Chapter 36

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Chapter 36

It was the day my sister went to the hospital. As a young 10-year-old returning home early from school, I was still hopeful.

I cautiously pulled out a test paper that scored 100 points and showed my mom, who was drinking water at the table.

My hands were trembling from fear, hope, shyness and excitement.

“What… A test paper? 100 points?”

Mom, who took the test paper half-heartedly, scanned the test paper slowly. And then she tore it apart.

It fell into two huge pieces, and then I stopped breathing as I looked at the test paper that was torn to pieces without even realizing it. Mom, who had torn the exam papers to pieces, wiped her hands as if she had touched something dirty.

Her eyes, which were looking down on me, gleamed horribly.

“Your sister was sick and went to the hospital…. And you got 100 points?”

I couldn’t figure out the correlation between my hundred points and my sister’s visit to the hospital, but I had no choice but to say I was sorry.

My expectations for a small compliment were torn to pieces like that paper.

Mom pushed me away with her rough hand and headed for my sister’s room.

As I watched from behind, I pressed the corners of my eyes that were about to burst into tears and collected the test paper. Now, crumpling the torn pieces with my hands, I put them all in the trash. Even at that moment, I had to raise the corners of my lips.

“Come here!”

“Yes!”

Eunji was lying and sleeping in her bedroom, and I ran to Mom’s voice. Mom glanced at me, patting the little child’s body carefully, and fixed her gaze on Eunji.

Oh, I knew those warm eyes. Even just a year and a half ago, those eyes were for me. At that thought, I bit the inside of my cheek.

“Mom is going to answer a phone call, so look after Eunji.”

“Yes.”

Mom answered the cell phone in her hand and cautiously walked out of the room. The door was open, and the sound of the call was muffled.

“I don’t know… I’m going to die of sadness because of Eunji. I’ve been to the hospital, and she might need another surgery. I’m really going crazy… Our Eunji, what should we do?”

The content of the long conversation was only about concerns for Eunji. There was not a single line about me. It was as if I didn’t exist.

Perhaps my name would come up in the sound of that voice, so I closed my lips and patted the child’s small body as Mom did earlier.

Eunji slightly shifted her body. Her small neck was visible through the duvet, which was turned. She, who went to the hospital today, looked paler than usual because she was not feeling well, as Mom had said on the phone call.

To a child, love and attention were like addictions. They wanted to receive it, whether they had it or not.

It was something I couldn’t give up on because I had sweeter candy in my mouth than anyone else before.

If I strangled this pale child… If I did that, would I be loved again? … If this child disappeared, would I be able to return to my sweet past…?

It was so hard now. I was only 10 years old, and the past was vivid in my head, but the reality was so cold. I couldn’t give up hope, and I wanted to get back the little light that I may have had already thrown away in the back of my heart. I wanted to go back.

I wanted to be a princess who danced at a ball, not Cinderella, the kitchen servant.

I reached out my hand slowly. As my hand was about to touch the child’s body, Mom came in and threw me away. My body thumped against the wall.

“You… What are you trying to do now?”

Without hearing my answer first, Mom took Eunji outside and came back alone.

She slammed my back so hard that I couldn’t make a sound and I cringed in pain.

The moment when Mom’s glistening eyes and my eyes filled with tears of pain met each other… I realized that there was no more candy for me to eat.

Everything had been crushed and powdered, whether it was sand, candy, or shards of glass… I can no longer taste what had been shredded into unknown shapes… I realized that I couldn’t even touch it. And I wiped the smile off my lips. After all, even if I smiled to the point that the corners of my mouth hurt, my parents wouldn’t come back.

That day, the day I was nearly beaten to death. That day, when I, who was so sick, wasn’t taken to the hospital, I was punished and locked up in a cold warehouse room.

I was 10 years old.

It didn’t take long at all from the day I gave up the hope I didn’t want to give up until I was 10, to erase my memories through pain during my adolescence, until the day when I gradually couldn’t even remember what love, interest or affection was.

As I was closing my eyes in the afterimage of the past, Eunji’s voice woke me up again. When I opened my eyes slowly, it was the dark space I had been in for the first time.

“So you really wanted to kill me?”

I opened my eyes to the question asked in a cruel voice.

The illusion of Eunji, who seemed to be hiding in the dark, rose like a mirage in front of me and touched my neck. Just like what I did on that day.

Did you try to kill me?

I shook my head slowly.

“No.”

‘I didn’t try to kill you. I couldn’t kill you.’

I couldn’t hurt my sister.

That’s right, strangling was painful. Because being in pain was not good.

Because this child was my sister.

As a child, I knew what adults did not know. I knew I shouldn’t hurt anyone weaker than me.

“The clothes were folded, so I tried to unfold it.”

The illusion of my sister smiled at my answer and hugged me. I didn’t feel any warmth on her peach-colored cheeks. I embraced the cold, friendly fantasy and buried my head in her shoulder.

How could I be hugged… I felt weird. The Eunji I know couldn’t hug me. This was because the skinny child who spent her entire life in the hospital room could be held in someone’s arms, but it’s difficult for her to hold anyone in her arms.

