not know where to start. And that’s why she always ended up in the same place.

Her mind was everywhere. She thought maybe it’s because of the wedding that she never thought would happen in her life.

In fact, Ashite knew the answer. The only path that was laid in her way. She just had to hold his hand. She couldn’t understand herself — it was not that hard to do.

She tried to figure out what was wrong. All the worries coming up in her head were keeping her up. She was not sleepy. She did not have any appetite, either. Everything was blurry. She just felt dizzy with all the pressure.

So Ashite headed to the place again. The place that she could feel safe.