Chapter 444 - A Dream Of Respite

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Perhaps his escape from the constant fighting, pain, and lamentation--dreams. 

Sitting on a bed of flowers, somehow he knew he sat in a world of dreams; overlooked by an endless, bright horizon as if the sun flared with a greeting of beauty. 

Against his back, he felt someone else's; without having to turn back or say anything, he just knew who it was. 

"Iris…" He said as he smiled smalley. 

He kept his gaze down, watching the sea of roses, lilies, osmanthus flowers along with many others, swaying gently in the passing breeze of spring. 

"Isn't it weird…? I can still smile, somehow," he said while looking up. 

There wasn't any response except for the warmth of his azure-haired lover against his back as he sat on the serene sea of nature, holding one knee tucked to his chest. 

"I don't even know if I should be allowed to smile anymore...I'm not happy, so why should I be smiling? It doesn't make any sense to me...I don't know what makes sense anymore--it feels like my brain is tied into knots," he spoke somberly. 

As he kept his gaze down, tears strolled down from his left eye, trailing down his cheek as he watched the spider lily below; his tears rained down on the crimson petals gently like the soft droplets from gloomy clouds. 

They were all he sat on now as his mind fluttered in a cloud of lamentation; a sea of the crimson-petaled flower, stretching as far as he could see. 

"...I couldn't protect you. I couldn't protect any of them. Not Aiko, not Macheo, not Jay...nobody. I'm a complete and total failure. So...why? Why was I brought into this world if I can't do anything? It seems like the harder I try, the more I lose...it's just too much," he shook his head as tears moved more plentifully, "I'm trying my best. I am. I...I don't trust that my best is enough, though. Not anymore." 

Even though it seemed to be a one-sided conversation, the lack of response didn't stop him as he simply exuded what laid in his mind. 

...I don't know if I'll have a chance like this again, I might as well use it, he thought. 

There was no point in trying to stop it anymore, so he didn't; he let it all out. 

"After Adelaide betrayed me, I still believed I could be somebody, in this world. I was just so damn desperate to become anyone, anything, worth mentioning. I did absolutely nothing in my life up until that point--nothing at all. Then when Meinhard came into my life, I started to believe...I didn't need any of that. I had a friend. Though, I wanted to impress him--I wanted to stop being a hindrance and finally show him something worth praising me for. I cooked, no matter how many times I burnt or cut my fingers. I read and wrote, even though I felt like a total idiot. I tried to learn magic...I tried, but by that point...it was too late. I lost him. I didn't get to have that moment yet--that moment where I showed him, "Hey! I can be awesome, too!" It never came. Once that happened, I was angry...I vowed to become stronger so I never lost people again. That's a lie though...I was just scared. I was scared of experiencing that grief again; my heart tightening so much that I thought I'd die, the tears...I didn't stop crying myself to sleep for months. I didn't know it could be so painful...up until that point, I never really had anyone like that. I was an empty shell throughout my life, but coming here...I became someone--I tried to become someone. The Outlanders took me in and treated me like family. I couldn't ask for more, but still...I did. Just so impatient...I couldn't stop for a moment and just tell myself, "Hey, it's alright now. You have a family." No. I was still angry, but even more so--I was confused. "Why am I the only one who lived?" I asked myself that, every day. I wanted to make myself into somebody worth living. Somebody that it made sense was allowed to continue on. That's why I was so impatient, and why I came to Purgatory. And because I was so impatient, so childish...you came along with me, to make sure I didn't die. It's my fault. That's the simple, undeniable truth of it all: it's my fault. I tried to tell myself it was because I was weak--that I couldn't do anything anyway, even if I tried my hardest. But...I didn't try my hardest. How could I be sure, then? It wasn't because my body was weak...it was because I was a coward. I knew it all along, but...I wanted to try and fix it, make it right. Doing that just caused more things to be lost. It feels like it's my fate to chase around this idea of a "reliable" Ren Nakamura: someone that people can smile when they think of and say, "That guy? He's great! He's helpful, kind, and dependable!" But, it's just a childish dream, I guess. That's never who I was, or who I can be."

After letting it all out, he sat there, huffing and regaining his breath as his vision quivered from restrained tears. Even though it was a dreamscape, it all felt so real; the emotions he felt, the clarity of his words--it hit him all the same as it would in reality. 

"But you're still trying, aren't you?" 

