Chapter 12

Well, good. God, as you promised to give me a gift while saying my fixed fate will stay the course, I would like to see how great it is. I’m going to use that reward to break my fate that never changes.

“Okay, let me receive your gift. I don’t want to call you God. I will never regard you as God. I won’t thank you because you have already unjustly taken too many things from me. I now realize that there is no God who loves all things fairly. ”

There was a long silence between them. Maybe God was angry at me. The god I believed in was infinitely merciful, clear about punishment and reward, and just, but I knew already that there was no such God.

<Are you angry with me because I said something that rubbed you the wrong way? Then, what is the difference between God and humans?> The moment I was about to burst into laughter, I heard a horse’s neighing in my mind.

<You are the one who receives my attention and refuses your destiny. The way you go is your destiny, and what you want is your way. Your name is Aristia Peony La Monique, a pioneer of destiny.>

The white space surrounding me began to disappear quickly. When I closed and opened my eyes quickly, I found myself sitting in a small prayer room.

***

I was abandoned by the man I thought was my partner, ignored by the masters who raised me as the first lady of the empire, and condemned by the beloved people as a bad woman then deserted by even God.

Although he never treated me warmly, I wholeheartedly served and loved him. Although I was treated as his concubine, not queen, I tried to live according to the master’s teachings. Even if I was condemned as a bad woman, I didn’t hate the people.

The reason God has given these trials was because he wanted to train me. God only knows I braved through all the difficulties and hardship even though I wanted to give up everything because I was so lonely. I thought that as God loved and cared for all things fairly, God would reward me with a better gift…

But the god I met said that I was not his blessed child, but a substitute for another woman, adding that I had to accept this because it was my fate.

I had to train and better myself until late every night to become a girl who suited him. Even without complaining about my hardship, I sobbed alone many days at night when everybody went to sleep. Even though I wanted to give it up as a bad job because I hurt and felt sad, I spent many days just putting up with it silently. But all my time and energy I spent until now became useless the moment God said I was not the emperor’s designated partner from the beginning.

My desperate efforts throughout all those years came to nothing.

I was upset because I felt I was totally denied. After realizing that the god I believed in and relied on so far was an illusion, I became hopeless. I shivered with betrayal.

Now that I was done with everything, an unbearable extreme emptiness filled my mind.

What have I lived for? What is the value of my existence? Who am I?

I…

Somewhere in my heart waves of despair crashed. A black sea through which no light penetrated and towering black waves swept me away.

***

“…Ah.” I heard someone’s voice breaking the silence.

“… Ah!” What the heck is this? It’s so noisy.

“Tia! ”

Leave me alone

“Tia!”

Don’t call me. Don’t look for me. Anyway, I was nothing. Why are you bugging me? Just leave me alone. Don’t want anything more from me.

I was annoyed by her repeated calling. I was no more than a substitute for Jiun.

What more do you want from me when you have abused me so much until now?

I like this place right now. I won’t get out of here. No one loves or values me in this world. I don’t need it. Just leave me alone.

“Tia! Come to your senses!”

Although I wanted the owner of the voice to get out, it had no intention to leave. As I was so annoyed, I frowned. What are you looking for me so persistently this time? I have nothing to give you anymore. You denied my efforts, my pride, my tears, my love, and eventually my existence. What more do you want? Why are you doing this to me?

“Please.”

Who are you calling me so desperately?

“Please come to your senses! Please. ”

Suddenly a drop of water fell somewhere in my dark space.

Tuk, tuk, tududuk.

Water drops began to fall here and there. Initially one or two drops, and then a column of water began to come down everywhere.

“Please wake up.”

Streams of water from all sides were removing the darkness around me. Where the darkness disappeared, light beams were pouring down. A white light wrapped me.

***

Where am I now?

Looking around with blurred eyes, I saw columns with a geometric pattern mixed with white and green. This is the temple! Why do I feel stuffy then? Why does my back feel damp? As I slowly looked down, I could see wide shoulders and a strong back.

“Daddy?”

It was a dry and hoarse voice. Even though it was very small, my father responded immediately, raising his head and said, “Are you awake now? You have come to your senses now, right? Huh? Answer me, Tia! ”

I could not say anything because tears were flowing from his eyes. I was speechless when I discovered that my father, who was always cold-hearted, called me so earnestly and shedding tears that I had never seen before.

“Have you come to your senses now? Are you okay now? Say something, my lady! ”

My father kept calling me without thinking of wiping his tears, and Lina was asking me with a crying voice if I was okay. The two knights of my family were anxiously trying to check my condition. And my father’s personal aide was looking at me nervously, holding my father’s official uniform.

I finally realized that I was not alone in this world. Although I denied the existence of God and gave up hope, who I believed and relied on until the last minute, when He abandoned me, I was not a trivial being without anyone’s interest or love. I had a father who loved me so much that he broke his lifelong conviction in the protection of the imperial family, my friend Lina who had always been with me since childhood, and the family members who cared about me.

When I thought that even God abandoned me, did I realize that there were so many people around me who could help me if I reached out, while I failed to look around, only seeking God’s salvation. Only when I abandoned myself who believed that only God could recognize my efforts did I realize it.

From now on, I’m going to live, depending on them. I will never lead a life for God. I won’t seek Him anymore who has turned away from me when I needed Him and has awakened me to this reality when I was abandoned. I’m going to lead a different life, making eye contact with people, laughing with them, sharing my hard life with them and throwing tantrums.

I bowed to those who looked at me nervously.

Thank you, father.

Thanks, Lina.

Thank you everyone.

I felt as if my empty heart was filled with new hope. I hugged my father’s neck and smiled brightly, filled with gratitude for my beloved ones.

***

I opened my eyes. When I got up hastily, I saw someone’s shiny silver hair reflecting the sun.

I saw my father sleeping soundly. Obviously, he was stressed out because of me. These days, I showed him my ugliness and made him sad. I cried, passed out and gawked at him.

I sighed. When I thought it might be a dream, I felt fine. But when I realized it was real, I felt rather calm. My past memories as a 17-year-old girl as well as my current memories as a 10-year-old girl were all real. Not only his stout arms that lifted me as I shivered, but also his heartless words that I would be the empress, and his reassurances that he would come back to take me home were not illusions.

I felt empty. I’ve been living really hard all my life, but all my efforts came to nothing. My heartfelt love and sad memories existed only in my mind, which hadn’t yet happened in reality.

Is that the reason? Even though I knew I had a chance to live differently from the past, I kept feeling bitter. I felt just empty and lonely.

“Oh, you’re awake.”