Eunji, whose face I was unable to see, combed my hair with her hands. My eyes twitched as I felt she was brushing my hair with her hands. I remember the day when I was just 7 years old in the arms of my new parents and secretly shed tears.

Of course, there were no tears now, but…

“Sister, I was the one who called you into Selena’s world.”

“…What?”

Even after uttering the shocking words that she was the one who called me into Selena’s world, Eunji did not show her face and continued to stroke the back of my head. I tried to force myself to get away from her, but she was stronger than I thought, so I just gave up and had to keep listening to her story.

Eunji’s voice was even more calm.

“There are many unknowns in this world. Human destiny and life are the same. A person is given several lives to turn around a long time. However, very rarely, when the life span of that life has not been completed, that time passes to another life of one’s own. And in this case, Sister died on her own, and the remaining time of your life passed to Selena’s body.”

“Then Selena is another life of mine?”

“As expected, Sister is smart.”

“But why did you call me?”

Eunji’s hand stopped. As the words were left unanswered, I pulled our body apart once more, and this time, she slipped away from me. Eunji was smiling.

Tears streamed down the corners of her eyes, but she smiled brightly enough that the tears could not be seen.

“You say you went through the panorama of your life after you died, right?” she said. “Yes, it was just like what Sister saw earlier. I’ve been through the same. Oh, the only difference is that I had been watching it since the moment I was born. All the memories from the day I can’t remember.”

Eunji stopped talking and took a deep breath before she exhaled. The corners of her closed mouth were twitching.

“Sister, while I was alive, I had a hard time. Endless needles and drugs. The treatment was so hard, it was so difficult, but I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid of dying. I was so envious of the kids playing outside. I was so envious of the people who were discharged one by one in the 6-bed room. ‘How long do I have to live in this hospital room?’ That was all I was thinking.”

The voice talking quietly echoed through the space.

“I only saw my misery. I was so unhappy, it seemed that someone else’s misfortune was my unhappiness too. Yes, I graded unhappiness by myself. I was a grade A, that person is a grade B, and that person is a grade C. Oh, that person is a happy person. Isn’t that funny?”

“No.”

I shook my head. Actually, it was funny. I thought it was funny, because that was the thought I had too.

When I was a teenager, when I hadn’t given up on everything yet, I continued to be jealous and resentful of Eunji. There was a time when I thought like a fool, wishing I was as sick as her. So, how dare should I tell her that it was funny.

“Well, the older Sister got, the taller she got, but why did I continue being a dwarf? I got jealous again, so I said something to Sister. It was really stupid. Sorry.”

“I don’t even remember.”

I really didn’t remember. I couldn’t even remember what she had said. The only thing I remember was the skinny figure of Eunji holding the mirror and crying all alone.

“I was always hungry, but I always had no appetite. I wanted to try something delicious too… Why was it that I was forced to only eat vegetarian food? Because of that, I complained to Sister. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Eunji smiled bitterly and lowered her gaze. So, when I looked down, I saw Eunji’s wriggling fingers.

“My Sister… Sister… I didn’t know you lived like that. I knew you were often scolded by Mom and Dad, and you didn’t get along very well, but… I really didn’t know you were treated that way. I didn’t know that you were dying in the world as much as I was dying in the hospital room.”

“I know you didn’t know.”

Yes, she wouldn’t have known. Eunji, who was sick, was only in the hospital room, where my parents couldn’t treat me like they did at home. It was Eunji who had to live in the hospital all the time, but it would be difficult if there were bad rumors.

The coldness and the dislike for me came out implicitly, but in Eunji’s eyes, that must have been all she saw.

The sick kid who graded unhappiness must have been just a little child who wanted her parents’ attention to be on her. I knew that.

So even if I hated this child who casually took away my life, looking at her sick face, I could not have hated her.

“I was always envious of the healthier Sister. So resentful, very jealous, and yet I depended on you… I liked you again. You were nice. I had Sister who was good at everything… By the way… It was only after I died that I found out that it was all because of me. Sorry, sorry. Sister. Sister, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.”

Eunji started to burst into tears. Her tears evaporated into water vapor the moment they left the tip of her chin. Without leaving a moment for me to wipe them.

‘Why are you crying, why are you apologizing?’

Actually, it was not you who was really at fault.

“So I made a wish after I died. Asking to give Sister one more chance. ‘Give my sister a chance to be happy, a chance to live her real life.’ Haha, while I was alive, none of my empty wishes were granted, but these wishes were granted perfectly.”

“…That’s why I came to this world…”

“That’s right. I gifted this life to Sister. I never gave anything to you in my life, so how fortunate that I was able to give you this.”

Eunji, who struggled to stop her crying, raised the corners of her lips and smiled.

It seemed like she wanted to look playful, but she just looked like she was struggling.

As I ruffled her hair from her face, which was messed up from the tears, I asked a strange question.

“But I met Selena. If we were the same soul… How could we have met?”

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