Chapter 401: Still Broken

“Let’s see… I don’t have a new question for now, what about we talk about ourselves while we’re relaxing like this? I still have a lot that I didn’t know about my Rae.” Dropping a quick kiss on her lips, I then lowered my body to whisper in her ear before raising it soon afterward.

Rae raised an eyebrow and with a teasing smile, she pinched a few clumps of my hair before rubbing it with her thumb and forefinger.

Soon afterward, she moved her hand to fix my hair to her liking before taking her glasses off and putting it on me.

“Your Rae, hmm? I really like hearing that from you, hateful Ruki.”

While admiring my new look that she herself fixed for me, Rae put a hand on my cheek and pulled me down to initiate another kiss.

Naturally, I eagerly responded to her, giving the girl the chance to savor it.

Using our lips and tongue to further deepen our connection, the earlier incident where I got stuck in the Shower Room was pushed further away from my mind.

It might not be totally resolved yet but… being with Rae at this moment, giving her my full attention was something I could always do.

“Am I still hateful for you?”

“Quite so. Hateful because I couldn’t spend that much time with you. I also couldn’t request for you to make more time for me… I may be starting to get jealous over how little time we are getting to spend with each other, Ruki.”

Halfway through her words, Rae’s voice sounded forlorn and apologetic.

Saying what was on her mind this time, I guess she had already outgrown her old ways of only basing everything in her knowledge.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t really give a positive response to what she just said…

I was aware that I was being too greedy to continue going after more girls when there’s already a lot of them and a lot who I couldn’t meet regularly.

I could list my own selfish reasons for doing it but that wouldn’t lighten what they’re currently feeling.

I was aware that it’s not only Rae who’s feeling like this. Perhaps in fear that I would be troubled, no one was openly telling me about it. For them, as long as I didn’t forget them, that was enough.

It was unthinkable that a lot of them were enduring this situation but… I made this situation possible. Like I said before, I could put a closure to my relationship with the girls from my past but instead of doing that, I took them all in. That was really me being too greedy.

Would I continue being like this? With my desire that was currently impossible to die down… I would surely continue being like this...

Even if I restricted it to the point that I was not actively looking for more girls I would be interested in, the same circumstances just like with Saki and Otsuka-senpai could happen anytime.

And just recently, being entangled in that situation with Orimura-sensei could also be counted. The way that I even thought of teasing her during that situation was already close to what happened with Saki.

Why couldn’t I resist and outright reject the idea of being entangled with them? It’s simply because I couldn’t… That’s what’s wrong with me.

I was still as broken as before.

My girls and those who knew me might’ve seen that I was slowly changing… but the thing about my desire wasn’t.

And I had no idea if there’s a chance to totally cure it. Haruko thought of continuing to fill up this desire to keep me satisfied but that’s just prevention, not a solution.

In the end, I was the one who needed to find that solution.

Perhaps noticing that I became lost in my thoughts, Rae cupped both of my cheeks and had me focus my eyes on her.

“... Ruki, you became silent… Forget what I said. I’m still glad I can spend this quality time with you.”

While shaking her head, she put on a smile as her attempt to ease my mind.

Look at this… now I was the one being comforted by her when it should be the other way around.

I grabbed one of her hands and put it before my lips. I gently shook my head before kissing its back.

Following that, I laid down sideways in the small space beside her, squeezing myself on this sofa. I then let her use one of my arms as her pillow while my other arm embraced her tight.

“No. It’s only right for you to say those and I’m sorry for being silent. I’m trying to find words to reply to what you said but I ended up thinking too deeply and in the end, I believed I couldn’t say empty words just to comfort you.”

With her back turned to me as we squeezed together on this sofa, I whispered in her ears.

Upon hearing that, she couldn’t help but turn her head with a trace of worry in her eyes.

“Ruki…”

Kissing her to somehow ease that, I then continued.

“There’s still something wrong with me. I told you about my desire, right? I can only restrict it but… I have no way to erase it completely. I am aware that I am doing all of you wrong whenever someone else will be added or I become interested in a new girl. Saying sorry will not solve the problem but that’s all I can do for now.”

She deserved hearing what ran in my mind when I heard her say that earlier. In fact, all of them do.

“I love you, that's what I genuinely feel. And it’s the same with everyone. I am greedy to make all of you fall for me and become. I can’t promise anything about this desire of mine that’s why… Rae, although I might just be echoing what I said before. If it becomes too excessive and I am already hurting you too much… Smack me in the head and…”

“Stop, Ruki. I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it.” Rae cut off my words by covering my mouth, she then turned her body to face me and hit me on my chest. “It’s also my own selfish thoughts. Spending more time with you and being with you all the time. You don’t have to think too deeply about it. I fell for you despite being aware that I wasn’t the only one. If it really came to the point that I would think of making that choice, I’d rather not hear you say anything as if you’re pushing me away to take that.”

After saying that, she deeply sighed and took back her glasses from me, perhaps to see my face clearly again. “Your worried face doesn’t suit you. Let me fix that.”

Rae put on a refreshing smile before pulling herself up to level her face with mine. “I love you. Even if you call yourself broken, that will not change. Not anytime soon since even I don’t know what will happen to us in the future. Based on my knowledge, we’ll be facing a series of problems since we’re going against the norm. However, remember, Ruki, your Rae will be there with you.”

As soon as she finished, Rae’s affection-filled eyes closed as the last few centimeters of distance between our lips were traversed by her. After conveying everything she was feeling for me through that kiss, Rae then comfortably settled herself deep in my embrace.