--Her voice finally met his ears with words that made him pause with a spectrum of emotions, though his first, most natural instinct was to allow the chained tears flow freely. 

"Even if you are as weak and helpless as you say, even if all of this has hurt you as much as you say, you're still walking forward, right?" 

"I…" 

Before he could say anything in return, his cheeks were suddenly caressed as he was gently turned back, meeting face-to-face with her, meeting eye-to-eye with her azure jewels. She wasn't upset, nor did she hold any semblance of gloom on her bright expression; what he expected to meet with was scorn. 

"Why didn't you save me?" "Why did you let me die?" "Why did I fall in love with somebody so useless?"...in his mind, those are the words he expected to hear from her lips. 

But what he was met with was her serene smile that lifted his heart from the depths of his own self-pity, dragging him from that suffocating well just with a simple smile. 

"I didn't fall in love with you because you walked a perfect path, but because you always stand back up, no matter how many times you fall down. Every time you fell, you'd become so frustrated, immediately trying again, that time with even more vigor. It doesn't matter how small or feeble your steps are, you've never stopped moving forward. Ren, all you've told me is that no matter what happens, you'll never give up. All of these hardships, losses, shortcomings...yet, you're still here, trying your best. That's what you've said...that's what you haven't realized." 

Iris' words left her lips as she gently held his face close to her own while he remained at a loss for words, simply staring at her with eyes that seemed midway through a realization. 

"The Ren I know...the Ren I love, once he sets his mind on something, he never stops until he gets it. In that regard, you haven't changed one bit, have you?" Iris smiled. 

"...Hell no," he answered quietly through tears. 

Around them, the crimson spider lilies altered, re-blooming into pure, white dahlia flowers as a powerful breeze swept across the field of marvelous flowers. 

Placing his hands on top of hers, feeling her distant warmth as though it was right there, he continued as he met her eye-to-eye, "--Not until you're back in my arms! Not until I can tell you "I love you, too!" With all of my heart! Everyone will be there, and I don't care how damn embarrassing it is--I'll say it! I'll say it until my throat bleeds! You got that?! I'm not giving up on you--not for one damn second!"

He kept his forehead pressed against hers as he held her hands, twining his fingers with hers as he felt his heated tears stroll down his pink cheek. 

You're one-hundred percent right, Iris. Everything I've gone through, I've lost, I've suffered...I'm still here, aren't you? Even with everything stacked against me, I'm still moving forward. How could I not see that? I was so caught up in self pity that I didn't even see what was right in front of me. 

Ren Nakamura...he's somebody that never gives up, that's who you see, he thought. 

"I'm just part of your dream, you know that, right?..." She asked with teary eyes and a smile. 

He responded with a small smile, still keeping close, "Yeah, but that's enough for me. So...if you don't mind, I'd like to stay here a bit longer." 

Sitting on the bed of dahlia flowers, they embraced quietly as the vibrantly woven dream persisted with a seemingly real warmth; in his arms, it felt real. 

Thank you for letting me remember...something besides those terrible memories. In all of the awful things that have happened, it's hard to remember the smiles, laughs, and good times. That's what I have to focus on--the good things, the parts of them I love. 

Thank you...He thought. 

It felt like an eternity he sat in that beautiful dreamscape, yet at the same time it didn't feel like nearly enough time as he opened his eyes. 

Patter. Patter. Patter. 

The sound of rain falling against the roof he laid under greeted his waking ears as he blinked groggily. It wasn't a roof he was familiar with, and the material under his back didn't feel like the stiff table he initially went to sleep in. 

Beneath him was a comfortable cushion, though a bit prickly, but nothing to complain about in his previously sleepless state. 

...How long was I out? He thought. 

As he sat up, yawning and stretching his arms, he looked around to find that he was in a small room, laying on a bed made of heavily intertwined grass to form something reminiscent of a mattress. 

This doesn't look like that doctor's place, he thought. 

On the chair beside the surprisingly comfortable bed, his sable coat and silver cloak rested alongside his sheathed blade and dagger, making him realize he was left shirtless as he looked down to check his wounds. 

"Gh…" He winced as he lightly felt the bandage wrapped tightly around his bicep. 

Around his left calf, a similar measure was taken as he stood himself up, sliding his coat back on and throwing his cloak over his shoulders. 

It's pretty quiet, he thought. 

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